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August 15, 2017 at 6:47 am #163996
ataraxiaParticipantSo I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression. I wuit my job since I was suicidal then in fear of recurrence, decided to change career paths. I tried tostudy medicine but couldnt last, then law which made me get help from a psychologist and psychiatrist. That implosion during law school made me drop. I focused on recovery, physical and mental health then reassessed myself, deciding to go back to med school. But now here I am again with a relapse. Just 1 step less severed than the time at law school, but still crippling. How do I know if this is what I truly wanted. Initially before college I wanted to pursue medicine or engineering. But landed on accountancy due to my parents. I thought of going back since I felt a desire to do so during those dark times. And maybe the hope that the dream is still alive. But now, I feel nothing but doubt. And here I am stuck, suffering yet unable to move even if I wanted to.
August 15, 2017 at 1:00 pm #164126
AnonymousGuestDear ataraxia:
Dealing with severe anxiety and depression makes choosing a career path and following through very difficult and maybe impossible. Are you still seeing the psychologist and psychiatrist you mentioned and are you being helped by either one?
If you are living at home, are your relationships with your parents congruent with healing/ successful management of your anxiety and depression?
anita
August 15, 2017 at 11:47 pm #164182ataraxiaParticipantI’m still seeing my psychiatrist and I’m still being helped. He also asked if I’m sure of my decisions every time we meet. And has been assuring me the professors are kind and such. I have not yet met with my psychologist since the last one I had he said it was as needed basis. And I really didnt need one since the past few months it was good. I even thought I would be taken off of medication. But then the academic year started and the foundation I built crumbled.
My relationship with my family is good. Though recently I’ve kept to myself again. I feel ashamed, fearing that I’m just a whiney problem. Though I’ve been opening up with my older brother and he’s been very helpful with his advices. But I fear that all these indecisions make them think I just want attention or I dont want to do anything and just leech away. When in truth I’d rather die than that happen.
August 15, 2017 at 11:53 pm #164184ataraxiaParticipantAnd it seemed that it also only triggers in taking up studies. Haven’t tried to work as it was harder for me to accept working in my old career path. It really felt that the kind of work really is not for me. That kind of setup is suffocating. And it feels like this is me sounding whiney.
August 16, 2017 at 9:44 am #164238AnonymousGuestDear ataraxia:
You wrote that you are “fearing that I’m just a whiney problem” and “it feels like this is me sounding whiney”-
A voice in you is saying this to yourself: you are whiney!
Who in real life told you that you are whiney, that is that you are complaining about little things that shouldn’t matter..?
anita
August 16, 2017 at 2:21 pm #164298
PeterParticipantSorry to hear about your experiences
You Mentioned “But now, I feel nothing but doubt.”
For many the concept of doubt and uncertainty are things to fear and avoid. For some the fear of doubt and uncertainty is really about the fear of not having control.
Such people will often criticize them selves whenever the feel this way and only make the issue behind such experiences worse.
There is nothing wrong with being uncertain and having doubts and I believe such states of being actually lead the way to learning and experiencing new things. As for control, life laughs when we make plans and try to control it. Give yourself a break and let it go and embrace your doubts.
With regards to career Most People will change careers a few times over their life time. In this fast-changing world, its important to be flexible, adapt and overcome. After 40 years in the work force I can tell you that most people would have never guessed ending up in the jobs they have.
Yet everything you lean at school, even the failures, when looked at creatively, can lead to many different unexpected opportunities.
Collage should be a time of exploration so don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t fear doubt but use it to open yourself up to the experience. Do your work, pay attention to what sparks with you and see were that might lead.
Fear is to Courage as Doubt is to Faith. Not necessarily a religious faith but faith perhaps in Life. Throughout all the junk you dealt with Life continued and you dealt with it. Sure, you might have found better ways to deal, but your still here, (and maybe learned a few thing) so there is no reason not to have faith that you will deal with whatever comes your way… only now perhaps, without the fear of doubt, finding better ways.
