Dear Ocean:

I would like to help you answer all of the questions you brought up, but I don’t have enough information. Therefore, I am hoping that following a conversation between the two of us, I will be able to help you answer your questions. In this reply, I will bring up possibilities, and ask questions:

1) “He is very sensitive… I know I can easily tell him all of this instead of typing it here on this forum but I feel like he will take it the wrong way or get offended by what I am saying“- has your experience been that you are walking on eggshells when talking with him or planning to talk to him, that you have to be careful about the words you choose and what you say, so that he does not take what you say the wrong way and get offended?

There are people who are offensive and so, understandably people feel offended by them. But there are people who feel offended even when there is no real offense. Growing up with my mother, there was hardly anything that I could say that she wouldn’t take the wrong way and get offended by. Anything I said (or failed to say), she represented as if I was thinking something negative about her, and trying to hurt her feelings. Of course, I walked on eggshells, or on a minefield, so to speak, not knowing what bomb is going to explode next, under my feet. No matter how hard I tried, there was always the next time she felt offended and angrily let me know about it.

This, what I just shared, is an extreme example of what I am talking about, but is any of this true in regard to your boyfriend?

2) “I feel like our families are also a bit different. His family dynamic is much more different than mine“- when choosing a lifetime partner, it is very important to learn about his family dynamic, because he may continue the same dynamic in a marriage with you. Would you like to share about his family dynamic as opposed to yours?

3) “I feel like I’m always bringing up the serious conversations about our future together which in turn makes me feel like I’m forcing this connection“- do you mean that he shows a lack of interest in serous conversations about the future: that he is not interested in such conversations.. or in a future with you? Can you give me an example of such a conversation: (part of) what you said to him, and (part of) what he said back, or how he reacted?

4) “I feel like there’s no value in me being in this relationship. I can confidently say I am an added value for him, but I certainly don’t feel like any positives were added to my life…I also feel like I am not emotionally fulfilled in this relationship“- how are you an added value to him, in what ways? What kinds of positives/ emotional fulfillment could he add to your life if he acted differently from the way he does (examples)?

And now, my answers to your question without further information:

“I also have this constant doubt and fear that this is not meant for me. Am I supposed to be thinking and feeling these things while being in a healthy relationship?“- no, you are not supposed to have constant or any serious doubts about the relationship being right for you. Having constant, or very frequent doubts means that the relationship is not healthy. It takes two people who are confident about being in the relationship to make it a healthy relationship.

“Why am I constantly worried about the future of our relationship?“- (1) maybe because he is the wrong guy for you, for example, if he is interested in marriage but not in having serious, reasonable conversations about the future marriage, or if he takes so much of what you say the wrong way and feels offended when there is no such intent or real offense on your part, (2) maybe because you suffer from what is termed relationship anxiety (or relationship OCD), and therefore’ you’d be anxious about a relationship with any man, no matter how close to perfect he might be.

“Why is my mind and heart saying different things?“- maybe because your heart is telling you what it needs/ wishes your boyfriend to be, and your mind is telling you.. who he really is.

“How do I know if this is just made up anxiety and worries, and that I am in a good relationship?“- well, clearly, you are not in a good relationship because of the way you feel about it, the doubts, the confusion. Whether the anxiety and worries would be there no matter the guy (aka relationship anxiety/ OCD) is a question.

“How do I know if this is meant for me?“- this is meant for you only if you get to a place where you feel confident about being in the relationship.

“How will I know if it is time to let go?“- you will know if your mind and your heart are telling you the same thing, and not different things (as they are telling you now).

You ended your original post with saying that you have a lot of love for him. It takes a lot of courage to see a man you love (aka a man to whom you are emotionally attached), as he is, when what you see means that you should leave him. It’s difficult to leave someone you are emotionally attached to.

It also takes courage to see yourself as you are, for example, to see your own childhood as it truly was, and how it causes or adds (if it does) to your current anxiety.

I hope to read back from you and to help you dispel your confusion.

anita

Dear Ocean:

You are welcome. I will need more time to thoroughly read your 2nd post, therefore, I’ll be back to you Fri morning (it is Thurs 12:41 pm here).

