Friendship Zone with Ex

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    Hi all,

    I am trying to solve a relationship problem and i have end up here. Short story, I and my-ex we used to be together three years. We were also working together so We were sharing every moment together during this three years. We splitted 8 months ago and during this 8 months we are still trying to keep our friendship. When i review our relationship, it was actually friendship more than relationship, we were supporting each other during hard PhD years, sharing difficulties.. He never asked me to meet his parents and he never asked me to move together. I was feeling so insecure in the relationship and in the last one year i was so silly and jealous. I did all the mistakes such a green eyed monster. At the end i offered him to break-up if we have no future plan together and at first he was not sure to break-up but then he accepted that easily. But all the difficulties have started for me after break-up. He could easily move on but i couldnt. I am still trying hard, trying to focus on my PhD, trying to spend time with friends, improve myself.. But it doesnt help. During this 8 months he finished his PhD, so we are not working together but he s still showing up because we still have the same company. Sometimes i really want to ignore him and cut all my contact. Because his friendship is not helping me, he knows how to keep the distance, he is not respecting me, we are meeting when he wants. I am feeling like he is just using me just to feel not guilty. He was the one who started this love and then he never asked me for any further step, then i had to finish and he just accepted that. i am trying to understand him but at same time I want him missing me. What do you offer me? Shall i trying to be friend and suffering everytime when i see him or just cut all my contact? I am not able to do something in the middle 🙁


    Hi Elephant Girl, sorry to hear you are having such a grim time with your ex. I am friends with all my ex’s. However it was only ever possible once the pain had healed and I had moved on emotionally. I am experimenting with the 30 day no contact rule following a really spectacular and final breakdown of my marriage yesterday. Google it. In my case I am not using it as a tool to get my husband back, but as a period of time for healing emotionally, with the hope that we can be proper friends.

    The way you describe your ex it seems to me he is akin to a hot kettle, every time you come into contact you burn yourself… I have also read that love is like a drug, go cold turkey for 30 days you get a clearer perspective.

    Hope this helps, I really hope it helps me!

    Take care of yourself x


    I hate when they stop by to see how you “are” after a breakup! He also might be curious to see if you’ve found someone, or he is even keeping his options (you!) open.

    Regardless, don’t view him as either/or, all/nothing.

    Try not seeing, talking to him, etc. for a month. He will probably run into you “accidentally on purpose” anyway. Reset to Day One. Keep doing this until 30 days have passed. Then, when you talk to him or see him, you will both have clearer heads!

    Warrior of Light

    Good morning Elephant Girl.

    I totally agree with Katarina’s recommendation of doing 30 days no contact; or at least as minimal contact as possible. I too have ALWAYS had a painful time being friends with my Ex’s, and again Katarina is right… it wasn’t possible until I healed the heartbreak and was able to move on emotionally; because those old wounds of hurt and betrayal couldn’t heal because I was continually exposing them to hurt over and over again. Don’t keep exposing yourself to more hurt and betrayal, because, as I’ve experienced, it keeps me trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle of anger, despair, and loneliness.

    Peace and blessings.



    Thank you all for your help. I read a lot about this no contact rule, i have never attempted to apply it because i have had fear to loose also his friendship. Yesterday i ve talked him and he said that he is dating with a girl.

    I registered to tinybuddha yesterday and i read several topics about relationships. All situations are particular but in fact there is one common thing for us posting here. We are having pain and looking for help. I mean some people are moving on easily after break-up but some not. Why can i not move on easily, am i not strong enough, or do i not know how to be happy. Anyway I will apply this no contact just for healing myself as Katarina said.

    Dear Katarina, I wish you all the best with your no contact. I hope all is going to be fine. If you want to share your feelings during no contact period we are all here for you..


    Hi Elephant girl, I thought I would read your post after you commented on mine. I can seriously relate to you here. I think we both are struggling with the concept of moving on and I keep living in the past and keep looking for any sign that my ex is still interested when in fact her actions don’t match her words. I tried the ‘no contact’ rule and didn’t last 3 days. I hated it and lay next to my phone pressing re-fresh every 2 minutes until I cracked and contacted her. Pathetic you all shout and I agree but right then I couldn’t help it. We know we need to be strong, we know we need to break contact, we know, we know but there is a huge difference between knowing and doing! Last weekend I decided to not contact her and she finally text me late Saturday night then Sunday night so I know I can do it but no contact does not get to the root problem. I contact her because I want to, I want to hear from her and I want her to say nice things to me. This means to me that the issue is with me not her. She has moved on and I am not part of that so why do I want to attach myself to a person that doesn’t want me? Is it low self esteem? Low confidence? I don’t think I have low counts of these but others may argue I do. why do I want to be with a person who lives with someone else now and wants to be with them? Writing the sentences down like that should trigger something in the brain to make you realize and understand that no contact and walking away IS the right thing but maybe I have a Dalek brain lol. I know its the right thing and I know I have to experience sadness to get through but the pit in my stomach tortures me and the images of the past haunt me but I know I am a good loving person that makes people laugh and I need to focus on that. If you want to chat elephantgirl and share your feelings let me know.