Let it go. let all the worry about some imagined future and fear of what happened in the past go. Do your work, pay attention, adjust when required and breathe. Learn better, do better, repeat. What more can anyone ask of themselves.
Enjoy your time of doubt because that’s when anything might happen and you might even learn something
August 16, 2017 at 5:44 pm #164316ataraxiaParticipantI feel that I having this problem is somewhat whiney as compared with other people with their problems. Some struggle for their daily needs and here I am struggling on something people may call a luxury of choice.
August 16, 2017 at 5:51 pm #164318ataraxiaParticipantAnd I truly want to quit again this time. These doubts point me to this may not be for me, then looking at what would happen if I quit, what eill happen to me, what will I do with my life. By staying, anxiety consumes me and thoughts of suicide emerge, and may become ideation actuation, (i did try to stab myself, almost did jump from a bridge in the past), and if I quit or at least whenever I’m not going to class I slowly calm down, more or less functional. When I thought that I dont need to be the one to heal/cure/help people, it calms me down. When I think I should find a business venture, its enticing, but not knowing where to start scares me. I wont know what I do or where I’ll end up. That is why I cling to careers with a path. Yet the path may be suffocating for me. And this is why I think I am just whiney. I was also told by that by my ex, when we were still together, at the peak of my panic attacks during my trial at law school. And feels like a better option, the only thing stopping me is I still fear death and I deel I dont deserve to die.
August 17, 2017 at 9:08 am #164422PeterParticipantWorry about being whiney is whining about being whiney like worrying about worrying which can only be self defeating.
Ahh panic attacks. I get it. When were under the influence of a panic attack rational thought becomes difficult and we tend to be in an animal reactive, fight of flight state, vice a responsive one.
If you want to move forward your going to have to do some work on understanding how your panic attacks are triggered. The good news is that your posts indicate that you know what the problem is and how to fix it.
You note that when you start to worry about the future, “what will happen to me if..”, “what will I do with my life if…” if, if, if… Its this worry that seems to trigger your panic attacks and even suicidal thoughts.
You stated that when you quit and stop taking class you calm down… for a while… but then start the process over again as you worry about where you will end up clinging to the idea of needing to have career path defined, certain and nailed down, which eventually leaves you feeling suffocated which triggers the panic attack and restarts the circle
See your ahead of the game. You know what triggers your panic attacks what calms you.
You tend to live in an imagined future that is overly influenced by your fears of “if”. Your afraid of the idea of a career path while clinging to the idea of needing to have a career path. You can see how you created a repeating pattern of behaviour which has very little to do with what courses you might be taking or career path you selected. The immediate problem isn’t knowing what path to choose but the idea of having chosen on of having a path.
You might find it helpful to find a physiologist or some other third party expert (not family or friends) to dig into your resistance to the idea of a career path (committing) and why at the same time you cling to the idea of needing/having one (clinging is never helpful)
They may also help you with this tendency to project yourself into an imagined future…
You never waste an opportunity to worry today about something you might not get to worry about in the future. Most of the crap we worry about happening never happens. And if it does, we deal with it, that just what we do. So, you can see the absurdity of living in the future and that what might really be happening is a growing addiction to worry and anxiety. Yes, the body can get used to and even crave the chemicals released by worry and anxiety.
You also mention a fear of physical death however I also suspect an unconscious fear of physiological dying. The reality is that, physiologically the self is always in a cycle of birth, death and re-birth. So, its likely that these experiences of suicidal thinking are not about a wish to physically dying but the unconscious Self expressing a need for a physiological dying so that a rebirth is possible. You are stuck in physiological loop that is keeping attributes within the Self from dying so that they might be reborn leading to your becoming. Attributes, ways of thinking, ways of doing, feeling that need to “die” – let go of – so that you grow.
