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Friends – never had, never will?

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  • January 27, 2017 at 10:43 am #126254
    VJ
    Participant

    You’re welcome, Russ. I get you about the implementation of the concepts. Have you heard or read about the book/movie ‘Secret’? If not please read/watch it. I recommend both, the book as well as the movie. I say this because I understand what state of mind you are currently at. That will be a very good place to start. When you understand how thoughts become things you will change your mindset towards working on what you want to achieve and then implementation of concepts would become natural without effort.

    Best wishes,
    VJ

    January 27, 2017 at 10:46 am #126255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    Hope you have a good skiing experience this weekend, or that you already had one by the time you read this.

    The title of your thread: “Friends- never had, never will?”-

    Interesting, because the way you communicated on your thread with everyone who responded to you, has been filled with empathy, appreciation, grace, gratitude, so very friendly and indeed your thread has been successful in drawing more respondents than other threads and it has drawn the same respondents to reply multiple times.

    If this is how you operated in life outside this thread, you would have Friends- lots of them (instead of the title of your current thread).

    And that makes me think: what is happening here? Our previous discussion about being a fraud comes to mind. In one of the earliest posts here you wrote: “The only thing that concerns me about peeling off the ‘fraud’ is that I have always been told to be positive and upbeat around everyone and never show that I am in pain or struggling. That pain or struggling has turned many people away”.

    What happens, Russ, if you peel off, in your next post (addressed to me, perhaps, since I am suggesting it), if you peel off this gracious, super friendly, very accommodating, positive, upbeat person that you presented here so far, and present a person “in pain or struggling”- maybe a hurt and angry person?

    You are welcome to do so, if you’d like.

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 8:20 am #126279
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Anita –

    OK, here I go. I am in so much pain right now.

    Last night, I went skiing, alone. I called the only two people that would potentially come with me and they had other plans. I was so focused on the skiing conditions that I forgot that I was alone. But, when I was in the lodge…sitting by the fire. I realized…I was the only one there without family or friends.

    I’m crying so hard right now…

    I woke up this morning in pain. I hate waking up alone. In no way do I mean this sexually…but, deep down inside, I wish one of you lived down my street…that I could meet you…that I could turn around and wake up to you every day. That I didn’t have to wait for someone to post to this string to feel loved again. That there was truly someone in my life that could give me the strength to keep going when I am so weak. But you all probably live in China or California and I will never get to meet you.

    As much as I know I have to love myself before I see any improvement…deep down I know I can’t…deep down I feel that if I love myself, I’m really not going to end up with a friend or a soulmate. And maybe it’s because of the uncertainty of how the situation will end up, that I don’t try loving myself. How can I guarantee that I will not end up in this awful apartment sitting around just loving myself…and still end up alone? How can I love myself, when my sub conscience mind is already beating me over my head, hating myself!

    I want friends…but no matter how many people post different ways of loving myself before I can get a friend. Deep down…I feel it’s not going to work.

    Any time I show my emotion to anyone…the relationship or the situation always ends. It always has. I don’t know why I keep drawing people to a web forum. I wish I could do the same in real life!

    This is my freaking reality. I am going to spend the better half of this day trying to pull myself out of pain. The pain that I am stupid. The pain that I am alone. The pain that I will lose my job and end up on the street. The pain that my kids are going to grow up and I am eventually going to be even more alone (the only reason they love me is because I’m there dad…they don’t have a choice). I’m not going to spend the day trying to improve my apartment, even though I want to. And I’m going to end the day exhausted. Trying to fall asleep to some meditation or watching a movie…and have yet again taken another step back in my life. Going to bed praying to God that I don’t have to face another day. Because every day I wake, I know I’m going to fail at achieving what I want. And I’m selfish…because I don’t get out of my damn house and help other people in need…even though I want to…the damn depression gets in the way…I don’t even know the first place to go to where I could volunteer my time…plus, what could I possibly give to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE, I’M A FREAKING WASTE!

    The only gift I possess is the ability to take someone’s attempt at making me feel better, ripping it apart, completely disproving it will work, and casting it aside…like I am doing with all of you.

    I love being nice…I love it. And I wish I had someone to be nice to…but no one can get close enough to me because of who I am.

