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Gf’s Dad passing was the final straw into ending our long distance relationship

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  • #447410
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Hi there again everyone. I’m going to try to make this a little bit short and it’s not going to be completely edited correctly. But here goes, so my ex-girlfriend broke up with me and we’ve been doing long distance relationship for 1.5 years. I live in the states and she lives in Japan. I had a job where I had an opportunity to have one week off and one week on but it didn’t work out and I was devastated. But after about a half of the relationship in she would remark and say things like I think you should find someone that appreciates you more and can give you more affection. I think after that I got kind of in a panic mode and I started making rash moves. All in all we would see each other every 2 to 3 months sometimes even quicker and monthly. We kind of have our differences but lately the last 6 months we’ve only been trying to call each other once. She works in the film industry and it is very intense and requires a great deal of concentration and commitment. Like there are days where she just has to go home and work and that’s all she can do. It took me a while to understand this and even to the point where I would visit her during those intense times and she wouldn’t want me to go over. It was understandable. Because she lived in Japan and I had the desire to do things that were in those time frames I was selfish and I still did it. She gave me many opportunities but I also think that we might be different people. I understand that long distance for some people is way harder than for others and for me it just forms a stronger Bond. I could say that there’s a lot of red flags in the situation but for me it’s hard because I don’t want to say goodbye but I’m going to have to. Since we weren’t friends first then saying goodbye to romantic partner is just moving on for me. I don’t know if tomorrow will be the last day I will talk to her but she said that she wanted to talk that she finally had the space in her head and calmness to do so. I’ve been trying to rehearse how this conversation will go and even got super drunk on one day and almost made it to the conversation wouldn’t happen. Basically I work a chill 9:00 to 5:00 and so I understand that that in her eyes my life is super calm and stress free. Hers is not. She has given me three chances one time we got into a big fight over not being able to be intimate when I was visiting her and she wouldn’t do it three or four nights in a row because she wasn’t in the mood or she was tired. Which is understandable but I would want to know that like prior to us getting into bed together or something like that. Like if she said that when she came into the house like I’m so tired today I’m just going to knock out and I’m like okay that’s fine. But waiting until the very last second to the end of the night is not cool because then I feel disappointed. To be honest she has been the first woman that has rejecting me intimately. I still really care for I still love her but honestly I know I seem like very selfish. Even when her dad passed away I try to offer my condolences and trying my best to console her but all I could do was just be myself and just try to make her feel normal. There are so many things I feel like I could have done to maybe at least try to strain the relationship but I didn’t do it. I think that feeling regret sucks but I know that internally that maybe the relationship would have worked out but I always want to end things in good terms and when we both are done with it. I know that’s a hard relationship work it’s a two-party thing but it really sucks because I at least thought that maybe we could think work things out. Maybe I’m overly optimistic but I am definitely tired of me someone leaving a part of myself with them and moving on and becoming a hollow shelf of my empty self. Like I always feel like I lose part of myself when I move on. And I tried to visit while she was in the peak over work and I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told her and maybe I should have just done a visit and just not have told her but I didn’t do that I told her because I just have a big mouth I guess. It’s not just with her but many times when I’ve had clothes people had their family members passed away I have not been able to do much I tried to tell them I love them and that to remember the good memories and that the person in death wouldn’t want to see them suffer. But other than that I never did much more else for them not to my other ex not to my family members not to my good friend. And certainly I couldn’t do the same for my ex-girlfriend. It’s been about a month since since broke up with me. I was in Japan and I left her some roses and she liked them and thought that was a sweet gesture. Like you said it hit her sweet spot but I opened my big mouth and said for a moment I was thinking maybe I should knock your door but I didn’t and I left. When in reality that night I just wanted to drop the Roses off and go to bed but speaking to some other friends for advice they said I should try to go for it. Since I made the trip and everything but she was in her very rigorous schedule and even sometimes she says they don’t even have time to take a shower in the next day because it’s just shooting the film going to sleep for a couple hours and then shooting the film. I saw her light on so I maybe thought that she was awake. Idk. That’s the only reason that I thought maybe I should name her doorbell. But anyways I’m in a 7-day trip knowing that she probably didn’t want to see me and that’s what’s fine I did my gestures I gave her my gifts and I gave her my last letter. I can’t really think about being with someone else I try to get over her after a month. Is it weird that you want to be with someone and hold on to someone even though you know that that they might not be the person for you. I think that’s what we were doing with each other we were trying to hold on to each other and that’s why we couldn’t have a conversation on the phone but only through text because we thought that maybe someone would get upset with the other one and then it would escalate. I know relationships come and go but this one really hurts. Like I know I should have been there for more after her father’s death. There’s so much regret and I can’t go back in time and fix it. Even now I just wanted to pour all my soul into a conversation with her and basically have like a soliloquy of myself just telling her all my thoughts and feelings and organizing them and so basically like a speech a confession and closure for myself. But then I realized maybe I’m always been selfish in the relationship and I know that I messed up a lot because she gave me a lot of freedom and I took advantage of that. I also use pass long distance relationships to justify that I could do more stuff freely because the other person isn’t always there to monitor. It wasn’t bad stuff it was just going out more doing more stuff and traveling more. Honestly if you look at this objectively it’s not a good and healthy relationship but I still want to be connected with her. And since I only met her and became a romantic partner then the only way I could be connected with her is romantically. Which is why I have to move on and cut her for my life because I can’t just be her friend. I can be your friend I can try to be your friend but we weren’t friends to begin with. Every other person who I had loved has blocked me. They do it because I push into the limits and also because I think they know that’s the only way that they can move on and then I can move on. I really wish I had been here for her and gave her more calls and done all this stuff I can only express myself in gratitude during the final call. I also want to show her my true self and tell her all the stuff that I wanted to tell her. It seems like a really hard tail but if I do it tomorrow then it’s over for me and her. I don’t know why I kind of want to prolong it but I also just want to get it over with. I haven’t been able to focus at work and that will be a problem real soon. So I either do it tomorrow or Sunday morning. I really don’t want our story to end. Since the breakup I’ve gone really hard to go chase women and try to get her out of my head but I’ve been met with so much disappointment that like I’ve met so many potential matches and people that could be potential partners for me and nothing worked out and everything got cut off and everyone didn’t have patience and everyone just blew me off. Mind you, I also wasn’t super nice to some people. And it’s really hard to approach women if it’s not your style.

