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Getting back in the game (dating)

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  • #152458
    noname
    Participant

    Well I told myself i was going to wait a year before attempting to date again to learn to love myself first and be happy being alone, however i’m about 6 months in and feel that at this point i’m actually just avoiding dating out of fear of rejection, and fear of success as well because if I were to get into another relationship that would mean i would have to get close to someone and deal with the ups, and downs that comes along with intamacy.

    However, I can say with confidence that since i’ve embarked on this journey of falling in love with myself that i am probably happier than i’ve ever been in my 25 years on this planet, I’m excelling in my graduate program, athletically, and have made some good friends in the past year, a complete turn around from having been suicidal for the majority of my life.

    Where i’m at now though is a place that I feel i’m ignoring my need for intamacy, as if i’ve got something to prove to myself. I’ve had a few depressive episodes in the past week stemming from lonliness and a lack of attention that have been kind of scary and remind me of my past self who wallowed in self-hatred. As I can’t rely on my depressed mother, and don’t get a chance to see my friends as much due to classes, it has been difficult for me to maintain in such isolation (some of it self inflicted),

    I’m looking for some advice on coping with the inevitable failure that will come along with dating. Attempting to get close to a woman is seriously the scariest thing in my life, it brings up feelings of worthlessness, and quickly makes me feel hopeless with any amount of rejection. In the past taking risks has been easier when I was in group therapy because I had a group of people that cared and encouraged me, but trying to do that for myself has been very difficult.

    Thank you for reading!

     

    #152460
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    All this sounds really good. You did some work on yourself, and now you’re thinking about opening up to the possibilities of meeting and having relationships. I don’t know you personally (obviously), but I’m not a big fan of people isolating themselves for long periods of time to get to know themselves. I think we are social creatures and that in fact, one of the best (if not THE best) way to grow is via our relationships with others. That being said, there are some who jump from relationship to relationship that I do think truly need to get out of that loop.

    Regarding your question about coping with inevitable failure…. well, I’m thinking to go slowly. Get to know a few women. Enjoy them. Do things together without rushing to become a “couple.” Practice talking. Practice listening. And I think there’s some wisdom in your group therapy experience. If you could find a similar situation, or make new buddies and platonic female friends (like in clubs with people who have similar interests), that probably would again give you some healthy support.

    It sounds like overall you’re in a decent place and looking forward.

    Craig

     

    #152462
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    I think it’s great that you have taken time for yourself, and you should be very proud of your accomplishments of going to graduate school. I was in a similar situation myself. I dropped out of a community college when I was 22. I was too young emotional for the pressures of studying, and I was engaged at the time and living with a man, and unfortunately the relationship turned very rocky and turbulent, because I was too emotionally immature to handle the demands of a relationship as well. All I wanted to do, was go to the beach and bars and party with my friends.

    When I moved to Seattle, I was about 31, I decided to finally improve myself and although it took a very long time, I finally completed my AA degree. I had no emotional support from my family or even my friends. I felt very isolated. I didn’t date at all. I then decided to keep going and finally got my BA degree when I was 40 years old. I had to have my degree mailed to me, because no one would come to my graduation. I then started on graduate courses but did not finish as depression kicked in hard and I could not finish.

    I would not put too much pressure on yourself to look at things in terms of “dating”..rather..maybe meeting someone, perhaps at an event at your college. Instead of thinking to your self of it being a “date” and “rejection” think of it as finding a new friend in a woman and looking forward to something you both have in common, without looking at it as “a date”. Do they have football games, soccor, basketball, or something you would ask a friend out to? That way you won’t think of it as a “date” or possible rejection. Or maybe you could ask her (someone you might be interested in) if you would like to meet at a coffee bar or espresso bar before class in the morning. Something that is casual and not intimidating and a college campus is perfect for that. When you start getting your self worked up about it being a date, just take some deep breaths, take a step back, and tell yourself you are just going out with a new friend. It will take the pressure off. Use guided imagery. Imagine it going well, the two of you are getting along great and have alot in common. Don’t think about anything like kissing, holding hands, just friends only at first to try things out, and just let things happen. I hope it works for you. Keep us posted.

    #152464
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    I think it’s great that you have taken time for yourself, and you should be very proud of your accomplishments of going to graduate school. I was in a similar situation myself. I dropped out of a community college when I was 22. I was too young emotional for the pressures of studying, and I was engaged at the time and living with a man, and unfortunately the relationship turned very rocky and turbulent, because I was too emotionally immature to handle the demands of a relationship as well. All I wanted to do, was go to the beach and bars and party with my friends.

