Friends - never had, never will?

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This topic has 76 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by Nina Sakura.

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January 3, 2017 at 8:34 pm #124463
VJ
Participant
Hi Russ,

I have gone through the entire thread and although much has already been very well suggested to you, I thought of replying to you too.

I liked Nina’s suggestion and think that it may work well for you.
“perhaps you can go volunteer someplace – a solid 2 hours a week, no worries about socializing, appearing a certain way – simply going there to do a service and see a world outside of your own perception.”

When you are of service to others (without any expectations), you forget your own worries.

I have read all of your posts and fully agree with sadgirl – that you sound like a kind soul.

At the very beginning when you started this thread you said-
“Did not anticipate anyone would reply!”
and look now you are on the Page 3 of this thread with wonderful responses from people communicating with you.

You did not think you would get in touch with so many people in this way.
So notice the difference – Is the situation really causing the problem? OR is it the thoughts about the situation causing the problem?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, and not against it…This will miraculously transform your whole life” ~Eckhart Tolle

Take one moment of your life at a time. Do not think anything about the past or the future – will I have friends (future), what did the person at the church think of me (past).
Simply bring intense focus on whatever you are doing at “that” moment..on that one tiny segment of your life.

Simply say “hello” or respond to that person at the church and move on.
That moment is gone. So the next moment is you have started walking down the church. Another person passes you by. Do whatever action is required for that moment for eg; saying “hello” again. Then you would continue walking. So bring your attention back to your feet. Watch your steps as you are walking, as that is what you are doing at that time.
Walk as if your feet is kissing the ground.

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh (Zen master)

Just to give you another example-
“When we drink a glass of water, and if we know that we are drinking a glass of water, if we’re concentrated on the fact that we are drinking water, mindfulness is already there. And the water drinking becomes deeper, truer, and real.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

You need to start watching/paying attention to your hand from the moment your hand reaches the glass of water, to holding the glass, to bringing it back close your mouth, to taking the sip, observing the water flowing through your throat. Just like the slow motion action replay on any sports channel. You will find out that while doing all of this, there was no mind activity about any other external situation because your full attention was on the drinking of water. I hope you get the point.

This will take your mind off of any activity going on in the head, and will make your life blissful, and you may well reach a stage where whether or not having any friends in your life doesn’t matter you anymore….You can then feel peaceful with yourself and give your time to your three beautiful children.

Remember, No judgement or criticism about any person (including yourself) or situation, or event. Give your fullest attention to whatever the moment presents. That will bring you to absolute stillness. You don’t even need to forcefully love yourself or others if you follow this. It will happen by itself.

This is practiced more by using a technique called as Mindfullness (there are lots of articles on the web to explore about this).

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: On purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Take care buddy,
VJ
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
January 3, 2017 at 9:16 pm #124468

Chris
Participant

Have you ever considered, rather than suffering from depression (curious to know if this was self diagnosed or by a doctor) you might in fact suffer from trauma related and attachment related issues that you may be able to heal? I would also like to know what you consider “healthy” or “a good person”? These are more rhetorical than actual questions. I have spent ten years digging deep into myself and my “failures” or “inability to fit in”. Now that I’ve grown I’m thrilled to death that I don’t fit in. I have read through most of the comments here so I don’t know if this has been brought to your attention, but, you might benefit from a personal counselor who understands and can perform E.M.D.R. as well as mindfulness and trauma therapy. My path brought me to a counselor to deal with anger. Turns out I wasn’t angry. And in some ways I had every right to be angry. I was 30 years old, sole provider to my family working 7 days a week, my family was miserable and scared of me, my wife spent 2 years cheating on me, and I still thought it was my fault. Please look into finding someone to help you on your path. Your sister might be right being angry with your parents. You never learned to have fun. I didn’t either. I’m now 40 and have had the best five years of my life and it keeps getting better. If you have any questions please ask.

January 4, 2017 at 12:31 am #124471

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Russ,

It hasn’t been an easy process but worth it. I still feel anxious, low once in a while but I am better at coping with these states. There is more balance now. It was worth to make an attempt to change my outlook.

How I started was through plain research – looked through various kinds of therapies, self help books, talked to people who knew me well and I trusted them. During that time going to therapy was beyond my economic means, so i didnt opt for it. I did go eventually for a short while and felt that my problem was workable with right support and information.

Therapy teaches us the means to cope better but it is us who has to implement them after all when in distress. Medication is one way but there are more too. It boils down to understanding the problem and doing ones homework.

