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From 'friend-zoned' to getting married

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  • #116011
    RM2B
    Participant

    Dear readers,

    I am engaged to be married to my best friend who’s been my best friend since 5 years now. I’d ‘friend-zoned’ him for all this while and somehow things have changed as I relocated to another part of the world. I began to miss him in a different way and realised that I didn’t want to live without him and that I loved him in more than just a friend sorta way. Whilst being his friend he fell in love with me and I knew this but at the time I couldn’t bring myself to taking a chance with such a good friendship to potentially change into much else. Given this state of mind, I entered another relationship and partially lost my friendship with him as a result which hurt us both. After relocating, I realised that I was in the wrong relationship and that I loved my best friend and want a life with him.

    We have somehow got to the point where we have accepted each other as best friends but as lovers too. I feel like kicking myself in the head for taking so long to come to my senses and having undergone another relationship, putting me and my now fiance through a lot of pain and unwanted issues. We have lost time in life that was meant for just us two. Whilst I had been in another relationship, he stayed celibate and waited for me. As romantic as that sounds, it’s also painful and I feel responsible for this. I didn’t know what I wanted back then but today I do but every time we try to do something romantic or go back in time, there’s always that pang that stings us both, reminding us of the time we could’ve had, we could’ve done this and that much before now. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t wait or reserve certain recreational activities or date locations exclusively for him and I.

    Now we’re planning to do something with a month left to go for our registration and wedding and I’m really tired of approaching an idea where it may trigger something from the past. It has happened several times where we end up arguing about why I couldn’t do it before or that we couldn’t be together before. The fact that we’re together now completely goes out the window sometimes and we end up arguing about lost time.

    How do I make up for this lost time? How do I convince him that he’s the only man I want and that I will give my life up for him and will never again hurt him the way he’s been hurt before as a result of my rejection? I really want to make our pre-wedding days really special for him and don’t want anything to mess things up… Please help!

    #116024
    jm bee
    Participant

    I know it sounds cliche but darling – Live in the now!

    If it were not for that relationship, you would not have realized what it is YOU really NEED! That is just as important.

    That’s what life lessons do – teach us. You were a student of life. Life led you to your current destination!

    #116033
    Jya
    Participant

    That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, especially since you can’t go back in time. Why think about making up the “lost” time when you have years of time ahead of you, which I think amounts to a lot more than the time that’s behind you. Don’t stress out about this, because you can’t change this past rejection and that’s OK, it’s brought you both to a good point.

    Also, I expect that you needed to be in a different mental space to value him to the extent that you do now. If you ended up doing anything earlier, you may not have had the perspective needed to stick with a relationship like this. It takes time to come to this sort of realization, and being upset you took that time doesn’t strike me as a response that’s fair to yourself.

    You guys are getting married, that should be proof enough that you value each other. If he’s focused on a past when you rejected him, you have accepted him fully now and in the future. If you are focused on a past when you rejected him, again, you accepted him fully now and in the future. You shouldn’t beat yourself up for needing time, as again, if you got together earlier, it might have been a failed relationship with potential that you’d be regret here.

    #116050
    anita
    Participant

    Dear rm2b:

    Did your feelings of regret and guilt over lost time originate in his expressed hurt and anger at such lost time?

    Is the situation such that he keeps bringing back the lost-time issue again and again?

    If it is not you who came up with the lost-time topic- if he brought it up because he was celibate while you were in another relationship-

    Better take care of this issue before getting married. Maybe in couple psychotherapy. This lost-time-concept may be (may, not necessarily) be an ongoing issue way into your planned marriage. And it may become more and more unfair to you. The unfair to you dynamic may be that he will be carrying this chip on his shoulder, this ‘I am a victim; you victimized me; you owe me’

    This will not (and I am sure of that) be congruent with love, with a good marriage.

    anita

    #116152
    jeena
    Participant

    Like Anita, I’m curious as to who keeps bringing up the lost time? If it’s him, then he’s trying to make you feel guilty. That is not a good start to a healthy marriage. Probably should hold off on getting married. If it’s you, then get married and spend your time making it up to him. I think eventually, his appreciation will make you feel better.

