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Fwb relationship/friendship so confusing!

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  • #83113
    Hannah
    Participant

    Ok, so this may get long or slightly confusing, but just want some opinions and thoughts.
    So after coming out of a long relationship, I took advantage of being single (F28) and had a few one night stands. One in particular (M27) , back in March, we were friends on Facebook and knew of each other through friends. So after flirty suggestive messages. He came round, we got drunk and had a night of mind blowing sex. He left the next morning, we exchanged a few texts for a couple days, nothing more came of it.
    Skip forward to mid July, I sent a friendly how have you been message, this lead to flirting and he suggests a repeat of March. We keep messaging lots each day, and one night when at a friends drinking he comes round, we end up leaving together and having great sex on a bench in a park! We keep messaging and he ends up coming round 3 days later to my friends to drink…..leading to us disappearing for drunken sex again outside, before returning to the house to join my friend and his friend to drink more.
    Skip forward a week of messaging, and he comes round to mine. We don’t drink much, and end up snuggled up, holding hands on the sofa watching movies. We have sex and fall asleep holding hands and spooning. He stays till lunchtime and then goes. The messages got very few and far between….till nothing from him. So a week has past and I’m abroad on holiday, I pluck up the courage to message him and say I think I’d like more then us just having sex, I’m starting to like him. His response…oh wasn’t expecting that, sorry I don’t and this won’t continue once your home. So I simply reply…ok cool no worries. When I get home, after no contact for a week of me being away, he texts me!! Saying how the sex is the best he has ever had, how he loves how I can make him feel. We message for two days, and he invites me to his. Movie, cuddled up, holding hands, sex and spooning all night. Then a few messages over the past couple weeks, But the turning point I really think was I went to a mutual friends flat after a night out on Friday, and walked in to see him there. He made it very clear to everybody there I was his that night, and he even stuck up for me in a argument. Checking I’m ok and says get your bag, your staying at mine tonight. Mind blowing drunken sex, slept in his arms until midday. He went to a wedding and wakes me up texting me to hook up, but it was 4am….I needed sleep. So we arranged i would go to his a couple nights later. Again movie, lying on his bed, he slides his arm over my tummy, holds my hand, entwined his legs round mine. Movie over…..sex and cuddled up to go to sleep. He joked that he was my toy boy (private piss taking because I’m 5 months older then him)

    He said ages ago he wanted to find somebody to settle down with, and I know he’s only sleeping with me. He asked me, I said yes only with him. To which he replied that’s good because I’m not sure where this would go otherwise. We have both agreed that the reason we get on so well is because we are so similar and enjoy the same things….and sexual needs. Both agreed it’s the hottest we have had!
    So after writing this all, and probably boring people…it has made it feel better to get it all out there! But really what is he thinking? Or wanting? Because of course when I expressed a interest to take it further he didn’t, but that didn’t last long before we were hooking up again. Now this is why I’m so confused!

    #83117
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi marvelgirl,

    I’m going to say that you guys did things backwards. For some reason it’s difficult to get into romantic relationship mode after you do passionate mode first. You miss the getting to know you, the will-he-won’t-he, the butterflies. And he does too, by the way! Men are geared to pursue what they want and if it’s just handed to them, they focus on other things.

    I’m not sure how you can turn this around. You guys being with each other seems like a habit. You are default go-to buddies.

    If it were me I’d say, “Let’s have dinner and a movie OUT.” And not have sex that night but do have cuddling. Dress up for him. Somehow change the script. Say, “Now that you are special to me I want to make this special. If you don’t feel the same way now, you now know that I’m looking for a relationship, and maybe it will work out one day if I’m not with someone.”

    If he says “No” say “Goodbye my Friend” and don’t have hookups with him again.

    If he says “Yes”, great!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    #83121
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear marvelgirl:

    I didn’t understand what you wrote here: “He said ages ago he wanted to find somebody to settle down with, and I know he’s only sleeping with me. He asked me, I said yes only with him. To which he replied that’s good because I’m not sure where this would go otherwise”

    Can you re-write this? He said ages ago- when? Did he say that he used to want to settle down long ago but no longer does? When you wrote “He asked me” – what did he ask? And when you said “yes only with him”- meaning he asked you if you are only sleeping with him? Can you write more about that conversation you had with him?

    anita

    #83125
    Jodi
    Participant

    Your best bet is to just have the conversation about what you both want. If you want a relationship, tell him and see what he says. If he wants to keep it as FWBs then you have a decision to make. You either continue as is even though you are developing feelings for him (which could be very hard and painful) or you move on to find someone who wants a relationship in the same way you do. Most people don’t have these conversations because they fear the other party’s answer and having to make a choice, but delaying it only causes more pain down the road. Have the conversation and see what happens.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

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