Hi,

My name is Uttej nepak. I am from India. I have completed my graduation in Electrical and electronics engineering in the year 2017. I have secured a job in the government power distribution company in the year 2019 with good salary and I am very happy at that moment because no one in my family has a government job and my parents are also very happy at that moment. I also made plans that after saving enough money I could buy a own house because since my childhood we have been living in a rented house and its my mothers dream to have own house.

I joined in the job and after joining the job slowly I started to get to know the dark sides of the job. I have to deal with corruption, political pressure everyday at my work and this made me sick apart from that I have to deal with public and media daily this was very tough for me because I am an introvert and shy person since childhood never talked freely with anybody and made very little friends. Books and cricket are the only companions in my life since school but suddenly when I entered the job I was asked to face public media and political leaders and this was very tough for me. I could not be strict with my subordinates and I could not control them so work also got delayed and I was scolded by my higher officials during the meetings for delay of work but I could not scold my subordinates as I am very soft. As I am from a technical background when I got the job I was very happy and  keen to apply my technical knowledge and also to improve my knowledge but I was disappointed when I joined because the nature of my job requires only  managerial and communication skills (both which I don’t have a lot)  but not technical skills. I didn’t get any opportunity to show my technical skills and I just started to hate my job because the company doesn’t need my knowledge all it needs is some skills to do corruption and deal with political pressures.

The job became tough day by day but somehow I managed it for a year and a half  and in the meantime I used to write exams for other jobs as well. In July 2021 I got selected for the post of management trainee in steel manufacturing industry I am very happy at that time because in steel industry I don’t have to deal with public, media ,political parties etc; I can go to my work complete it and comeback but that happiness didn’t last long because when I applied for resignation in my current company they said that I have still one month to complete my probation and according to company policy I have to return the entire salary received till then (which is approximately 15lakhs rupees) to the company if I leave the company before probation (Probation period is two years and I have completed 1year 11months at that point) that came as a shock to me. I requested to the directors and chairman of the company that I cannot pay such huge amount and as I have only one month for the probation  completion I requested them to consider under humanitarian grounds but they rejected it and they said if I have to leave the company I have to pay every single rupee. I called the HR of steel industry and explained him the situation and asked him to extend my deadline of joining by one month but he said he is helpless and he cannot extend so with no other choice I could no go to the job of management trainee and continued in my present job only.

Six months latter I got job in another company this time I was very happy that as I have completed my probation I could resign my present job and join the other one without paying any money but that didn’t happen. When I applied for resignation second time I was asked to get no dues clearance from each and every department. So when I started applying for my clearances in other departments some of my higher officials deliberately delayed the process and they also demanded bribe from me to give clearances. I gave them the money they demanded but they did not give my clearance in time and deadline by which I have to report at the job approached and I could not report at the job. So because of my current job I am unable join two companies for which I have been selected through very high competition. This made me very sick mentally I have gone into severe depression and anxiety and my suicidal tendencies have increased because of this my food and sleeping habits changed I have gained weight and started to become obese and my confidence hit rock bottom. I just started to hate my job and in the meanwhile the girl whom I loved married someone else and because of all these things I am unable to concentrate on my work and I resigned from my job on NOVEMBER 12 2021.

When I resigned from my job and that too a government job my parents, relatives, friends all started to question me and they said I am not worthy to live in this society ( I too don’t want to live in this society as well). My relatives who asked me to marry their daughter when I got the job are now avoiding me then I realized that they loved my job and not me. I started to prepare for other jobs and exams. I started my preparation for a national level exam called GATE which is held every year in February. If we get a good rank in this exam we will get selected for many government companies directly many people wil  prepare for the exam for one year or two years but when I started my preparation in December after resigning my job I have only 2 months of time but somehow I managed it and attempted the exam and I have secured a all India rank of 400 out of one Lakh students. It is a good rank but not good enough to get me a job because in India we have reservation system as I belong to unreserved category I have to get below a rank of 250 to get a job. My parents are very disappointed with me they just want me to get married but I have no interest and I am sure no girl will like a shy and introvert person like me. So now this is where I am depressed ,anxious, jobless, fat and feeling worthless and pointless in life. No confidence to face anyone so I am avoiding the society . I just like to disappear from life. I just want to end my life.