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Friend jealousy

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  • February 2, 2019 at 7:55 am #278205
    norit
    Participant

    Hello. In the past I’ve found Tiny Buddha, and you all, have given me insights and fresh ways of looking at things, and I was hoping I could get some help again.

    I have a friend online. We have never met, have known each other for a few years. Would like to meet up some day. I consider him to be a best friend. He’s very likable and popular inside our online community.
    He seems to.. move between female friends. As soon as he meets a new girl, he has his entire focus on her and forgets about other friends until she’s not available. One of his friends reached out to me and said that she only exists when I’m not around. Likewise, he only talks to me if other people aren’t around. It’s a recurring thing he does and makes me feel quite sad – one minute he’s best friend, and then gets attached to someone else, and then seems to come back.

    I feel very jealous and sad about this. I’m jealous of the people he’s talking to. I don’t want to be a jealous person. I’m trying hard to focus on self love and on myself and doing things for myself, but I seem to have gotten attached to him being there? I recognise it’s quite a natural thing to move between friends and splitting your time among people. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much!

    A slightly different dilemma, but a few months ago I introduced him to my other online friends, and since then I feel like I’ve been replaced. He spends time with them more than I do. I have social phobia and talking to people for me is hard. I don’t really know how to make conversation. I have very few friends in person, sadly.

    I don’t want to be a jealous person. Is there any insight anyone could give?

    Thank you for reading.

    February 2, 2019 at 8:47 am #278215
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    Good to read from you again. Before I attend to the subject matter of this thread, I was wondering: are you still living at home with your parents?

    anita

    February 2, 2019 at 9:20 am #278231
    norit
    Participant

    Hi anita. It’s nice to see you’re still here. How have you been?

    I am still with them, yes. Not much has changed sadly – the environment is still very volatile and uncomfortable.

    February 2, 2019 at 9:55 am #278247
    Mark
    Participant

    norit,

    It is quite understandable to be attached to people you meet online if you are shy/introverted/highly sensitive/fearful/low self esteem.  I encourage you to find people in real life to connect with.  There are MeetUp groups and online communities that are local to the town/geography.  There are volunteer opportunities abound.

    I have friends who are very sensitive or fearful who still manage to connect with some people (like myself).  Some are artists who focus their energies to art.  Some read a lot (book club maybe?).  Those are introverted activities.  You may want to find help if your social phobia is that crippling.  Do you work?  Talk with people there?

    I can relate about the challenges to make conversation.  I find that if I am curious then asking people about themselves gets the ball rolling.  People always like to talk about themselves.  If they are good listeners as well then they would like to hear from you as well.

    I suggest you don’t hang you hat onto this one online guy.  You can waste a lot of time and grief tracking his actions.

    Mark

    February 2, 2019 at 9:57 am #278249
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    I am fine, thank you, still nursing a foot injury of a month ago.

    Well, I want to bring some things back from your previous thread before I attend to the subject matter of this thread. It will be unpleasant for you to read, but it still is the reality of your life, so better face it.

    You wrote Sept 2016: “my family can be quite hostile and intense, and it’s only getting worse as my mother’s addiction is getting worse… My mum has been drinking… She used to talk to me about her problems a lot… now talks to herself a lot, often near me or following me to a nearby room… I wait anxiously whenever she’s been drinking for my dad to come home, because he will lose (his) temper with her, usually slamming things, shouting in her face, and recently pushing her too… I feel very guilty for not helping or standing up for her when he acts this way. I want to do the chores/ cooking she does so it makes it les obvious she’s been drinking… But at the same time I don’t want to annoy him… I know I should get away ideally, but I can’t drive… I’m also always worried she’s going to be sick”.

    Nov 2016 you wrote: “My mother’s addictions are getting worse I believe, and there are daily arguments between the rest of the family… I just feel very guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave. I don’t want to make things worse… moving out is  only going to give me a bunch of new things to be anxious about on top of what I’m worried about now… Is it possible to start feeling better from home?”

