Female frustrated with bf in the bedroom

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    I’m a female (29) and I’ve been with my boyfriend (33) for a little over 2 years. We live together and overall things have been going great, except I’ve identified an issue in our “intimacy”/private life. I think I’m a very giving person… possibly too giving. I don’t think he’s been very reciprocal. I’ll ask him to be more reciprocal and he will put some effort in for a little while, but it slowly goes back to how it used to be.

    I also feel very hurt when I initiate and am turned down. He usually says he’s tired… so I feel like if we’re doing things it’s generally on his terms because he’s given me the green light.

    I love him very much though and he’s extremely giving in other areas of our relationship. He’s also loyal, kind, accepting, funny, patient, and understanding.

    I was actually reading a psychology article on how women are “appreciated” or “wanted” more by men when they’re slightly less available. It kind of makes me sad to feel like I should consider being less physically available to someone I love for them to take my needs more seriously.

    Does anyone else have thoughts or advice? Or can anyone else relate?


    Hi dreaming715,

    Being turned down by a guy is tough because in our culture the common thought is “Guys want it all the time”. But guess what? You just have a higher sex drive than he does (right now). In another ten years he could be the one whose sex drive is higher than yours if yours goes down. Who knows? I would not take that personally at all.

    As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.

    I don’t know, maybe buy some sex books with fun new techniques (for him to make you happy) or go to a store for toys. I recommend The Kama Sutra. I think you will find that quite satisfying… for both of you! 😉

    Good Luck,


    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

    I think you’re really correct with this statement: “As for being giving in the bedroom, maybe your guy views sex as more of a physical release than as an elaborate exchange.” I think that is what’s happening. I think maybe I’m taking it a little personal… but that’s because it feels so personal.

    It feels like a dismissal or rejection. So if someone has a higher sex drive, how should they react when the person they’re with says they’re just not in the mood (even if it’s the 10th time or 100th time they’ve heard it)?


    Dear Dreaming,  I had a long reply typed to you then lost my connection so lostvit.  I will come back later


    Dear Dreaming,

    I feel for you.  I have been in relationships where there was a mismatch of libido, and I ended up unhappy in those relationships, and their sloppy sex habits did effect the way I felt about myself.  Looking back,  for me,  it is reasonable grounds to walk away.  I stayed longer than I should have.  There would be short periods of time when things would improve,  but there is no way I ever will go back to a relationship with those issues.


    You touch on also that as well as libido,  for whatever reason,  your partner doesnt have much of an interest in satisfying you with sex the way you want it.


    I can assure you that there are men out there with not only high libidos,  but who really get off on satisfying their women – and they like being with women who are the same as them.


    I am in a relationship at present where the sex is the best  I have ever had. Its too early for me to know if the relationship will be long term and emotionally satisfying.


    Regardless,  what I definitely have gained from this relationship is the knowledge that as far as sex goes,  I dont want to settle for less in the sex departmrlent than what I am presently getting.


    Regarding books,  videos,  etc – the men I was with werent interested – thats “work” to them.


    The fact is,  your partner is not up to scratch as far as sex goes – unless of course,  he is with a woman as disinterested in it as he is.


    More often than not,  when babies and mortgages come along, the amount of sex and quality of it decreases.


    He might be great in every other way,  but obviously you are a woman who sex is important to, and Im sure you know that you need to weigh up just how important it is.


    Frankly,  nobody should be in a relationship where they are deprived of sex,  and at 29, tha s a shame.


    All the best.


    Btw,  it turned out that one mans “lack of interest” was because he was getting it somewhere else on the side.   Not saying thats necessarily the case for you,  but it is for many people


    Hi Again!

    So it’s more that you want it every day and he’s a once a week person? Or is it closer to you would be happy for once a week and he’s once a month? Or worse! Is he Asexual?

    Asexuality is a thing. There are people out there believe it or not who just don’t think about, want, or care for sex.

    One other explanation is medical. A guy in his thirties should not be “tired” unless he’s a day laborer working twelve hour shifts or something LOL.



    Dear dreaming715:

    I would like to read more from you, about this problem you located recently, if I understand correctly, and otherwise.



    Thank you all for the responses. I took your thoughts and advice into consideration and had a serious sit down conversation with my boyfriend. I think talking about it more in-depth helped. And you’re correct Anita, this is a fairly recent thing. So far things have improved and now we just have to keep our communication open and continue with what we want to resolve long term.

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