Getting Unstuck

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 8 months ago by Al.

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March 10, 2015 at 6:36 am #73799

Achyheart
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Im in the midst of suffering from finding out information about my old boyfriend, whom I haven’t been with in over a year but still have strong feelings for. I allowed myself recently to live my life as though we would be getting back together someday. We live in different states, so aside from his occasional texts to me, that possibility is not realistic.

This information made me see that things between us aren’t what I thought they were. It’s caused me a lot of mental and emotional anguish. I can’t sleep, nor clear my mind enough to make it through my day and take care of myself the way I need to.

I try to tell myself that it’s over and to move on so that I can just work on healing that part of me that doesn’t want to let go, but I don’t know how to do that when my head is full of thoughts of him moving on to someone else, and especially thoughts of his life being so much more incredible without me. I want to tell him to not contact me to make it easier, but because of certain circumstances I really can’t, or if I did, the suffering might be unbearable.

I’m not good at helping myself through tough times. I’m caught in a cycle of suffering. Any suggestions on how to get off this train?

March 10, 2015 at 9:31 am #73800
George
Participant
Dear Leila

I know how difficult this must be for you. You said being with this person is not a realistic solution for you. That is ok.
What can you do from this point? You will have to move on with your life. This is not bad if you really prepare for it mentally.
You forget that moving on will also be an incredible experience for you as well. Well, it is not easy. I remember my first time hearing about my ex girlfriend. My heart was racing…! But the feeling passed. This will happen to you eventually. This too shall pass.

You said you are not good at helping yourself through difficult times. How can you change that? What does a woman that cares about herself do? Takes care of herself emotionally and physically. If you need space you should make that clear despite any circumstance. Prioritize.<< Who needs help? Leila and this man or this woman etc. Who will help Leila if i don't?>> Well… You ought to take care of yourself if these are your needs. If it is really imposibble to stop communication then at least schedule the texting between you or limit them to absolutely necessary in order to have some control over it. And plan a way out of the communication with him. At least for the period of time that you consider neccesary time in order for you to heal your heart.

Moving on will be incredible. You will gain confidence by overcoming difficulties. You will feel happy when you realise that you can, and will be, indepedent emotionally and unbound from the past. I believe it is hard for you because you really cared for this person and possible he cared for you too. Right? It is normal to pass through these emotions and you should embrace them (its part of the healing proccess).I assure you that they will pass.

You can meet new people. You can enjoy life. No one should force you to live in the past.

Take care
George
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by George.
March 10, 2015 at 10:09 am #73807

Stephen
Participant

Hi!
There have been times in my past where it took me a long time to get over a break up, too, so I can sympathize with you.
Looking back on it though, the amount of time it took were not proportional to the length or the depth of the relationship.
You kind of hit on what it took me a long time to figure out:
“but I don’t know how to do that when my head is full of thoughts”
Boom, right there. You need to fill your head with other thoughts.
Certain kinds of people, myself included, fill our free time with rumination. This is very detrimental to the healing process.
How do you fix this? Fix it with whatever it is you love to think about that makes you happy! For me, I need to run, or lift weights, or rock-climb, or play the piano, or play trivia in a bar with my friends.
The healing effect increases when you mix in friends because you are no longer in your head, you are using your brain to do something and interact with people who didn’t break your heart.
Do you read? Join a book club.
Do you sing? maybe join a choir in a church.
You dance? Take a zumba class or something.
You will better yourself, meet new people, and get out of your head all at once.
It’s a lot easier to give advice than to follow it, but this is what I would have told my younger self: “Stop moping, go lace up your sneakers, breath deep, and smile. There are seven billion (minus one) reasons that you shouldn’t worry about the past anymore.”
Okay, you can think about it every now and then if you really want to, but you can’t worry about it.

Peace!

March 10, 2015 at 4:00 pm #73814

Shawn Nash
Participant

Hey Leila,
I’m feeling very sorry for you!
I strongly suggest that you go for “Cognitive Behavorial Therapy.”
Only a professional therapist can help you out here.

March 11, 2015 at 11:06 pm #73865

Al
Participant

Leila,

Here is a link to a thread I replied to a while ago which resembles your post. I believe the answer I gave this person can be applied to your situation. (I will be way at the bottom)

Lost the Love of my Life

I hope it helps.

Al
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