Hi Tammy

Apologies, I didn’t see your post before. Sometimes if it has been a busy day things get pushed to the next page and I only tend to check page one. Well done on being proactive and bringing your thread back to the top of the pile as it were 😊

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your friend.

Would it be okay to ask for a little more context about how that person bullied you? Please don’t feel the need to share if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I don’t think you’re being petty. You have very real feelings about how you were bullied in your teens.

I think the difficulty is that people tend to believe in change and some time has passed. Perhaps your friend feels like the person who bullied you as a teenager has changed?

It might sound like a silly question, but what hurts about your friend spending time with someone who used to bully you? Do you feel like your feelings are being devalued? That your friend is prioritising the bully? That your friend isn’t protecting you?

You mentioned feeling like loyalty and trust were broken. Can I ask about your concerns regarding trust? Do you feel like your friend would treat you differently or pass on gossip?

It might not be a bad thing to have a conversation with your friend. I think for your peace of mind alone is a good enough reason.

It really depends on how good a friend they are though.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Correct version …’ve been thinking about your question and I can only say things from my perspective. I understand your pain, I think I would be hurt as well in a similar situation. But you say it happened a few years ago. So if I understand it correctly, you’ve been spending time with your best friend in spite of the fact that she was seeing the bully person.

Has your best best friend’s behavior changed since she was seeing Ms. Bully?

I would talk to my best friend openly and honestly about my feelings and would ask her what she finds so attractive about Ms. Bully. Maybe , now that she has children herself, Ms. Bully has changed during all those years and regrets deeply that she had hurt anyone. She might have even forgotten the incident. Who knows. So many things can happen in a few months!

As I said, this is just my opinion, I am not in your shoes, so you decide what to do.

I hope that whatever you decide will be the best for you and for your friendship! Good luck.

Dear Tammy87:

I am sorry that you were bullied in your teens, and that your bully- so it seems- never apologized and never offered to make amends to you, such as offering you significant financial compensation.

In your original post you asked: “a) am I being petty?“- absolutely not! Her bullying was not petty, as in having little or no importance or significance (an online definition of petty).

You detailed her bullying in your recent post: “threats of violence- threats of spitting in my face when they see me – throwing objects such as  cigarette lighters in public at me…“- these are significant offenses. I can imagine how scary it was for you back then to experience this, and how the effects still linger currently.

“b) should I accept this and continue the friendship?“- my answer: no. You say that the bully is still a bully (and she offered no amends to you), so your… former best friend is a friend and supporter of an unrepentant bully..

“c) should I just cut off contact and don’t meet again?“- yes. Don’t meet unrepentant, active bullies and their supporters.

“d) should I risk drama and just tell her how I feel about it…?…I have distanced myself from this friend considerably and see them maybe twice a year now…I feel she would gossip and talk about it to other people“- I wouldn’t share anything with your former friend any more than I’d share with the bully herself. I’d share nothing with either one.. unless, maybe if the bully apologizes to you and offer to make significant amends for her significant offenses against you.

anita