Hi Rich,

I think it’s great that you have taken time for yourself, and you should be very proud of your accomplishments of going to graduate school. I was in a similar situation myself. I dropped out of a community college when I was 22. I was too young emotional for the pressures of studying, and I was engaged at the time and living with a man, and unfortunately the relationship turned very rocky and turbulent, because I was too emotionally immature to handle the demands of a relationship as well. All I wanted to do, was go to the beach and bars and party with my friends.

When I moved to Seattle, I was about 31, I decided to finally improve myself and although it took a very long time, I finally completed my AA degree. I had no emotional support from my family or even my friends. I felt very isolated. I didn’t date at all. I then decided to keep going and finally got my BA degree when I was 40 years old. I had to have my degree mailed to me, because no one would come to my graduation. I then started on graduate courses but did not finish as depression kicked in hard and I could not finish.

I would not put too much pressure on yourself to look at things in terms of “dating”..rather..maybe meeting someone, perhaps at an event at your college. Instead of thinking to your self of it being a “date” and “rejection” think of it as finding a new friend in a woman and looking forward to something you both have in common, without looking at it as “a date”. Do they have football games, soccor, basketball, or something you would ask a friend out to? That way you won’t think of it as a “date” or possible rejection. Or maybe you could ask her (someone you might be interested in) if you would like to meet at a coffee bar or espresso bar before class in the morning. Something that is casual and not intimidating and a college campus is perfect for that. When you start getting your self worked up about it being a date, just take some deep breaths, take a step back, and tell yourself you are just going out with a new friend. It will take the pressure off. Use guided imagery. Imagine it going well, the two of you are getting along great and have alot in common. Don’t think about anything like kissing, holding hands, just friends only at first to try things out, and just let things happen. I hope it works for you. Keep us posted.

Hi Rich,

I’ve got to say, when I was in my 20s, I had no idea how to talk to women. I am much older, now in my 50s, and because I’m single, I’m again seeking to meet someone special.

My own opinion, FWIW, is not to try to connect with women by complimenting them. There’s nothing wrong with compliments if they come from a place of joy and authenticity, but I think if you do it to get their attention, you might be self-aware that you’re not acting authentically, and most people will pick up on that.

I’d suggest thinking in terms of having regular conversations. Don’t worry about ever seeing the women again. What I mean, is that if you’re out walking in your neighborhood and you see a woman walking a dog that strikes you, you can say “Wow, I like that dog!” You can pause to chit chat but there’s nothing wrong with just smiling and going on your way.

Do this kind of thing over and over. You can even just say “Hi” to women as you pass them and continue about your business.

The more you have lots of positive even short experiences of talking and light stuff, the more comfortable you will feel.

Here’s a goal, I’ll just toss it out there. Change it as you wish, or discard entirely: Over the next week, just smile and say “Hi” to 7 women (of any age, etc.) and for another 3 women, say something more, like “Man it’s really hot today” or, “My neighbor has a dog just like yours,” or “Isn’t it great to be outside today?”

You’re just practicing your natural ability and desire to connect with others.

Hope this spurs your own ideas!