    Hi Kingmaker,
    As i understood your ex is seeing another guy now but she is still texting you on saturday nigdt? Why is she texting? What is she asking? Does she want to go out? Or just want to check you? She seems to be confused to me, isnt she? Are you sure that she moves on? I think the best thing for your situation is you should give time for you both. But that can be just when you stay away from her for sometime. This 30 days NC would really benefit to you, at least for healing for both sides.

    I am very good at giving advises but in my case he really moved on, he is calling me but rteally with pure friendly feelings. He is clear with our breakup decision. So the only thing i can do is accept that. I will do no contact also, but tomorrow is my birthday and he asked me for a small dinner, this dinner thing was our tradition every year for birthdays. At first i said no but he insisted. I think i will meet him for dinner i dont want to be childish. But later i will be the cold turkey when i see him, i will be still kind but i will put a real distance. We can do it together, we can count the days passing together. It can motivate both..
    Have a nice day,


    Hey Elephamtgirl, did you meet him for dinner??


    Hey, yes i met him i spent a nice day, he gave me even a present. But the things didn`t change. I mean i cant blame him, he just want to be friend and he is honest with his feelings. BUt i am trying to get him back and it wont never happen. I think i cant do NC because i afraid i will loose also his friendship. He met a girl three weeks ago, and they are texting each other everyday.He said he is not that excited from that girl but at least he is trying to move on. And he said that i should also meet other guys at least i have to try.

    How is things with you? Hope all is well..


    I am sorry to hear that Elephantgirl. It depends how and if you can be friends with him? Can you meet him and not have feelings for him other than as a friend? My experience is exactly that – I meet my ex for lunch but she calls the shots because I love her loads and not as a mate. If we row or she is in a bad mood I bare the brunt and I still go back every time! That’s not right! I often sit there having an awful one hour and tell myself never again, yet each day I return to the ‘scene of the crime’.

    I actually did NC over the weekend and its Sunday night here and she contacted me to see how I am. I know we will never get back together and each time I am strong, I shout at myself for being weak. However, a friendship should be joint, not one person taking and the other giving.

    I am also trying hard to not check my phone every 5 minutes and I try to enjoy the moment and I am in, not harping back to the past but its very hard. I read loads yesterday when I had some spare time and I genuinely think that NC is the right thing, but like you, I really need to want it and to carry it on.

    I try to imagine her not being in my life and when I am weak, its unbearable but you know what, recently there are moments that I CAN imagine her not being there, and me getting on happily and this is new to me so maybe, just maybe, there is a glimmer of hope.

    Hang in there, I do know how you feel. KM


    Hey all,

    I want to to ask for some advices from you all about a case which i had to handle yesterday. I would be very happy if you comment on my behaviour in relation to this situation. So here i start.

    Yesterday we visited one of our co-worker for BBQ after work with some of my other co-workers from the university, and of course my ex was also there. First we met all together in the front of the university and then we had to drive a bit far away from the city and i and one of my friend (she), my-ex were in the same car. I was all the evening so friendly and happy. I had fun with all others and he was having fun also and i was happy for him. He was not drunk but he had like 5 beers so he was also not so sober. At the end of the night we drove back until the university together to the meeting point, and from there everybody could go own home. In the car my ex was making jokes with my friend by touching her, but i was sure and still sure it was really in a friendly way. I had no bad thoughts at that moment. Until.. Then we went out from car, and i had to take a bus in 10 minutes to the downtown and they would bike to their places. Anyway, suddenly my ex reminded her that she told that she still had to finish some work at the university so he offered her to go inside and he would wait for her until she was done. It was already midnight. She thought a bit and she was about to say OK and then after i said Isnt it too late for working?, she was agree with me and decided not to work and she said no. Then she offered me to wait for the bus together for accompanying me and then suddenly my ex also said that he would also wait for my bus. I was really pissed off because he never ever waited the bus for me.. NEVER! so it was at that moment so obvious that he was there not for me accompanying while waiting the bus, but for her having fun together. Then i couldnt stay calm and show my feelings and said no please you both do not wait here, i want to stay alone and listen music but they insisted and stayed for me, and continued making jokes each other as if i was not there. Then the bus came i said bye and left them there. At home i was really crying all the night, i felt so dissapointed and sad. I dont know why they behaved like that, i am pretty sure that they were not flirting, she knows my feelings to him and she is in a long-term safe relationship with a very nice boyfriend and my ex was liking her a s friend. But i still felt so unconfortable and jealous and cheated.

    So now please make comments even if you think that comments would hurt me. I need honest comments.. Thank you so much for reading this post..

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