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Going in circles

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  • #109442
    Janine
    Participant

    Two years ago I met someone and ever since we have been going around in circles with each other. I feel like I really suck because I live my life in patterns. Basically he is the only person in my life to not leave me, but there are a lot of things about the relationship I do not like.

    When we are alone, he’s a sweetheart. We cook together, cuddle, watch movies, drink tea, and all sorts of lovely stuff. We get along well and he seems to know what I’m thinking and feeling. We could spend every second with each other.

    However, I don’t think that is the life he wants. He says he is happy just being around me and that it’s enough, but his actions make this confusing.. There are two extremes: We spend all of our time together OR he goes off partying and ignores me. I don’t really understand why this is. Sometimes I go out with him and his friends and he gets so focused on smoking pot that he will completely abandon me. On the 4th of July we were together in Ocean Beach for the day (a popular place for drinking and smoking weed, as well as other things) and while we were walking down the street, he just walked away from me because he saw someone with a joint. I don’t like weed too much, so maybe I just don’t get it.. But in that moment I thought, “I really wish I could be with someone who doesn’t just walk away from me like that”. He also does not know how to keep plans. When we first started dating, he would show up hours late, high or drunk. That was two years ago and that’s where we’re at again. Yesterday we had plans for me to head to his house at 4, and at 4:15 I texted him to let him know I was on the way, and he was already in someone else’s car, smoking pot. When he got home, he told me that he doesn’t even like smoking and that he wants to stop, but his friends pressure him, or he needs it for anxiety, sleep, headaches, ect. I have heard this line many times. Another thing is that he has a very high sex drive, and I have quite a few personal obstacles when it comes to sex. I do sexual things with him anyway, but it is emotionally straining at times. I have certain values when it comes to sex, and he does not. In the times we were apart from each other, he had unprotected sex with pretty much every female in his life. This is a turn off to me, it makes me feel cold and queasy to think about it. All of these things lead me to be passive aggressive with him at times, but for some reason I can’t pull myself away from him. I have tried to cut off contact with him multiple times, but we always end up together again.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Janine.
    #109445
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janine:

    In your “afraid of me” thread you wrote: “I go in circles about this being all my fault and thinking that I will always be evil and unlovable.”- so there is the going-in-circles theme.

    You turned 18 a short while ago. I wish you worked real hard on healing. If you did, in five years you’d be in a good place and you will only be 23. I wish you worked on your childhood abuse (starting with believing it was abuse!), healing from the shame, a result of being mistreated as a child.

    And as you heal, you will gain a sense of pride, pride in your healing work. You will realize you are a good, worthy, lovable person (have been from the beginning)who deserves respect, from this guy and from any other person, from yourself.

    anita

    #109448
    Janine
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think about healing a lot. I feel very stuck, though. My parents took away my therapist as well as financial support, they will not support me unless I go to college. I am working on that now. I just have no idea about what to do, because if healing is the first step, there are steps I need to take before so I can take that step.. Does that make sense?

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Janine.
    #109461
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Janine,

    With this guy there is a maturity issue. He’s not a bad person, it’s just he literally doesn’t know he’s doing these horrible things! The pot smoking and the friends that go with it just compounds it and makes everything worse.

    1. Ditching you
    2. Not respecting your time… or time itself
    3. Putting you or a future partner in danger by having had unprotected sex

    I would tell him you’re taking a break. Then YOU go literally away from it all. A road trip where you’re away from him and everyone. Where you are alone for once with your own thoughts.

    Good Luck!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #109464
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janine:

    Your parents being able to afford a (competent) therapist for you, knowing you need one and not providing you with a therapist is cruel, considering they were the ones who caused you to be in need of therapy!

    You have two options as I see it: accept their financial non support and make it on your own. Somehow, survive and thrive without them, no contact with them, not now, not ever. You can get no-cost therapy to start with- there are such resources out there. You can decide that you are going to make it without them. Now and onward.

    If they will pay for a competent therapist for you IF you go to college, the other option is to apply and attend a college and therapy. This option could maybe be okay if your contact with your parents is not harming you so much that the therapy will be useless.

    What do you think of the two options, and is there any other option?

    anita

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