    I used to have an ex where I feel like she experienced all these things with me and now karma is saying hey it’s your turn. I really feel like that. But I also feel that I made the same mistake that in the past where I could have avoided things by keeping trips I made to myself. For example in 2015, with the first ex I speak of, I was caught while we were on a break with another woman and I told her I was going to a different city. We weren’t together at the time but still that was a lie to her face and it was with the girl that she thought I had cheated on her with. Or she thought that I still had feelings. for that girl. What I should have done is just gone to that girl first and then visited my ex-girlfriend but I didn’t think clearly. 10 years later I’m in the same boat I didn’t know how my current ex was going to react but she already got mad and upset with me visiting during one of her kind of peak work periods. I don’t know why I’ve been so stubborn and not listening but it’s not really like me to do that. Maybe I’m justifying the trade off with her personality as being very rash as to me thinking of having more freedom. I love her and I care for her deeply and I still want to be with her I still have hope that they can work out maybe I’m just being foolish but even to this day I have the hope. I don’t know when I should make the call and I still have the Hope even when they call that we can mend it out and we can continue. But she said that she needs physical touch needs someone to be physically there when she needs them. She needs someone to humble her to ground her to guide her. I guess just be more mature than her. And obviously I’m not that mature. Even after 11 years of relationships. And she just want someone close to her. Because I failed with the job I can’t do that person it seems like. When I couldn’t get the job of one week on and one week off so I can visit her frequently I was so devastated and she didn’t know why I couldn’t get over it. It was because I knew this moment would come eventually people get tired of long distance and I’m okay with it but at this point she taught me to invest in my future in my future right now is my job and getting some sort of investment for life. She tell me a lot I’m just so damn sad. Because she told me that there was one time where she thought that we can grow old together because she saw my rugged face driving in a nice guy after she had woken up From a nap. And she has done what I need in a person is being loyal, giving me freedom and sexually satisfying me. Like if I had sex for the rest of my life I would be okay and content with it. Put out personalities don’t mess that’s the truth and sometimes people finish relationships sooner than expected maybe we still had a chance to grow and maybe change things but she has decided that it’s no more. Is there any way I can convince you otherwise I mean I still want to continue. Should I make a call tomorrow or Sunday either way, after this it’s over. I’m just so sad. I don’t want to interact with any other girl

    #447411
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Ty for reading and any reply would be appreciated ☺️

    My final question is can I turn this around? Can I use the final chance to talk to her as a way to make her see that maybe we can still be together? After 1.5 years and her giving me two chances?

    #447412
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    Thank you for sharing so honestly. I can feel how much this relationship meant to you, and how hard it is to let go when you still care so deeply. It’s clear you’ve been reflecting a lot—on what went wrong, what you wish you’d done differently, and what you still hope for.

    If you do have this final call, maybe don’t see it as a last chance to win her back. Instead, think of it as a chance to speak from the heart—without pressure, without trying to change the outcome. Just be real. Share what you feel, what you’ve learned, and what she meant to you.

    Sometimes relationships end not because the love wasn’t real, but because the timing, needs, or growth didn’t line up. That’s painful, but it doesn’t make the connection any less meaningful.

