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Forgiving

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  • May 20, 2017 at 8:39 am #150069
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hello all…I am having a difficult time coming to terms with forgiving. It is difficult  at times. I have a question that your answers may help me come to terms with forgiving. We have all heard the term forgive and forget. If one does not forget, yet we say “I forgive,” because we have not forgotten have we truly forgiven? I ask this because there have been times where I say I forgive someone, and have forgotten the event for a while, until something triggers that bad memory and it stirs up resentment, anger about that event. So when I do not forget, have I completely forgiven? I think that if I can differentiate between the two it will help me move forward.

    I embrace all your thoughts.

    With peace and love to you,

    Pearce

    May 20, 2017 at 9:00 am #150075
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi PearceHawk,

    I don’t think the human brain is designed to forget painful experiences. Please hold yourself in compassion for the memories you have, and the way your brain/body is designed to take care of you.

    I see forgiveness as a way of integrating past experiences into my thinking and behavior, not pretending the past experiences didn’t happen.

    What is your understanding of what “should” happen if you forgive someone?

    May 20, 2017 at 9:11 am #150079
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Craig thank you for giving me a very powerful and helpful perspective. Your question caught me off guard and for a moment, my answer was, I don’t know. After giving it some thought, my answer seems to be a simple one, yet I am not sure if it is complete. My answer to what I understand “should” happen is liberation from holding on to anger/resentment from painful experiences. It would mean putting no value on a persons desire to hurt me. I also think that in my responding to painful experiences with anger and resentment means I am willing to engage in the negative moment, which puts value on that negative effort. I value your help and look forward to your thoughts.

    May 20, 2017 at 10:41 am #150095
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi PearceHawk,

    Allow me to offer some thoughts, which I think are oversimplified, but may be helpful:

    I see two kinds of situations involved in forgiveness (again, I recognize I’m oversimplifying):

    1. Someone who has hurt you, but you don’t have or don’t want to have a relationship with them. In this situation, your brain’s inability to forget is what is keeping you safe. The work of forgiveness, which may take some time, is the process of releasing the emotional energy of the incident so that although you won’t forget it, the emotional attachment to the incident is gone. This can take days to years depending on what happened.

    2. Someone who has hurt you, but you DO want to have a relationship with them. This is more complicated. Your remembering brain will be scanning for signs that the person will repeat the behavior. With good reason! Your brain is protecting you. If you are wanting to stay in relationship with this person, you and s/he probably would have to share the process of forgiveness together. Why? Because your scanning brain, around this same person, won’t stop scanning until there’s lots of understanding of what happened, and until there are concrete changes in this person’s behavior so that your brain can relax again. Put differently, I don’t think it’s healthy to prioritize forgiveness in a situation where you’re allowing the person to hurt you over and over again. First, the behavior has to stop and to be understood. Then, with time, forgiveness is possible.

    Just my thoughts.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Craig.
    May 20, 2017 at 11:00 am #150101
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Craig your insight is not of this world. I greatly appreciate it. Your thoughts on this have given me so much strength and is the answer to dealing with it that I have been looking for. I shall write later and give you details of the incident if you wish, if it helps you understand.

     

    Pearce

    May 20, 2017 at 11:07 am #150103
    Craig
    Participant

    Pearce,

    I am happy that you have found my thoughts helpful. I’m interested in whatever you’d like to share!

    Craig

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