In regard to this part of your recent post: “I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly…  his family is… laid back, go with the flow type. Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along? Will they be close? I come from a family of hustlers – where they work extremely hard and ambition is very much a factor in each and every one of us in my family. Him on the other hand, it seems like his family is very comfortable with where they are at. They do not strive to be better or do better – if anything, change scares them“-

– I sense that you are angry with him and perhaps envious of him (and his family) for having had a laid back life, while you and your parents didn’t have that kind of luxury, a life you wish or wished you had… Any truth to this?

I wonder if you feel that you’d betray your parents if you choose a partner who does not at all follow their philosophy and practice of life: the perhaps restless striving to be and do better (financially,  educationally..?)

If you would like to respond to what I brought up here, please do, and I will thoroughly reply to all that you share in the morning.

anita

Dear Ocean:

You are welcome!

“it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot“- if you would like to, can you elaborate on this worry: what particular thoughts about the family meshing run through your mind?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back to your thread in the morning).

anita

Dear Ocean:

About your relationship anxiety: “I feel like a big part of my anxiety is stemming from this relationship“. There is a history to your relationship anxiety: “I was in a relationship in the past, many many years ago, and I was anxious having the same worries of ‘is he for me’ etc.”

Your current relationship anxiety started recently, at about the 1-year mark of the relationship: “I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year and lately I have been having so much worry and anxiety regarding our relationship…I felt confident and reassured when I started this relationship, it is only recently where I feel like I’m doubting“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is not about who your boyfriend is, it’s not about you doubting him and his commitment to you (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here and in future quotes): “My partner is a great person to be around… He provides a safe and open safe for me to communicate… He is someone who has ambition, has the same moral values as I do and we both want the same things. That is where the initial attraction started, it felt really nice to finally meet someone who viewed life the same way as me and we both envision what our future would look like… His attitude has always been excited for the next chapter with me, and how he wants it just as badly as I do. We had gone into this with the same mindset that this was a serious relationship. He has never given me any doubt about not wanting a future with me“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is about the two families not getting along, and about his family (his parents and siblings) rejecting you: “Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along?… I worry so much that our families might not get along. I worry so much that his family may not like me or accept me or my family. I worry if my family might not accept his family or him for that matter… I worry that I won’t be as close with his siblings. I grew up very close to my siblings and I love them dearly. My family is very close as well. I envision for my future to be similar, where I have a great relationship with my in-laws, where I am close with my husband’s siblings and I’m afraid they might not like me or interact with me.. I have not met them yet but I am very nervous… I am just worried his siblings might not like me or want their brother to be with me. They seem very different, their sibling dynamics is very different from mine… I am just worried they might not like me“.

Here is what I am thinking at this point, Ocean: you adjusted very well to your family of origin, to your parents and siblings with whom you grew up. If you think of a family picture as a jigsaw puzzle (JP), your individual piece in the JP has all the right sides, sockets and knobs, keys and locks, so to be as perfect a fit as possible to the other pieces.

As is, there is a good fit between your piece and your family JP, and therefore, there’s closeness with them. You are worried that the same piece that fit so well in your family JP, will not fit his family JP,  and therefore, it will be rejected.

“Our families have a lot in common – we have a similar upbringing, same culture and religion, our family dynamic is mostly similar, but one thing that is different is my family is very traditional and very cultural whereas his family is very modern, laid back, go with the flow type“-

– My feel is that adjusting to your culturally stricter and traditional family of origin required that your piece has defined and-not-to-be-compromised sides, sockets and knobs, etc., a tight fitting. Your boyfriend’s adjustment to his modern, culturally laid back, go-with-the-flow type family required a looser fitting.  So on his part, he is more likely to fit a different kind of family than his own. But because of your tight fitting to your family, it is, or would be difficult to fit a different type family from yours.

Because of the tight fittings required in your family JP, and the loose fittings in his, you worry that there will be a poor fit/ meshing between the two JPs: “it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot“.

“Often times my bluntness can come off as very harsh which in turn can hurt him…  I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly…I’m someone that usually doesn’t go to others for advice unless I really need it“- maybe your adjustment to your family of origin, the fitting into the JP into which you were born, required that you would be independent and self sufficient, and not go to them for advice or help unless you really needed it. And maybe, that there is anger in you about this fitting requirement, a resentment perhaps for having to be too independent, an anger that expresses itself in the bluntness and harshness you mentioned here?

I would like to read your thoughts about what I brought up here, in this post.

anita