    Whether or not she wants to continue, you can still move forward with more clarity and strength. You’re not broken—you’re grieving. And that means you loved fully.

    Take care of yourself, Anita

    #447420
    Alecsee
    Participant

    I’m so nervous, it’s gonna happen soon

    #447421
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Ty!

    I’m so nervous, it’s gonna happen soon. All my notes seem too hard to organize

    [quote quote=447412]Dear Alecsee:

    Thank you for sharing so honestly. I can feel how much this relationship meant to you, and how hard it is to let go when you still care so deeply. It’s clear you’ve been reflecting a lot—on what went wrong, what you wish you’d done differently, and what you still hope for.

    If you do have this final call, maybe don’t see it as a last chance to win her back. Instead, think of it as a chance to speak from the heart—without pressure, without trying to change the outcome. Just be real. Share what you feel, what you’ve learned, and what she meant to you.

    Sometimes relationships end not because the love wasn’t real, but because the timing, needs, or growth didn’t line up. That’s painful, but it doesn’t make the connection any less meaningful.

    Whether or not she wants to continue, you can still move forward with more clarity and strength. You’re not broken—you’re grieving. And that means you loved fully.

    Take care of yourself, Anita[/quote]

    #447433
    anita
    Participant

    Hey Alecsee, nerves are totally normal—especially when something matters this much to you. It’s okay if your notes feel messy right now. You don’t have to organize everything; just focus on what’s most important to share.

    Here’s a simple way to structure it:

    Start with one truth: Why you’re choosing to talk to her now—what shifted, or what’s been on your heart.

    Pick 2–3 core points you want her to hear. Think of these like guideposts, not a script. What do you hope she understands by the end of the conversation?

    Keep one grounding phrase ready—something you can say if emotions get high or you lose your train of thought. It could be as simple as “This is hard for me to say, but it matters.”

    You could even jot these on a small card or note on your phone. Not to read from, but just to help you stay connected to your intention.

    It’s okay to be nervous. It just means this is real for you—and that’s what will come through the most.

    With care, Anita

    #447458
    Alecsee
    Participant

    We talked for like 6 hrs and stayed silent for the last hour because we were both tired and sleepy. I kind of wanted to give on last plea. Like say I wanna call you everyday from now on. Be there for you. But I didn’t because I didn’t wanna push it. I don’t know how she feels. 3 times I went and visited her when she was working like crazy and prioritized my own fun and enjoyment. I kept getting shot down while we were speaking

    I felt like she was opening up toward the end.or maybe she was giving me last goodbye. She said it could have worked but I wanted to hear from her mouth that it would have never worked out. And then I took that role. I said that because I wanted us to admit it.

    Idk if that messed it up. She was really cold and quiet. idk what that means. Wasn’t chatting too much but might have been just relaxing and playing her mobile game like she always does or reading stuff. If I have any regrets it’s not making a final plea to change and do better and maybe not say the relationship was always doomed to fail. She kind of ignored that

    #447459
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee: You tried your best to show up and be present, even while feeling unsure. It’s okay to have regrets—those feelings are part of caring deeply. Her quietness doesn’t mean it didn’t matter. Sometimes people shut down when things get heavy. You were there, and that counts. Be kind to yourself.

    With care, Anita

    #447461
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Ty

    Should I have explicitly have said it at the end? Should I wait to tell her? Should I wait for her to ask me or tell me? Or should I just let her go

    I just felt like I didn’t wanna get rejected in that moment but I should have gone all or nothing after 6 hrs of talking. Just didn’t want to get rejected there I guess even though she told me to go to the next relationship. But maybe she changed her mind idk. Long distance and we’ve seen each other now like less that 11 days from year to year. Who knows

    #447462
    Alecsee
    Participant

    She’s now with her mother at her hometown. Should I wait to tell her my confession after a few days? It was it meant to be there at the last conversation?

    #447463
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Or am I worrying about this too much and should just let it go? Maybe I should have said it at the moment at the end of the phone call so I am not thinking so much about it and thinking about if the timing is going to be wrong from this point Forward .

    But I also thought it was good not to push it because then that just means I want to get back with her and it might seem superficial I don’t know I’m so confused it should be easier than this correct?

    #447487
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    This is a long message, so thanks in advance for reading. I’ve spent some time revisiting our conversations—starting back in March 2019—and wanted to reflect on something I’ve noticed that feels important.

    In your post two days ago, you said:

    “I think after that I got kind of in a panic mode and I started making rash moves.”-

    That moment speaks to something I’ve seen across your stories: a deep fear of being left behind. This panic, this anxiety isn’t just about losing the relationship—it’s about losing emotional safety and self-worth tied to connection.

