Yoona – yes, I have been looking inward and reading – A LOT – over the last year and a half. I haven’t joined any groups because I’m not sure where I’d best fit in. I started out not really having a great sense of “who I am” plus strong feelings of worthlessness, and some depression & anxiety. While I’m still not there, it’s gotten a little better. I’m learning about who I am, I don’t feel nearly as worthless, and I’m no longer on my antidepressants. So, as Pearla said, I *do* have more than I think. Pearla – I am going to think on your words and see if maybe I can come up with something helpful for you, too.

I would be really happy if my kids didn’t dislike my new husband so much. If you are familiar with Myers Briggs, he’s an INTP, which can be a difficult type to get along with. I identify as an INFP so, on the surface, my husband and I *should* be compatible. It’s this matter of vulnerability (for me) that seems to get in the way. I believe my biggest contribution to my current situation is simply not having the trust/faith in NOT being hurt if I open up to my husband. I believe he truly cares about me and wants me in his life. That is all tempered, greatly, by his ability to be overly logical at times (a MAJOR characteristic of an INTP) and treat certain issues quite coldly. I think it was Einstein that defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” This is where I feel I am with my husband. I’m tired of getting the “same results” and so I have withdrawn from him.

My ex and I did some couples counseling before divorcing, so I feel pretty good about taking the lessons learned there and applying them in this new marriage. It all seems to come back to the vulnerability/trust issue. My husband and I had a bit of discussion last night and nothing was really resolved, but some honesty about how I’m feeling was able to be conveyed and vice-versa. The jury is basically still out as to whether or not “we” will continue moving forward.

Thank you, Yoona and Pearla, for replying. I was half expecting no feedback at all.

Pearla,

I think you ultimately nailed it on the head when you said, “I know I am depressed and I should try a little…” I have lived MANY of my years in a minor depressive state. Not wanting to deal with the world, shoving my head in the sand to avoid it all. It’s been the hardest thing for me to realize and begin to accept that I am worthy and have value. It took lots of tears and much gnashing of teeth to come through, but it’s happening. As cliched and trite as it is to say this, YOU are the only one who can help you. Your children can’t. Former co-workers can’t. Men can’t. It’s got to be you, and you alone, that affects the beginning of the change.

You also say, “The love and friendship I have stored up inside me feels like a heavy weight inside my chest…” have you thought about volunteering at an animal shelter? Animals seem to have a way of helping us humans because they accept our love and friendship – especially dogs. There may even be an animal that you specifically identify with upon hearing the story of how it came to be at the shelter. If nothing else, perhaps giving what you have to offer to a creature that can offer little to nothing in return (in a material way, at least) will help dissipate the weight you feel.

B and E’s Mom

Anita,

I was able to have some good conversation with my husband this weekend. He appears to understand the things that are bugging me about his behavior of late and says he is more than willing to work on things because, “I’m worth it.” We will see what happens. His business is 100% commission based and has been very slow. I knew this going into the relationship and there are other trade offs that make the situation amenable to my life – I haven’t had to cook or do laundry or clean the bathroom or deal with a technology problem in over a year 😉 The second job is due to my 17 year old having medical expenses from surgery for a broken arm.

My kids are 15 and 17 and live with their dad, so they don’t interact with my husband very often. My husband DOES encourage me to spend as much time with them as possible (one on one) and to “make memories” with them. He says they will eventually out-grow their distaste for him as their brains prune themselves down from adolescence (by forgetting the incidents that caused the dislike to form in the first place) into adulthood and things will become more cordial for everyone. Neither he nor I had divorced parents that remarried, so there’s no first hand experience with these feelings (from a child’s point of view) and my fear is that the kids WON’T lose their distaste and will forever view my husband as, “the enemy.”

I suppose the bottom line is that by taking the chance of opening up about my discomfiture with the state of things, I set in motion a conversation about how my husband and I can better communicate with each other so that my loneliness goes away, he feels positive about things too, and this relationship can be as good as possible. I’m not ready to throw in the towel and would say I’m cautiously optimistic about it all.