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Friend ignoring me around her friends

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  • #282037
    crawford
    Participant

    I didnt get any reply from other forumtopic sl ill try here instead, would love some perspective of the situation.

    Hello again fellow seekers, im really blessed to have forums in tinybuddha to ask about important issues and somewhere to seek help and perspective from. So thank you for everyone that responds.

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>So yesterday i met up with one of my long term friends*lets call her E, and we where going to meetup with her two other friends. Both of her friends are gay and she primarily knows this one friend from work * lets call him J. So im meeting E and J and j’s boyfriend and we are going out for lunch. Usually when i meet E, we talk slowly, in a calm pace, intimate conversation and she is generally being nice but when i meet E this time she has total focus on her other friend. She doesnt invite me in to their conversation and when we sit down for dinner she totally ignores me. I tired making eyecontact for 30-45 seconds straight and she just keeps looking everywhere else than on me. So E keeps her attention on J and i notice she wants to be center of attention for some reason and everytime i make up something to add to the conversation she made signs of displeasure, almost as if it was bad for me having a good time or even speaking to her friend. So she keeps silencing me down, but the nice thing about the interaction with J and E is that J seems to see how rude she is acting. But he doesnt know me that well and doesnt really know what to do about it. I also feel this friendship that E is having with J is somewhag toxic, they keep making cynical jokes, being sarcastic, and mean to eachother just on the point of actually being rude. I can imagine E is hating when J is roasting her because he so much better at roasting her the she is, but everytime she plays it off as a joke or she laughs. It amazes me how each time they do this thing they end up saying “i luuuv u” in the end of a diss or a roast but it still feels like they dont really even like eachother. For some reason she (e) is trying to look like the upperhand and in control with her friend when im around, and it feel like she feels good to have me there awkwardly in silence around them. I feel like i have to be in defense because whenever she gets roasted or made a fool of by her friend or me she immediatly has to attack someone else, usually me to regain her stature or whatever it is. I feel all like im a ghost to her around them because someone better has came along. Does anyone know why she would treat me like this around this friend. Its almost as if she is “owning HER friends and around HER friends she always demands to be right and the upperhand, so whenever i confront her about the smallest thing she feels attacked and has to attack me for nothing. She knows she cant do this to J because she will lose but its ok to be mean to me because its not my style to backfire. Im gay aswell so she is the only straight one in this group, which makes it confusing.</p>

    #282223
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, crawford

    I haven’t experienced quite a similar situation as you have. I have, however, been in a situation countless times where I felt like I wanted to have attention from someone and didn’t end up getting it.

    Sometimes I end up acting a little strangely to get attention from an interesting person. Afterwards I  tend to feel guilty of my strange behavior. Sometimes I tend to shut down, do nothing to get attention. Then feel bad about it afterwards, as I might have missed out on a lot of happiness.

    I am a bit of a quiet and considering person, so I tend to lean towards shutting down and doing nothing.

    All I can say that all of this is very human. Perhaps it’s worth it to try and get attention anyway? If we do it too much, though, we can come across as horribly needy and our behavior can be seen as inappropriate.

    Perhaps try a couple of times to get attention from your friend? Then if you fail to get it, accept it and move on.

    This is really difficult.. We must find ways to come into acceptance of what we end up doing.

    #282231
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It occurred to me: do you see your friend in other situations? If the power dynamic is a bit difficult for you in this situation, perhaps you could get attention from your friend in other situations?

    #282569
    GL
    Participant

    Dear crawford,

    There are numerous questions you should be asking about this situation with your friend and one of them is ‘is your friend like this with other people, not just with J’? Is she usually like this with you? When you’re together, just the two of you, is she the one usually the one dominating the conversation? Is she the one who will make certain comments/opinions expecting you to agree with her? Is she assertive by nature, with a too big ego/self-confident sometime? Does she like being in charge/in control regarding your interactions/conversation/meet-ups?

    There are plenty of people who like being in control of their situation and that sense of control usually extend towards people. With E, she is uncomfortable around J because J does not withdraw from confrontation like you might do. And E does not like that because she is used to being the one in control, or so the situation portrayed. And it seems J has solid self confidence/esteem since he didn’t flinch under the constant canon balls being fired his way. J threatened E somehow, which means her ego was telling her that she needed to prove herself. But J pushed back against E which led to the sarcasm and put down that ended with teeth induced rotting ‘oh I’m just kidding, you know that’. What you saw was probably them having a barb wired word match to see who was the better person and you got caught in the crossfire. E knows you, and to let out her frustration, lashed out towards you who usually does not push back against her. So no, it’s not you, it was E having a love-hate war with J, if they are actually friends.

    The above is only my interpretation to the situation so take it with a grain of salt.

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