    You also said:

    “I always feel like I lose part of myself when I move on… and become a hollow shell of my empty self.”-

    That line suggests that relationships have become so tied to your sense of identity, that when they end, it doesn’t just feel like loss—it feels like disappearing, which is common in anxious attachment and unresolved abandonment wounds,

    Over the years, you’ve shared moments that reflect this same pattern:

    Feeling desperate to keep someone close, even when the relationship feels shaky.

    Struggling with overthinking and racing thoughts, especially after an argument or breakup.

    Jumping into new connections quickly, hoping to fill that emptiness.

    Blaming yourself when someone pulls away—and questioning what you did wrong.

    Sometimes this can be linked to what therapists call anxious preoccupied attachment style. It means wanting closeness badly, but fearing rejection or abandonment. You’ve said things like:

    “I haven’t been able to focus at work… I really don’t want our story to end.” “Since the breakup I’ve gone really hard to chase women…” “Honestly… it’s not a good and healthy relationship but I still want to be connected with her.”-

    That last one especially reminded me of something from childhood—how kids cling to caregivers even when they’re hurtful or distant. Not because the relationship with them is healthy, but because the fear of losing connection feels too heavy to bear. From my experience, even though my relationship with my mother was terrible (she was abusive), I desperately clung to her nonetheless.. because I was too scared to be completely alone.

    In your latest posts a couple of hours ago, you wrote:

    “Should I wait to tell her my confession after a few days? It was it meant to be there at the last conversation?…Or am I worrying about this too much and should just let it go? Maybe I should have said…”-

    That mental back-and-forth is part of what I’ve come to recognize in you. Thoughts spiraling back and forth between what you should’ve said, what you might still say, and how it might be received. That kind of overthinking usually shows up when there’s a lot of emotional pressure underneath and it can make it hard to hear your own needs clearly. And that’s not weakness—it’s just what happens when emotional stress gets too high.

    You’ve been carrying a lot. Anxiety, regret, heartbreak, and the hope that someone will choose you completely. But here’s something gentle to think about: maybe this isn’t about saying the perfect thing at the perfect time. Maybe it’s about giving yourself space. Soothing the part of you that feels panicked, uncertain, and scared to lose love again.

    This might not be about whether she chooses you. It might be about whether you’re ready to start choosing yourself.

    And for that kind of shift, therapy could help. Especially a therapist who understands fear of abandonment, anxious attachment, and how hard it can be to regulate emotions when you’ve been hurt. You deserve a place where you can talk honestly, feel safe, and start healing patterns that have been exhausting you for years.

    If you ever feel ready to explore where some of these patterns come from, I wonder what your early relationships looked like—how emotions were handled, how connection felt growing up. No pressure to answer, but sharing those memories can often bring clarity to the present.

    You’ve already done so much self-reflection. That’s a powerful step. You don’t need to carry this alone anymore.

    With care, Anita

    #447488
    anita
    Participant

    * correcting: “In your latest posts a couple of hours ago”- it was not a couple of hours ago, but about 14 hours ago 😊

    #447506
    Alecsee
    Participant

    I appreciate your reply

    I can maybe analyze myself in the future!

    She’s off to see her mother so I told her to have a safe flight. She just replied thanks.

    Then I told her to let me know when she got there and to tell her mom hi.

    Message was ignored or shes just concentrated on her mom

    Her dad passed away 2 months ago and we broke up 5 weeks ago. I kind of did the confession and ask her to go some of her travel and then I broke down and cried and asked her if she needs
    Someone she has me for her dad

    Okay, so I have 2 questions;

    1. Why do you think the past 2, serious, long distance relationships didn’t work out?

    2. I want you to self-reflect carefully, listen to your heart about this, but what exactly is that have been making you cry during this breakup?

    After sending many voice messages she says this

    well, okay, that took me like 2h to go through all of your voice messages while eating dinner and chilling with my mom & doggo…

    And I kinda got lost.
    Did you ever find your answer to Q2? If not it’s okay, cause it is a question that could take time – I’m asking you to think real hard about it.
    I guess from my side the intent of asking that was because I wonder if you kept crying out of disappointment – to you/the breakup/anything else, or being afraid of loosing something and if so what that is.

    What do I respond and is it appropriate to send this?

    #447507
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Mostly messing up with your love, compassion and care and not appreciating it and you as a person. m It’s something I’ve never been blessed with and I’ve done the absolute worst job and showing it back to you. That’s another reasonwhy I have only been vulnerable with you in person, because you’ve shown so much that you can give to someone that I just feel I can show my vulnerability to you and only you. Tbf I’ve might have cried on the phone here or there with a past partner but never in front of them.

    I know I’ve thrown a lot at you today but whenever/if you want to share, I’d like to know what kind of person your father was and how it was growing up with him, just more about him really if you’re up for it.

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