For example, here you can pick up the various points others have raised as possible areas to look into, strategies. Copy paste these down in word for now.

I accumulated all the ideas, points I came across relevant to my problem in a word doc with a big heading – “Means for change” – then of course the question came, what do I really want to change?

I always had a basic idea about what I hated about myself, my life but the list seemed never ending. I was worried all the time about everything possible. You can imagine how difficult it was to be this negative and anxious. This next list called what I want to change was huge as a result.

There were two things that I then considered :-

1) How do I like what I am and what I have?
2) what can I actually change?

This is where the serenity prayer comes in –

“grant me the serenity to accept what I can’t change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

Of course this process was messy and took time

So this is where the excel comes in –

Now I had tried to write here on what the excel really looked but I realize it’s too cumbersome to explain in words what is essentially a rather long doc. If you would like, I can send you the format and a sample. Share any email ID and I will send it across.

Ironically this internal audit was very helpful in helping me keep track of things and it appealed to my type A nature.

Regards
Nina

January 4, 2017 at 5:26 am #124481

LookingForFriends
Participant

davidlee – I will definitely check out the interviews and the book. Thank you for sharing that experience and giving me more details about the concept. A testimony that the process really does work!

January 4, 2017 at 5:38 am #124482

LookingForFriends
Participant

VJ – The fact that this post is heading to page 4 already is incredible! You have no idea how much this is inspiring me! I have read and watch many presentations on mindfulness. It is truly something I need to become better at. Eckhart Tolle has been someone I have been following recently. Sometimes, hard to understand…but definitely useful when you speak to others about their impression of him.

I especially like when he refers to your life versus your life circumstances. We shouldn’t be defined by our life circumstances, for they are separate from the person we really are. I certainly am going to take much time reading and re-reading everyone’s thoughts. What an inspiration!

I do have to say that I had one thought run through my head while reading your response…I am constantly fighting the voice that tells me the negative impact that the lack of friends can have on your mental, emotional, and physical health. So, when I think of the present…many times I think, “I am currently alone…this is not good for my health.” That thought is true about the present in many situations…it’s not the past, and it’s not the future. I’m curious if you have any thoughts on this…

Thank you so much! 🙂

January 4, 2017 at 5:50 am #124484

LookingForFriends
Participant

tophismeO – I have to admit that I am becoming quite overwhelmed at how incredibly gracious people are on this site. It’s almost like you and the others that have responded…have gone out of your way, in no way to benefit yourself, but to offer your encouragement and help. I’m literally moved to tears at the responses I’ve received! Do you literally move from one post to the next looking for ways that you can help people?! It’s truly incredible! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes, I have been diagnosed by a doctor as having clinical depression and GAD. It’s really interesting that you bring up anger, because my therapist has brought that up recently. I will definitely look into your recommendations!

I love your comment about how you are thrilled that you don’t fit in…a very unique way at looking at the situation.

May I ask…you state that you are approaching 40 (which I am) and it seems like we are in very similar circumstances…although, currently, I have still been able to a good relationship with my children so far. What is it that changed in you that caused these last 5 years to be the best in your life?

So thankful for your help!

January 4, 2017 at 6:50 am #124485

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hey Russ,

Forgot to ask you something though – which was the point of your first post, especially about friends.

What do you define as a friend?

How do you find them?

What does having a friend do for you?

Do you reckon it gets harder to make friends as one gets older?

What kind of friendship do you want?

What qualities do you generally look for in a friend?

According to me, there are acquaintances, people between acquaintances and friends, and then of course friends. The intimacy and familiarity varies accordingly.

Based on this, what do you really require? What’s the need they will serve for you?

You seem like a really considerate person bdw. I was very happy to see that you put the effort to personally reply to us all. Very rarely have I seen this and appreciate this.

Regards
Nina

January 4, 2017 at 8:18 am #124487

LookingForFriends
Participant

Nina –

Well, technically, I did not get back to you on your last post…so I missed that one 🙂

Frankly, I would feel terrible if I didn’t reply to everyone. You are all taking time out of your schedule to help! It’s the least I can do!

I would love to see your spreadsheet if you don’t mind sharing. I think the safest way would be for me to create a new gmail account that is not my main email…let me know if you think that would work…

Here is the response to your questions:
I define a friend as someone you can call and hang out with…laugh with…spend time with them and forget the day to day grind.
Having a friend gives me happiness, and gets rid of the silence in my apartment…I don’t believe that we were made to live alone like so many people in this society do…kid’s just can’t wait to get out of their parents house to be independent.
I believe that it’s always been hard for me to make friends whether young or old.
Well, I do want to find a wife again…to be in love again would be amazing…but to do it the right way this time…someone peaceful and kind…and then have the kind of friends that I described in my first answer.
I guess I am not really picky on the qualities…but if I had to pick one, I would say someone that enjoys experiences more than “tangible things.”
I would say that the need they would serve is to fill the social void that I currently have…and that I am strong enough to give more to them than I take.