    What I italicized above is relevant to your current thread, more than two years later: you came up with a way to “start feeling better from home”, without moving out and experiencing “a bunch of new things to be anxious about”-you are engaging in an online relationship with a guy, a guy you never met in person, and therefore it is literally something you do at home without leaving your home, so to distract yourself from the trouble at home, feeling a bit better.

    Back to your older thread: “When I was younger I never thought about my own hopes for the future because my plans were suicidal, and I thought I was just existing for my mum’s benefit. My dreams were things like going into acting, traveling, experiencing life”-

    By having your current unspecified online relationship with this guy you get to stay home, not  deal with the anxiety of leaving home/ finding your own place away from your parents, or with your (unjustified) feeling of guilt, (wrongly) thinking that you will be making things worse for your mother if you leave.

    What insight or advice are you looking for beyond what I posted here at this point?

    anita

     

     

    February 2, 2019 at 11:57 am #278269
    norit
    Participant

    Thank you both for the replies.

    I’m trying to connect to people in person. I’m not in paid work but am volunteering. Whenever I chat to anyone it’s clear I’m quite nervous – it makes me worried people feel like they have to talk to me or do it out of pity. I’ve found the same thing Mark, and tend to ask a lot of questions. It’s when the questions are reversed I find myself stuck as I don’t have much to contribute to the conversation. The last few years of my life have been wrapped around anxiety recovery and family problems. I’m doing a little more with myself now – volunteering, a class once a week – but ultimately I don’t have much to talk about, and the conversation seems to come to a halt? & My mind constantly goes blank, which doesn’t help.

    anita – I am prepared to move out and looking forward to it, but I can’t afford to just now. I’m volunteering in different places with the hope of gaining some work experience, and building confidence, to then move onto paid work so I can move.  I’m trying to build a life for myself, away from home, but it is small steps. Am I understanding correctly – you think that I’m focusing on him right now to avoid my home situation?

    I feel stuck where I am, and am taking small but gradual steps to improve it. I’m not sure what much else I can do, and having some friends, even if they are online, feels helpful and a bit less lonely.

    February 2, 2019 at 1:53 pm #278283
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    I feel very empathetic to you because I know you are in a very difficult situation created through no fault of your own. Yes, I think that a person living in such a distressful home situation looks for distractions. I did, everyone wants a distraction from distress.

    I also know how powerful fear is, so “gradual steps” is the way to go when dealing with ongoing fear, aka anxiety.

    I will be away from the computer soon for the next sixteen hours or so. Add anything you’d like to your thread and I will be glad to read and reply to you when I am back.

    anita

    February 5, 2019 at 10:43 am #278791
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear norit:

    More than two years ago you asked me: “Is it possible to start feeling better from home?” I don’t think I answered that question.

    -you can arrange for a lock to your room so that no one can enter your  room but you, so that when you are in your  room you can feel secure that you will not be interrupted.

    -you can also have a “sleep machine”, I think it was called when I used it. It produces an ongoing sound of rain or a train or the ocean. This can drown or lower the sounds from the rest of the house reaching you.

    -if your father is receptive, maybe you can talk to him about committing your mother to a time in a rehab clinic for alcoholics, or see to it that she attends Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meetings, if such are available in your area, or otherwise take her to a doctor for evaluation and maybe prescribing her psychiatric medications that will help keep her sober.

    -if your father is receptive and there is such a thing as Alanon Anonymous meetings available in  your area, meetings for family members of alcoholics, that can help you as well. You can attend such meetings with  your father.

    One more thing: two years ago you wrote that you used to dream about going into acting. If it is possible for you, I think that attending and participating in an acting class is a great idea for you, something that if it is available for you presently, if you can afford it, or if it is free, it will be helpful to you.

    I hope to read from you again, anytime you’d like, please post again.

    anita

     

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