Hi there again everyone. I’m going to try to make this a little bit short and it’s not going to be completely edited correctly. But here goes, so my ex-girlfriend broke up with me and we’ve been doing long distance relationship for 1.5 years. I live in the states and she lives in Japan. I had a job where I had an opportunity to have one week off and one week on but it didn’t work out and I was devastated. But after about a half of the relationship in she would remark and say things like I think you should find someone that appreciates you more and can give you more affection. I think after that I got kind of in a panic mode and I started making rash moves. All in all we would see each other every 2 to 3 months sometimes even quicker and monthly. We kind of have our differences but lately the last 6 months we’ve only been trying to call each other once. She works in the film industry and it is very intense and requires a great deal of concentration and commitment. Like there are days where she just has to go home and work and that’s all she can do. It took me a while to understand this and even to the point where I would visit her during those intense times and she wouldn’t want me to go over. It was understandable. Because she lived in Japan and I had the desire to do things that were in those time frames I was selfish and I still did it. She gave me many opportunities but I also think that we might be different people. I understand that long distance for some people is way harder than for others and for me it just forms a stronger Bond. I could say that there’s a lot of red flags in the situation but for me it’s hard because I don’t want to say goodbye but I’m going to have to. Since we weren’t friends first then saying goodbye to romantic partner is just moving on for me. I don’t know if tomorrow will be the last day I will talk to her but she said that she wanted to talk that she finally had the space in her head and calmness to do so. I’ve been trying to rehearse how this conversation will go and even got super drunk on one day and almost made it to the conversation wouldn’t happen. Basically I work a chill 9:00 to 5:00 and so I understand that that in her eyes my life is super calm and stress free. Hers is not. She has given me three chances one time we got into a big fight over not being able to be intimate when I was visiting her and she wouldn’t do it three or four nights in a row because she wasn’t in the mood or she was tired. Which is understandable but I would want to know that like prior to us getting into bed together or something like that. Like if she said that when she came into the house like I’m so tired today I’m just going to knock out and I’m like okay that’s fine. But waiting until the very last second to the end of the night is not cool because then I feel disappointed. To be honest she has been the first woman that has rejecting me intimately. I still really care for I still love her but honestly I know I seem like very selfish. Even when her dad passed away I try to offer my condolences and trying my best to console her but all I could do was just be myself and just try to make her feel normal. There are so many things I feel like I could have done to maybe at least try to strain the relationship but I didn’t do it. I think that feeling regret sucks but I know that internally that maybe the relationship would have worked out but I always want to end things in good terms and when we both are done with it. I know that’s a hard relationship work it’s a two-party thing but it really sucks because I at least thought that maybe we could think work things out. Maybe I’m overly optimistic but I am definitely tired of me someone leaving a part of myself with them and moving on and becoming a hollow shelf of my empty self. Like I always feel like I lose part of myself when I move on. And I tried to visit while she was in the peak over work and I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told her and maybe I should have just done a visit and just not have told her but I didn’t do that I told her because I just have a big mouth I guess. It’s not just with her but many times when I’ve had clothes people had their family members passed away I have not been able to do much I tried to tell them I love them and that to remember the good memories and that the person in death wouldn’t want to see them suffer. But other than that I never did much more else for them not to my other ex not to my family members not to my good friend. And certainly I couldn’t do the same for my ex-girlfriend. It’s been about a month since since broke up with me. I was in Japan and I left her some roses and she liked them and thought that was a sweet gesture. Like you said it hit her sweet spot but I opened my big mouth and said for a moment I was thinking maybe I should knock your door but I didn’t and I left. When in reality that night I just wanted to drop the Roses off and go to bed but speaking to some other friends for advice they said I should try to go for it. Since I made the trip and everything but she was in her very rigorous schedule and even sometimes she says they don’t even have time to take a shower in the next day because it’s just shooting the film going to sleep for a couple hours and then shooting the film. I saw her light on so I maybe thought that she was awake. Idk. That’s the only reason that I thought maybe I should name her doorbell. But anyways I’m in a 7-day trip knowing that she probably didn’t want to see me and that’s what’s fine I did my gestures I gave her my gifts and I gave her my last letter. I can’t really think about being with someone else I try to get over her after a month. Is it weird that you want to be with someone and hold on to someone even though you know that that they might not be the person for