Thanks Nina!

January 4, 2017 at 9:19 am #124500

LookingForFriends
Participant

Nina –

I feel the need to express one more item…and I know I’m not alone. I am super, super, over-the-top stingy with my money. I think that definitely has a profound negative impact on meeting new friends. It is certainly always in the back of my mind as being a major detriment when it comes to meeting potential friends and/or potential soul mates. And, this often becomes a part of my conversation as a relationship develops. Money scares me! So I hold on to it as tightly as possible. This is a big contributor to why I became divorced in the first place.

However, I think I have a degree of legitimacy to my concern. Although a CPA, I still the sole breadwinner for the family, have three children, and can really only survive by being fortunate enough to have moved back into my duplex and use the income from my tenant. I feel like I work at the pace of making a million bucks, but live like a church mouse out of necessity.

This fear eats away at me. I hate it. It makes me cry nearly every day…and is ruining my life…and ruining my relationships. I’m crying just writing this right now. I just don’t know how to deal with that and be happy…and enjoy friends…when they would probably want to go out to eat…and I would have to back out. Or I become controlling in my next relationship which is driven by this fear. I relate this fear to someone’s fear of snakes. It shakes you to your core, and you almost have no control as to how you react to its presence in your life.

January 4, 2017 at 1:10 pm #124525

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hey Russ,

No problem at all. You can surely make a fresh ID and I will send it across. I also don’t use my main email ID anyway 🙂

I must say your description of what you in a friend is rather beautiful actual. It’s so simple and can be easily found at the right places with a little bit of effort. You essentially want quality companionship, not emotional intimacy per say. That is something you appear to crave with a romantic partner, a future spouse.

In simple terms, you want good, solid, down to earth people who are kind.

They are out there actually no matter how materialistic and superficial the world seems at times. The funny thing is, lot of people actually seek this very bonding you described.

Someone to have a laugh with to wash away worries.

It’s good that you are aware of this need.

The anxiety that you described about money is something that really intrigues me. It seems to have had a huge impact on your life, relationships along with things that happened with your rather religious folks at home.

I am really curious to know – when did your issues with money start? Since you started working, got married or after kids? What was your family’s attitude towards money when you were growing up?

Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards
Nina

January 4, 2017 at 1:14 pm #124526

Nina Sakura
Participant

Have you mentioned this anxiety about money to your therapist? I think a deeper assesment of its roots would be beneficial. How did it affect your relationship with your former spouse ?

(Sorry about the numerous questions 🙂 )

January 4, 2017 at 1:58 pm #124532

LookingForFriends
Participant

No reason to be sorry, I actually welcome them! How else am I going to learn?!

My parents did go through bankruptcy, but they made out very well from the experience…we never lost our home, our car, our food. If anything, they proved to me that even in the most dire of circumstances…we all will survive.

I believe the anxiety with money came when the responsibility of it transferred to me. Then it was further irritated by my ex-wife uncontrolled spending habits. Now, it’s just become a matter of survival through extremely high alimony and child support payments for the next decade or so.

I talk to my therapist all the time about money. His approach with me is that I need to release my worry about the money situation, when, at this moment, everything is in balance…and, until this point, I have proved to be successful in pulling out of college debt, establishing positive net worth and maintaining it through the divorce. He says that I am taking a the prudent steps…and if a challenge like a loss of job or a significant bill were to manifest, then we deal with the issue as best as we can when that time comes. I cannot change what I cannot control. I wish my thoughts would follow suit with what I am writing!

I very much like the link that you sent to me. I’ve searched for some time on this topic. I agree with the beginning section: I think I want a healthy relationship with money, so that it no longer defines who I am or adds unnecessary stress on other areas of my life, especially relationships. However, I don’t necessarily think prosperity is the answer. I don’t want to be rich. I just don’t want it to hold me back from living my life. However, I do like how he phrases it: “create a positive and powerful vision of prosperity, unique to your values, lifestyle, and your dreams of a secure future.” So, for me the focus would not be on the prosperity, rather on how much I value security.

