Feels Like Everything Is Falling Apart

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This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by nextsteps.

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April 4, 2018 at 9:49 am #200831
Chris
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Hello,

I don’t post here a lot and I feel like I’ve been under a lot of stress the last couple of days, so I’m just looking to vent in a place I know is safe and where the community will have open ears.

I’m a male in my early thirties. Life has been so hard – I have no family or friends and really struggle with loneliness. The last two days have been terrible, but I’ll skip to the problem really eating at me. In my shortest effort, I am interested in this gal who works at a fast food chain. Sometimes she works the register, which affords me the best two seconds of the week I get to talk to her a little bit. Sometimes I am even able to flirt a little bit, and she doesn’t give me any “no” signals. Today, I saw one of her coworkers poke her to flirt with her and it made me feel so inadequate. Mostly because I was standing right there and she didn’t stop to say hello to me (which she sometimes does). So, really I am not sure if she talks to me to be nice because she’s in a working environment or if she’s actually interested. A couple of years ago, she seemed upset I never asked her out. When she expressed her frustrations outwardly at me, I understood it to be that she wasn’t interested in anymore. My therapist gave me good advice and said, “That’s not a typical response for you to have when someone might want to go out with you” (in other words, that was my childhood stuff responding to her nonverbal communication). I slipped her my phone number a long time later to end the long looks and odd silence we’d give each other every week, and never got a text from her. That’s understandable considering the chemistry was worn. However, we still talk and I still make it clear that I am interested. She usually does too, and it seems to be getting better each week I see her. I wrote her a nice little note for her earlier in the year and it seemed to break a lot of that ice too. So, when I saw someone who gets to see her a few hours at a time a few days a week, as compared with my two seconds a week, I felt worthless. If I had any other dating prospects, I wouldn’t mind. The internet is a crapshoot – gals copy and paste their profiles, suddenly stop responding, or don’t answer at all. I’ve been single for four and a half years now. I’m in all kinds of agony. I still show up and put on my happy face in an effort to be charming, but people really don’t know. What am I missing? If I knew this gal well enough, I could understand what piece I was missing to transition more flawlessly. I’m running blind and it’s hard enough talking to her when she’s in a work environment and there isn’t enough time to really sit down. I’d like to stick to my guns here because, if I can learn how to ask out women in person, then I won’t need to worry about this so much later on.

Thanks for listening.
- This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Chris.
- This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Chris.
- This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Chris.
April 4, 2018 at 10:16 am #200845

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Chris:

Welcome back to the Forums. You didn’t ask for advice, so I have none for you.

You wrote that you wanted to vent in a safe place, and to be listened to with open ears. What I hear (read, that is) you say is that you are lonely, not in a relationship now for 4.5 years, that online dating has not/ is not working for you, that you are interested in this woman who works for a fast food restaurant, sometimes at the cash register. You have a very limited time interacting with her, when she works the register. At one time she was interested in you, perhaps (I am not clear). Later, you gave her a note with your phone number but she didn’t call you. Recently you have been flirting with her and you didn’t detect any no signals from her.

Today, her co worker flirted with her and when he did, she neglected to say hello to you. Is it this event, today, that lead you to choose the title of your thread: “Feels like everything is falling apart”, I wonder. I mean, is this event the everything that is falling apart, or otherwise, everything is falling apart…?

anita

April 4, 2018 at 10:21 am #200849

nextsteps
Participant

Hi Chris,

I hope you are having a better day today and are not feeling as lonely. I can relate because I l know how it feel alone with little support network.

In terms of the girl, my advice (and I am a woman so perhaps a guy would have better advice here) would literally just to be to go up and talk to her in her shift and ask if she 2anted to meet for coffee or something. It sounds like you have made lots of moves e.g. giving her your number and writing her a note which she hasn’t really reciprocated. Did you guys know each other before? E.g. when she expressed frustration you hadn’ asked her out, how close were you then? Had how long ago was That? It sounds like you need to get the ball rolling and find out her feelings toward you- if she is looking to get together then Great, then if not at least you know and can move on, rather than waiting on her as it sounds like this has been going on a while but not getting that far. Also there is nothing more sexy than confidence- so just going up there and taking to her she will appreciate that as being brave.

If it turns out nothing happens with this girl, tthats Okay, it isn’t about you, it’s about her so please don’t take it if she doesn’t reciprocate as a rejection. It could be because you aren’t her type (something we have no control over), she isn’t looking for a relationship, she isn’t in the right frame of mind/stage of life. I have seen it lots of times where people who youd think look perfect together don’t get together due to the timing not being right for them to be together e.g. different maturity levels or life paths or just one of them just not being ready for a relationship- so basically if she says no, it’s not personal.

I am a big believer in fate (which I think helps with things like this) e.g. if it’ meant to be it’l be, if not it won’t and that’s just life.

You also said you don’t have much family or friends. Perhaps you should try and join a club to do a hobby that you like or take a educational course and you could meet friends (male and female there). If you do try this, please don’t be disheartened if you join a course/club and don’t find anyone you connect with, that’s Okay, you may find someone you do another club/event. That’s just a note speaking from experience.

You could perhaps download podcasts from the radio of shows you like so you feel more connected to the world. I find books are also good (but it depends if you like reading). There is a book i would recommend called ‘the opposite of lonliness’ about a girl graduating from Harvard and her feelings of belonging vs loneliness- but books are quite a personal thing so it’s up to you.

The last thing I would say is that everyone feels lonely so in that you are not alone. Even people in relationships. Even people with kids. Everyone is looking for the connection you are searching for and sometimes you find it at certain parts of your life and sometimes you don’t. Right now you haven’t found it but I bet you have had that feeling in the past so, like in the past, it will come back.

I I hope you get on well with the girl. Take good care of yourself.

April 4, 2018 at 10:45 am #200851

Chetry
Participant

Hi Chris,

Good that you “vented out” your thoughts. So, good thing the day is over and a new day awaits. Let your mind rest and think of the infinite possibilities that await you. In short, i would say , dont get fooled by emotions, you drive them….dont let others, people or your mind dictate anuthing to you, You might say you dont understand, ofcourse i might not…but everybody has some pain , i am learning to live this moment in the truest experience of being this wonderful creation..i am an amateur so i would request you to join me…i.e. live and experience life as i want to not as i circumstances dictate. Remember, we are just as irrevalant in this cosmos as an ant…so keep doing your best confidently.
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