    So, that’s the real me…and with all the help that everyone has tried to give me in this post…I can’t implement any of it. And, now all their efforts, all their time spent reaching out to me…has gone in vain. They must be as frustrated as everyone in my life has been. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “There is nothing I can do to help you…nothing I say has been able to help you so far, and it never will.” It’s exhausting to love me, damn near impossible. Because when I am nice…I also always share my pain.

    I can’t stop crying…I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and I’m scared, shaking, alone (I absolutely hate the word ‘alone’)…where is God? where is peace? I think I’m doomed…that no matter what I do or anyone else does…I’m a lost cause…

    That’s the real me. I’m never going to find the cure. That’s the real me that I have to hide behind a shell. Because I am a pessimist by nature…nothing else lives deep within me…just a kindness that I want to show the world without getting laughed at…a kindness that actually drew people to me rather than chased them away. Ugh…I’m so weak right now…just want to give up. I can’t even call my kids now, because I can’t stop sobbing…oh God, oh somebody…anyone…there has to be a cure!

    I’m so sorry…

    January 28, 2017 at 8:25 am #126280
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    I’ve never, ever come across so many people online that are willing to be so kind to me…you are like saints to me…reaching out to help me, when you don’t really have to…I care so much for every single person that has posted to this forum. God bless you beyond anything you can imagine!

    January 28, 2017 at 8:46 am #126281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    Good job being authentic, if I may say so.

    I am not a saint (regarding your very last post). I am scared too. I am a fellow scared human being.

    You are correct, you are not likely to meet in- person me or any of the respondents to your thread. None of the respondents here are going to pay your bills (neither will you be paying mine, of course)- and so, really, there is no reason for you to not be authentic here. As long as you are not abusive to me, I will keep responding to you. No requirements on my part for you to be positive or even friendly.

    You wrote: “Any time I show my emotion to anyone…the relationship or the situation always ends. It always has.”- not here, not with me. Here, please do show your emotions, as you have today. What is the point otherwise…

    You wrote: ” (Respondents) must be as frustrated as everyone in my life has been. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard ‘There is nothing I can do to help you…nothing I say has been able to help you so far, and it never will’” It’s exhausting to love me, damn near impossible.”-

    As if telling another person what-to-do, how-to-feel and what-to-think works. It doesn’t. Trying to do what doesn’t work is exhausting. What you think, feel; your fears, your motivations- these are your private territory, your in-between-the-ears private property.

    Maybe loving you is not about giving you this message: stop thinking this way- think that way! Stop feeling this way, feel that way! Maybe loving you is about saying something like: whatever you think and whatever you feel is okay with me.

    I have more but will keep it for further posts, if you are so inclined to continue interacting here. I do hope so.

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 8:59 am #126282
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Then there is this part of me that blames people. For example, because I am suffering, I put the blame on others that I think should have been able to help me. Not one of my girlfriends is still my friend. I think it may be because I can so easily find a flaw in others because I am so good at finding flaws in myself.

    My second girlfriends finally gave up on me when I let the depression get the better of me and was not kind to her, was removed from her, and others noticed it when we were around them.

    Then there is the situation last night. The individual that got me to get skiing passes for the season to join him and his family was not available last night to ski. So, I get quiet…and I think I may have been blaming him for my lonely night of skiing. I certainly am still going to talk to him and try again. But, there is definitely a side of me that wants to blame him for what happened last night.

    I get hurt by people easily…and, because I am ‘nice’, I don’t confront them…I show my pain in passive ways…like distancing myself from them, acting unusual or quiet…

    this thought just came to me as I was getting ready for my run…so I thought I would post…

    So, not only do the people around me have to deal with my persistent pessimism…they have to walk on pins and needles just to make sure they don’t hurt my feelings. So, why would anyone want to wake up with a person like me? I think I deserve what’s been coming to me.

    Also, when sitting there alone last night…it just brought back the feelings of middle and high school, when some years I would sit at lunch completely alone. Eventually, I changed a little and got enough courage to join people at tables. But, I definitely spent a good part of my childhood years alone.

    January 28, 2017 at 9:11 am #126283
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    The part of you that blames yourself is the same that blames others. I am referring to unjustified self-blame and other-blame. So you move from very nice, reaching out behavior to the silent treatment, withdrawal.

    Healing starts with enduring distress without blaming another. And without blaming yourself. Instead: empathy to yourself, not blaming, not hating.