    When I moved to Seattle, I was about 31, I decided to finally improve myself and although it took a very long time, I finally completed my AA degree. I had no emotional support from my family or even my friends. I felt very isolated. I didn’t date at all. I then decided to keep going and finally got my BA degree when I was 40 years old. I had to have my degree mailed to me, because no one would come to my graduation. I then started on graduate courses but did not finish as depression kicked in hard and I could not finish.

    I would not put too much pressure on yourself to look at things in terms of dating..rather..maybe meeting someone, perhaps at an event at your college. Instead of thinking to your self of it being a “date” and rejection think of it as finding a new friend in a woman and looking forward to something you both have in common, without looking at it as a date. Do they have football games, soccor, basketball, or something you would ask a friend out to? That way you won’t think of it as a date” or possible rejection. Or maybe you could ask her (someone you might be interested in) if you would like to meet at a coffee bar or espresso bar before class in the morning. Something that is casual and not intimidating and a college campus is perfect for that. When you start getting your self worked up about it being a date, just take some deep breaths, take a step back, and tell yourself you are just going out with a new friend. It will take the pressure off. Use guided imagery. Imagine it going well, the two of you are getting along great and have alot in common. Don’t think about anything like kissing, holding hands, just friends only at first to try things out, and just let things happen. I hope it works for you. Keep us posted.

    #152618
    noname
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your replies and sharing.

    I have actually been focusing on making friends male or female, and deepening the relationships i do have, though i must admit i have no close female friends mainly because most of my interest tend to be male dominated, with the exception of my profession/classes which is female dominated field. I’ve never really felt comfortable asking a woman to hangout platonically because I feel there is always a tension there.

     

    #153026
    noname
    Participant

    So I have really been having a tough week, just thinking about dating and making attempts makes me very depressed. I have been very angry with myself, something I have a long history with. I have been having at least two severe crying episodes per day usually before going to sleep and trying to get out of bed. The silver lining is that I somehow have managed to drag my ass out of bed and keep my routine (eating, exercise, classes, hygiene etc.) in the past I would probably have stayed in bed all day without eating as long as possible. I know my life has meaning beyond my own happiness, so I use that keep me going when things get tough as I’m prone to suicidal thoughts, and feeling hopeless.

    So in the past week the effort I have made in regards to attempted dating so far has been 1.) setting up an online dating profile, then deleting it as of this morning. 2.) thinking about people i would potentially like to get close to then coming up with reasons for why it wouldn’t work.

    It took years of work for me to get the point where I am now, I went from having about 2 friends that i could hang with to now having about 5-6. The thing is they are all male and i continue to notice that i a probably come off very impersonal towards women or quiet out of fear.

    Knowing my tendency to clam up around women, I am looking to backtrack quite a bit, and kind of put the goal of getting a date on the backburner, similar to what you guys were suggesting. I am asking for help and some potential measurable goals of interacting with women that could help me break out of this habit. When trying to come up with goals by myself I get overwhelmed which leads to self-hate, then depression. I feel very creepy complimenting women on their looks, or giving them any praise whatsoever, as i feel as if i’m somehow being another superficial man. So if anybody has any simple ideas i could try this week please let me know.

    #153030
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Rich,

    I’ve got to say, when I was in my 20s, I had no idea how to talk to women. I am much older, now in my 50s, and because I’m single, I’m again seeking to meet someone special.

    My own opinion, FWIW, is not to try to connect with women by complimenting them. There’s nothing wrong with compliments if they come from a place of joy and authenticity, but I think if you do it to get their attention, you might be self-aware that you’re not acting authentically, and most people will pick up on that.

    I’d suggest thinking in terms of having regular conversations. Don’t worry about ever seeing the women again. What I mean, is that if you’re out walking in your neighborhood and you see a woman walking a dog that strikes you, you can say “Wow, I like that dog!” You can pause to chit chat but there’s nothing wrong with just smiling and going on your way.

    Do this kind of thing over and over. You can even just say “Hi” to women as you pass them and continue about your business.

    The more you have lots of positive even short experiences of talking and light stuff, the more comfortable you will feel.

    Here’s a goal, I’ll just toss it out there. Change it as you wish, or discard entirely: Over the next week, just smile and say “Hi” to 7 women (of any age, etc.) and for another 3 women, say something more, like “Man it’s really hot today” or, “My neighbor has a dog just like yours,” or “Isn’t it great to be outside today?”

    You’re just practicing your natural ability and desire to connect with others.

    Hope this spurs your own ideas!

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