Valleyrose,
I see relationships as a series of behaviors where one thing does not define the relationship. It is how we are with each other over a period of time that reveals the health of the relationship. We each affect the other in relationship. We behave according to who we are with. We bring our baggage, i.e. what we have learned from past relationships especially what we carry from our family-of-origin, usually unconsciously.

Plus we all lie. http://www.npr.org/2012/06/04/154287476/honest-truth-about-why-we-lie-cheat-and-steal.

Is the real underlying issue about you trusting him even though this is an anomaly and he admitted this openly to you? Or something else? Examine why this still bothers you. I believe we each need to our our own reaction and response.

If you still feel the need to talk to him about this then I recommend you look at Non-Violent Communication (http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication) as a model to communicate where you communicate how you feel, what underlying need that was not met and then make a specific behavioral request.

Let us know what happens.

Metta,
Mark

Valleyrose,

I think you’re onto something there with “previous reactions from me may occasionally make it more difficult for him”. If you have a history of becoming emotional, making assumptions, and/or becoming suspicious, then it could be difficult to feel safe talking to you about certain things. This doesn’t make his withholding a deception, rather an attempt to be considerate to your happiness and the connection you two share. Much like we might choose to wait to pass gas until we’re not snuggling under a blanket together. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Perhaps as you learn to stop trying to control others, it would be helpful to intentionally set down your side of it, and look from his. Not “he hurt me with his actions” but rather “what lead him to do it that way?” Take yourself out of it, stop making it about you… its not really fair to either of you. For instance, instead of writing out a wish that he had said such and such (control), look at the components that were there. When he did such and such, what was on his side? What did I hear? What spooked me? What spooked him? What could make communication smoother in the future?

Consider “my love, it makes complete sense why you approached it that way, but it was also a little extra painful for me. What might make a little bump like that easier on both of us in the future? What do you need from me to feel safe telling me about the difficult things?” Perhaps you two might find some common ground. Also, consider that common ground is more easily found when you two are hand in hand, exploring intimacy and the relationship together. Much like you might sit together and look at the pieces of a puzzle, then work together with curiosity and playfulness to find the fitting pieces and reveal the picture.

With warmth,
Matt

Valleyrose,
I agree with Voov.

Also I hope I won’t offend you when I say that by wanting to know what you could do so that he won’t do the same thing again in the future, you are trying to “control”. If you choose to forgive, forgive unconditionally.

Best regards,
Pooch

There’s nothing wrong with *need to know*, this is how we learn from other people.

You say your *need to know* comes from insecurity and, of course, on the other hand, other people have the need for privacy. When your *need to know* becomes a nuisance for others it means you need to learn from people (each person) what are their boundaries and when they start to feel uncomfortable with your *need to know*.

If you have trouble with recognizing/setting your own boundaries (and it seems you may have that problem, because you are insecure and *need to know* everything in advance) the only thing you can do is to interact with others, observe them and start respecting their boundaries. Letting go of this need won’t help you and I don’t think this is even possible.

I’m not saying you must copy behaviours of others (copy their boundaries and follow such scripts yourself), I’m saying that recognizing boundaries of others might help you build non-smothering relations with them. Your *need to know* may not be fulfilled, but perhaps by learning new skill you might stop paying attention to your need for excessive fulfillment and have better relations with others. If that’s what you wish.

Behaviour you describe may be taken as very intrusive as people’s needs differ and they might fell like your company is intollerable to them. Compare how unpleasant can your intrusive/obsessive thoughts be (when you can’t satisfy your *need to know*) and think about how other people may feel when you invade their privacy. Intensity and unpleasantness should roughly be similar, just perception by others is that it comes from outside (from you, from the invader) and yours is that it comes from inside (of you).

While your script clearly does not help control others, as they finally slam doors in your face, energy investment you make is not beneficial for you. Your own thoughts control you and this is why you feel really bad trying to fulfill excessive need.