you. I think that’s what we were doing with each other we were trying to hold on to each other and that’s why we couldn’t have a conversation on the phone but only through text because we thought that maybe someone would get upset with the other one and then it would escalate. I know relationships come and go but this one really hurts. Like I know I should have been there for more after her father’s death. There’s so much regret and I can’t go back in time and fix it. Even now I just wanted to pour all my soul into a conversation with her and basically have like a soliloquy of myself just telling her all my thoughts and feelings and organizing them and so basically like a speech a confession and closure for myself. But then I realized maybe I’m always been selfish in the relationship and I know that I messed up a lot because she gave me a lot of freedom and I took advantage of that. I also use pass long distance relationships to justify that I could do more stuff freely because the other person isn’t always there to monitor. It wasn’t bad stuff it was just going out more doing more stuff and traveling more. Honestly if you look at this objectively it’s not a good and healthy relationship but I still want to be connected with her. And since I only met her and became a romantic partner then the only way I could be connected with her is romantically. Which is why I have to move on and cut her for my life because I can’t just be her friend. I can be your friend I can try to be your friend but we weren’t friends to begin with. Every other person who I had loved has blocked me. They do it because I push into the limits and also because I think they know that’s the only way that they can move on and then I can move on. I really wish I had been here for her and gave her more calls and done all this stuff I can only express myself in gratitude during the final call. I also want to show her my true self and tell her all the stuff that I wanted to tell her. It seems like a really hard tail but if I do it tomorrow then it’s over for me and her. I don’t know why I kind of want to prolong it but I also just want to get it over with. I haven’t been able to focus at work and that will be a problem real soon. So I either do it tomorrow or Sunday morning. I really don’t want our story to end. Since the breakup I’ve gone really hard to go chase women and try to get her out of my head but I’ve been met with so much disappointment that like I’ve met so many potential matches and people that could be potential partners for me and nothing worked out and everything got cut off and everyone didn’t have patience and everyone just blew me off. Mind you, I also wasn’t super nice to some people. And it’s really hard to approach women if it’s not your style.

I used to have an ex where I feel like she experienced all these things with me and now karma is saying hey it’s your turn. I really feel like that. But I also feel that I made the same mistake that in the past where I could have avoided things by keeping trips I made to myself. For example in 2015, with the first ex I speak of, I was caught while we were on a break with another woman and I told her I was going to a different city. We weren’t together at the time but still that was a lie to her face and it was with the girl that she thought I had cheated on her with. Or she thought that I still had feelings. for that girl. What I should have done is just gone to that girl first and then visited my ex-girlfriend but I didn’t think clearly. 10 years later I’m in the same boat I didn’t know how my current ex was going to react but she already got mad and upset with me visiting during one of her kind of peak work periods. I don’t know why I’ve been so stubborn and not listening but it’s not really like me to do that. Maybe I’m justifying the trade off with her personality as being very rash as to me thinking of having more freedom. I love her and I care for her deeply and I still want to be with her I still have hope that they can work out maybe I’m just being foolish but even to this day I have the hope. I don’t know when I should make the call and I still have the Hope even when they call that we can mend it out and we can continue. But she said that she needs physical touch needs someone to be physically there when she needs them. She needs someone to humble her to ground her to guide her. I guess just be more mature than her. And obviously I’m not that mature. Even after 11 years of relationships. And she just want someone close to her. Because I failed with the job I can’t do that person it seems like. When I couldn’t get the job of one week on and one week off so I can visit her frequently I was so devastated and she didn’t know why I couldn’t get over it. It was because I knew this moment would come eventually people get tired of long distance and I’m okay with it but at this point she taught me to invest in my future in my future right now is my job and getting some sort of investment for life. She tell me a lot I’m just so damn sad. Because she told me that there was one time where she thought that we can grow old together because she saw my rugged face driving in a nice guy after she had woken up From a nap. And she has done what I need in a person is being loyal, giving me freedom and sexually satisfying me. Like if I had sex for the rest of my life I would be okay and content with it. Put out personalities don’t mess that’s the truth and sometimes people finish relationships sooner than expected maybe we still had a chance to grow and maybe change things but she has decided that it’s no more. Is there any way I can convince you otherwise I mean I still want to continue. Should I make a call tomorrow or Sunday either way, after this it’s over. I’m just so sad. I don’t want to interact with any other girl