January 4, 2017 at 2:04 pm #124533

LookingForFriends
Participant

OK, I just created an email: needsomehelp45@gmail.com

Thank you and looking forward to hearing from you!

January 4, 2017 at 8:01 pm #124570
VJ
Participant
Dear Russ,

Good that you are in touch with mindfullness and following articles on Eckhart Tolle.

“Sometimes, hard to understand…but definitely useful when you speak to others about their impression of him.”
Yes this is true. A surgeon can open someone’s head and show a brain, but not the mind. But it is still there.

Regarding your curiousity on the question you have –
“I am currently alone…this is not good for my health”
If you have been closely following Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, he says (also mentioned above) –

“Whatever the present moment contains, (no friends)
accept it as if you had chosen it. (OK, I don’t have friends. How would it feel if I deliberately or intentionally chose not to have friends [for some reason])
Always work with it, and not against it (working “with it” will mean not resisting your situation, even though it is a painful situation. It means to align yourself to whatever is happening)
This will miraculously transform your whole life”

Eckhart Tolle’s teachings say that you need to use Surrender if you are not able to be in the “here and now” present moment.
If the mind is still saying that “this is not good for my health” then it is not true surrender. There is still inner
resistance. I will suggest the below video on Acceptance & Surrender, if you haven’t yet gone through it, with some beautiful music.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az8c1pyVRkc)

ET’s teachings further say that if you are not able to a accept the present moment, then use your situation to go much deeper
into the Now. Accept the fact that you are not able to accept that you do not have friends.
Then going even much deeper, ET says that the “Now” is NOT the content of the present moment. It is the field in which the
content happens. (Here content means the external life situation).

Keep staring at a plastic bottle of water kept on a table. Keep staring – keep staring closely – and suddenly see the space in which the bottle is standing on that table. There has to be some space which the bottle has occupied. That is the field (space) in which every moment happens. That is also the same space within you. In fact you are that presence. And if you go into intense presence to access that space (by using techniques like mindfullness) then you will touch that presence, you will become the spacious awareness behind your life situation and that is when (internal) life becomes peaceful, cordial, friendly, harmonious and loving irrespective of the (external) circumstances. That is when the unmanifested becomes manifested. And that is when you will start to come across friends and a desired soulmate in your life.

I know you had questions about space in your earlier posts.
That space can only be pointed by me, but only felt by you.

Since we are all human beings constantly with work-in-progress, if you find it difficult to grasp this concept I will suggest
you another approach too, although I recommend you to keep practicing intense presence and mindfullness.

“I define a friend as someone you can call and hang out with…laugh with…spend time with them and forget the day to day grind.
Having a friend gives me happiness, and gets rid of the silence in my apartment”
“I am constantly fighting the voice that tells me the negative impact that the lack of friends can have on your mental,
emotional, and physical health.”

Make a new practice of fighting this inner voice with another voice.
Ask yourself is it really 100% true that having friends can give me such happiness?
What if these same friends move away to a different location and cannot even call due to they getting busy in their own
lives? What if these same friends can become a reason for some kind of differences between you and them? What if these
friends who are now (for a short while) enjoying with me and later on may want to have their own time and space and do not want you to interfere in their lives?
All these things are bound to happen one day because of the impermanence nature of all things.
When any of such things happen am I going to go back to TinyBuddha and write on not having friends? How many times am I going
to do that?
If having these people in my lives can influence my state of mind (by giving me happiness) then it means that my state of mind is dependent on them. It also means that if these people if for any reason are out of my life then I will be unhappy (state of mind) again. This implies that my state of mind is always dependent on them.

Do I really need to give the remote control of my state of mind in other people’s hands?

Take care,
VJ
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by VJ.
January 5, 2017 at 2:42 am #124602
Nina Sakura
Participant
Dear Russ

I am going to get back to you soon about this once I go through the previous posts as well. I feel it would give me a better understanding of things.

One thing I am still unclear about is how did their time of financial difficulty affect you?

Were you a teen then or a kid? We’re there any instances you felt anxious or felt instances of irritation from them? What was the environment at home when this phase was going on?

What do you mean by “responsibility of it transferred” – does this mean when you went to college, or when you got married or when kids happened? When do you reckon the anxiety really got bad about this? Please explain this particular thing in detail in terms of who, when and how. Hope you don’t mind me bugging you with these questions 🙂

I will send you the file soon once I can find it after my laptop is back from repair. Do write back, it’s good to dig deeper into some specific areas and understanding ones own belief systems. Everything is oddly linked.

Regards
Nina
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Nina Sakura.
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