    #116262
    RM2B
    Participant

    Thank you so much intuition, jyaetto, anita and jeena for your supportive feedback. Neither of us keep bringing up the past intentionally. Sometimes I say things that remind him of the past struggles or he says things that I try my best to avoid linking it back in time in a negative way. As my best friend, he had to watch me go through another relationship that he obviously felt was unfair to him but for my happiness, he swallowed everything he could to see me happy. I understand this was difficult for him and that no other guy would’ve stuck around for me at a time like this. In fact, I knew what this was doing to him at the time but the only thing I could do was minimize staying in contact to prevent him from getting hurt whilst I tried to find ways to figure myself out.

    My now fiance understands everything that happened, why they all happened and why and how I pulled out of my old life in order to be with him. He’s been in struggle for too long and sometimes I convince myself that he’s used to being on the shortchanged end for too long so this is a natural reaction at reflex. I don’t want to change my fiance as a man because I love him just as he is, with all his flaws, insecurities and mood swings too. But seeing as the past consists of regretful memories of lost time being together and happy, I just need to know what ways there are to avoid things like this happening where there are many memories that’ll keep rising in conversations throughout our lives and we can’t just avoid talking about them. Something as simple as the ‘first time’ talk… regardless of what it is referring to. I am striving to find things to do and have with my fiance ‘for the first time’ so that he feels special and is convinced that no matter what kind of life I’ve had before him, he is the only one I want. He even knows this and is convinced but we can’t help being human and feeling insecure about the past events sometimes.

    I understand we cannot go back in time. I’m so happy that I’ve transcended the life that a lot of people have as a result of having a best friend of the opposite sex by the side whilst being in another relationship with both guys in love with the same girl. The girl walks out and most likely both guys have gone and she ends up alone, but in my case, I tried everything I could so that the love I have for my best friend would never be misinterpreted as rebound. I wanted to make him feel loved by me in all fairness so that he wouldn’t have any doubts or insecurities. I want him to be happy no matter what. And I want that life with him that involves arguments that take us to the future, not drag us back down into the past that we cannot change.

    What kind of things would you say we can do together to enhance such a relationship and to lead a happy life together?

    #116294
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You needed the time apart to realise what you mean for each other- without that time you wouldn’t know how much you Love … right?

    #116326
    anita
    Participant

    Dear rm2b:

    I have an idea that might help the two of you. This very thread here on tiny buddha! Everything you posted here, in your original post and the last post was not meant for him to read. If you share this thread with him, following my advice that you do, he will be able to read your honest thoughts and feelings, such as:

    “After relocating, I realised that I was in the wrong relationship and that I loved my best friend and want a life with him.

    We have somehow got to the point where we have accepted each other as best friends but as lovers too.

    I feel like kicking myself in the head for taking so long to come to my senses and having undergone another relationship, putting me and my now fiance through a lot of pain and unwanted issues.

    We have lost time in life that was meant for just us two.”

    And in your last post:

    “He’s been in struggle for too long and sometimes I convince myself that he’s used to being on the shortchanged end for too long so this is a natural reaction at reflex.

    I don’t want to change my fiance as a man because I love him just as he is, with all his flaws, insecurities and mood swings too.”

    In your posting here you are expressing such love for your best friend and fiancé, such concern, understanding, empathy, good will, best intentions; such acceptance of him- if I was your fiancé, knowing this thread was not meant for him to read, but reading it anyway following my advice- I would be thrilled.

    You did not post a thread regarding any other man in your past. You registered here as a member and posted about your fiancé and with his well being on your mind- THIS HERE is a FIRST.

    anita

    #117786
    jeena
    Participant

    To answer your question “What kind of things would you say we can do together to enhance such a relationship and to lead a happy life together?” I think what Anita said is a great first step! Share what you wrote here with him. How are things going now?

    #118152
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    OK, so, you’re super happy together now, and your problem is that you weren’t this super happy together earlier? Like… that’s the issue?

    It seems to me that the issue might rather be misplaced guilt (on your part), magical thinking (we have to go back in time to fix the past!) an inappropriate virginity complex on his side (he can’t feel special unless he’s the “first”? wtf?) and, most importantly, his seething, all-consuming resentment that you were not his girlfriend, which somehow survives despite the fact he’s set to marry you.

    Like others have in this thread, I would advise against marrying him. The basis of this relationship seems to be guilt, resentment and jealousy. That’s no basis for happiness, girl. Treat yourself better than that.

    I’m sorry that’s not the advice you wanted.

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