    Do read my last post to you (25 minutes ago)- sometime. Keep posting.

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 9:14 am #126284
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Anita –

    I’m just blown away that you want to help. I’m almost intrigued as to why you would want to spend your time reading what I wrote that then responding in such helpful ways. Whatever the reason, I’m so thankful.

    I have to say…when you said that I would never meet you or anyone else…it really made me sad. I know that I would never meet you or anyone else…but, by you saying it…it just hit me deep in the gut.

    So, to try and put a positive spin on it…there have just got to be people like you that are around me. So, how come I was able to find you online, but I can’t find anyone like that in “real life.” Someone who I can spend time with and hang out with?

    I love the part where you say “Maybe loving you is about saying something like: whatever you think and whatever you feel is okay with me.”

    Thank you

    January 28, 2017 at 9:23 am #126285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    I live in Washington State, USA. Where do you live? (If you lived close by, I would meet you).

    How come you can’t meet someone like me in-person: well, for one, because you probably don’t live close by. Another: most people don’t understand. As I have misunderstood in the past, thinking incorrectly that there is something I can say that will change a person’s experience of life. I keep posting on this website and in your thread, saying still… but expecting? No, I am not expecting a single thing. Often, it is someone reading a post of another OP who may be open to something I say. And then, sometimes, rarely, it may happen that the OP will consider something I say, at some point.

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 9:28 am #126286
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Anita – thank you, I did read your post. Those painful feelings are slowly starting to go away…it’s not that I don’t want to post what I am feeling…I just feel like I’ve let a lot out and am kind of wiped out! Almost like letting it out is allowing me to bear being with myself for another few moments in life. OK, there I go…starting to cry again! 🙂 All that keeps coming to mind right now is how much I wish a person like you were sitting next to me right now. You are too kind, that it’s almost unbelievable. And, I almost don’t want to believe it because I am so afraid that I will not be able to draw people like you into my life…like literally juxtapose to me. It’s almost bittersweet…to find so many wonderful people online, but not in real life. And the people who are in your life, are not like the ones online.

    So all of this is like a wonderful fairy tale. But, I have to get back to reality. How do I start changing my life so I actually do start surrounding myself with people like you?! And, ultimately solve the puzzle in my original question…will I ever have any friends?

    January 28, 2017 at 9:32 am #126287
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Yup, go figure, I live at the polar opposite of the US…Western New York State. LOL

    BTW, there is something about the people that live in Seattle. They are always so easy to talk to! It seems like anyone that I meet that is worth being around ends up being from Seattle. I think I need to move there!

    So if you have a belief that your words cannot change another person’s life…why do you continue to post? You have certainly changed my day…

    January 28, 2017 at 9:50 am #126289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    I live way north of Seattle, closer to the Canadian border. Not a city girl!

    Why do I continue to post? Because I need this contact I am making with you, for as long as it lasts (usually people here withdraw from communication, not me), because I am learning as I interact, learning about myself and others. As I learn, I continue to heal.

    This connection, here online, with me- that is not a fairy tale, it is very much a real-life connection. Only it is not in-person, that is all. And because it is not in-person, there is the opportunity here to be authentic, for the two of us, more so than in life in-person.

    How do you make friends in-person?

    Prepare by having realistic expectations: as challenged and needy as you believe you are, others are as well. There is so little most people can do for you. And there is so little you can do for others. Have this mindset from the beginning when interacting with people.

    Take responsibility for your feelings- another can’t fix it. Comfort from another’s presence is temporary. Eventually, you will be alone with your thoughts and feelings and the same loneliness of the past will return, as it has so far.

    It is through a long, healthy relationship that you heal. It takes trusting someone, over time, feeling safe with another, experiencing no aggression (passive or blatant) from another and dishing out none as well.

    I don’t believe you or anyone can learn to love yourself all-by-yourself. It is like looking for a job but not being able to get one because of lack of experience. So the person wonders: how can I get the experience if I don’t get a job (the only way to get the experience)-

    in a similar way, you can’t love yourself until someone outside of you loves you.

    Your children, they love you. Don’t disregard their love for you just because they don’t have a choice (of a father) as you wrote before- this is where you can get much of that … love experience you need so much.