August 17, 2017 at 11:08 am #164440AnonymousGuestDear ataraxia:
You wrote: “I feel that I having this problem is somewhat whiney as compared with other people with their problems. Some struggle for their daily needs and here I am struggling on something people may call a luxury of choice.”-
People who struggle for their daily needs are not necessarily in a better situation than you. They may be in a better situation than you. People who struggle to find food and shelter are usually focused on living, not at all entertaining thoughts of suicide. On the other hand, you have been entertaining such thoughts.
One definition of luxury is: a “state of great comfort.” When you experience life as so difficult that you consider suicide as a relief, I would say, there is no comfort, no luxury whatsoever in that life experience.
You wrote: “When I thought that I dont need to be the one to heal/cure/help people, it calms me down”- what do you think it means, that it calms you down: what is the message to you in the calm you experience when you think that you don’t need to heal, cure, or help people?
One more question: when was the first time you thought you needed to heal/cure/help another person and who was that person?
anita
August 17, 2017 at 4:51 pm #164498ataraxiaParticipantAs to the career path issue, I may have an idea. It may be because I dont want to be left behind by my peers who are getting farther/becoming more successful. One of the reasons why I tried law or medicine is that I may be able to catch up and such.
About the one who has to help heal/cure etc, it is the main duty of a doctor to do those and I guess it was one of the thoughts that plagued me. That I will and have to help people, at the sacrifice of my own. Presently, I need a lot of time just to reduce these symptoms, and if ever zI continue at some point, I may loose time to unwind for the sake of duty, and may implode on the stored stress/anxiety etc. So when I thought it does not have to be me, I got a feeling of comfort. That I dont need to pursue this. But still I need to do something to live and I dont have much of a choice.
August 18, 2017 at 8:05 am #164564AnonymousGuestDear ataraxia:
It is difficult to live with so much anxiety. It is very difficult to decide on a career path when experiencing significant anxiety. The going to school in itself presents challenges that trigger anxiety.
To reduce your anxiety, let’s look at what is increasing it. I see two things:
1. You “dont want to be left behind by my peers who are getting farther/becoming more successful”- this creates distress that increases your anxiety.
2. You are afraid that your family members perceive you as whiney or that you ” just leech away”.
If you could resolve these two stressors, your anxiety will lessen. Would you like to elaborate on either one, or both?
anita
August 18, 2017 at 9:24 pm #164648ataraxiaParticipantI dont want to get behind, be the failure when everyone else is advancing in their careers, that is why I tried to pursue further studies that may help me catch up. But recently, upon reflecting about it, i pursued them without heart. Before I tried to pursue them, I wanted to go to business. We have a family business and even when I help there I feel ok. Maybe this is what I want, what I should do, to start a business. There I have time dor myself. It may be more of an unknown but I can do it at my own pace. Yet if I do it I need capital, and even now I barely contribute to the family, I earn less to nothing. And I still fear this choice of the road less taken. And If this is what I truly want or is it me finding another escape route.
August 19, 2017 at 6:58 am #164662
ElianaParticipantHi Ataraxia,
How are you doing? Just wanted to check on you to see if you were feeling better about things. Feel free to post anytime.
August 19, 2017 at 8:43 am #164678AnonymousGuestDear ataraxia:
You wrote: “I dont want to get behind, be the failure when everyone else is advancing in their careers”- it is not fair for you to compare yourself to others and then judge yourself to be a failure in comparison. Your anxiety has been significant. If others’ anxieties are lesser, they have less to overcome as they move forward in their careers. The fact that others make more money than you, or are more advanced in their careers, doesn’t mean that they are superior to you in any way other than their bank account. It may very well mean that they have less to overcome, less that stops their movement forward.
Anxiety is like the brake pedal in a car. All your intelligence and resources are like the gas pedal, moving you forward. But when you suffer from significant anxiety, your other foot is pushing the brakes and your movement forward is made slow or impossible.
Be as gentle with yourself as you can be, not harsh. Don’t call yourself a failure, don’t judge yourself by how much money you make. Make peace with you.
anita
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