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 10:42 am #126290
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Anita –

    I am not sure how all this online stuff works, but I get the feeling that I’m blowing up this thread on a conversation between just the two of us. I’m happy if you want to continue to talk in this manner, but I did set up a temporary email account if you wanted to exchange legitimate information there…ie. my real email, cell #, blood type. It’s needsomehelp45@gmail.com. Hopefully, I remember the password 🙂 If that does not make you comfortable, I understand.

    I have made contact with someone in NYC to help wake up early in the morning to meditate, run and pray before each day, and even though I’ve never met the individual, his commitment to me and some inspiring stories he has shared have really started to change certain aspects of my life. We text each other every morning. We met through a website called “partners in grind” which is now defucnt…but it’s still great to be in touch with him. Has pulled me through some very difficult moments in my life…and it was nice to hear that I have inspried him as well!

    Being brought up as a Christian, the saying “what you do to the least of mine you do unto Me.” has great meaning for me. although, I have yet to put it into action. So, I need help with that. I completely agree, that there is little that one person can do for another and vice versa…but maybe the collective help from many people could change a person…?

    Another thought I have been considering…because life is generally hectic, I feel the need to stop being afraid of being alone, and actually embrace it as an opportunity to improve myself. That is, fix up the house, learn a new skill, read a book, contribute time to a good cause. So, instead of looking at my calendar, seeing that Friday night is open, fearing it all week. I could change my perspective and say…well, I think I will use that time to work on the financials of the not for profit that I have been putting off for so long! Sure, it’s not hanging out with friends at a club, that we have all been so trained to believe is a normal activity…but when I do not have custody of the kids…alone time can sometimes be limiting, and I really think I need to embrace rather than fear the alone time. Kind of like last night. Am I blowing it out of proportion? It was one night I skied alone…there will be other nights that I will join with the family that invited me, and I will be on the other side of the fence…with maybe someone else who is skiing alone…looking at me, thinking that I have friends and my life together.

    When you wrote that you need others to love you in order to love yourself…that was quite contrary to what everyone else has been telling me. Everyone has stated, love yourself first, then others will love you…so I struggle a little on this point.

    I am certainly a very emotional person for being a accountant…and certainly need to improve my emtional IQ. I have to say, that although I have been selfishly fixating on my own concerns…I’m incredibly happy to hear that it helps you in your own way…

    On a side note…I’ve traveled to Vancouver (spectacular), Seattle (love it…but agree that I am not the city type, so the visit was much better), Portland, the Bay area cities, Monteray, Hollywood, LA, and San Diego. I just love that part of the country…each so unique in their own way! I’d much rather have the rain than the snow!

    January 28, 2017 at 11:03 am #126293
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Russ:

    Regarding how this online thing works, here on this website:

    You are the Original Poster (OP) of this thread. You can post here anytime you want and keep it going and going. Currently there is another ongoing thread that surpassed its one year anniversary. People who respond to you on your thread, should respond only to you (and not interact with other respondents). You can start any post here addressing any one (or a group) of your respondents. I will respond to any post you address to me or to a group that includes me. Often enough, OPs don’t address their posts to any particular person and so I respond to those posts. If an OP ignores my input, then I am not likely to address them further.

    You can start a new thread anytime, picking a new title. Since I am the most frequent poster on this website, if you want to start a new thread without my input there, you can do that, and I will continue to respond to you on this thread, or I can withdraw from this thread and respond on another. I mention this because I don’t want this one-to-one correspondence to deter others from posting on your thread/s.

    Embrace yourself and your aloneness, absolutely good idea. Regarding loving yourself first- yes, in between interactions with others, be it online here, or with the guy you mentioned and with people in-person. I don’t believe you can learn to love yourself in isolation and then you will be prepared for others. It is both- together time AND alone time. Be good to yourself in both times.

    You wrote: “‘what you do to the least of mine you do unto Me.’ has great meaning for me”- what does “the least of mine” means to you?

    anita

    January 28, 2017 at 2:05 pm #126304
    LookingForFriends
    Participant

    Nina –

    To me it means those that are less fortunate that you. This is certainly relative.

    I read once that there are three different relationships that one has. Those that you help that are less fortunate than you…that need something that you already have. The second are those that are your neighbors and those that you associate on a day to day basis. Then there is a third relationship, those that you strive to be like. Those are the ones that you reach out to in order to better yourself. Consequently, those are the same individuals that view you as the one who is in need.

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