April 12, 2020 at 5:49 am #348972
I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 months, and we have been there for each other through thick and thin. Even when we were friends for years, he’s been there for me. We both love each other so much, but I have been dealing with severe mental illnesses my whole life, and it had been affecting our relationship.
When I hit my lowest point, he was there for me. He was always there for me no matter what I was going through. I failed to realize that I was hurting him. I hurt him so much I was causing pain to my loved ones without even realizing it. Beginning of March, I got really bad and we started fighting every week or so. It was exhausting and I always thought he was the one hurting me but the reality was, we were both hurting each other. Him not knowing how to take care of me when my anxiety and depression got bad, and me saying and doing hurtful things to him such as blocking him and overreacting to what he was saying. Yesterday I told him, “I’m hurting you so much, I love you so much but do you think a break up would benefit us?”
He said yes.
He said no matter what he’ll never leave me, even if we aren’t together anymore he’s here to support me and listen to me when things get bad. We ended on good terms, we are still friends but not together.
It hurts so much because I woke up this morning thinking it was all a dream. But it wasn’t.
This breakup has open my eyes and taught me that my self-recovery is more important than anything else, my self-destructive behaviour wasn’t only affecting me, but everyone around me.
I want to learn how to finally love myself. After all these years of being hurt and hurting others including myself, I’m done. I have two options, either I don’t try and things are the same, or I try and things could be different. I want to cultivate good habits and have a healthy mindset. I want to be the best person I can be, because the truth is, I’m sick of my mental illnesses taking away every good thing in my life and hurting me. I’m sick! I need treatment and recovery.
As for this breakup, I know if my mindset has changed, I’ll be able to get into a healthy relationship. But this isn’t my main concern at the moment, even though I love him so much and I always believed he is my soulmate, I need to focus on myself first so I can find peace within myself. Please help.April 12, 2020 at 7:19 am #348982
You shared Jan 11 and Feb 5 this year, that you (at 17) have “already been through a lot, growing up I’ve experienced a lot of pain and misery”, that you have “suffered from disassociation and identity issues”, and that you are “constantly battling your thoughts”, and you repeatedly fall into depression episodes that are getting progressively worse.
Today you shared that you’ve had a very supportive male friend for years before he became your boyfriend since about October 2019, but because of the “severe mental illnesses my whole life”, you hurt him, he then hurt you back, and yesterday, the two of you broke up, and now he is back to being your supportive friend. You asked for help, learning “how to finally love myself… to cultivate good habits”.
My input: you can find answers on how to love yourself in many online websites, including on the home page of this website, such as to-do lists: daily aerobic exercise, guided meditations, etc. But to find a personalized answer, it has to fit your personal story.
If you want to share your story, what is in the pain and misery that you experienced (“growing up I’ve experienced a lot of pain and misery”), please do, and I will reply further to you.
anitaApril 12, 2020 at 9:46 am #348992
The pain and misery that I’ve experienced is due to past trauma and unknown mental illness. I have experienced depression since I was in the 7th grade (now I am a senior in grade 12), and it has only gotten worse throughout the years.
My parents had high expectations of me, they expected me to excel in studies. Although I love learning, it became difficult for me to study which resulted in me failing some courses in high school. But now I am in a program where there is much more support for me and my studies.
But all throughout high school my anxiety and depression was very severe, I have had suicidal tendencies and self-destructive behaviour. And what baffles me is that despite being suicidal and hard on myself, my boyfriend stayed through all that, he was always by my side and never made me feel alone. He tried his best to support me and I will always be grateful for that.
I deal with a lot of self hate because I think I am not worthy of anything. I think that I do not deserve to be happy. Some days, I wonder why I should even try to be happy because in the end I will experience pain again. Because happiness does not last forever.
But I realized that when I put effort into bettering myself, I experienced something I hadn’t experienced before and that was happiness and love. I fell in love and experienced pure joy for the first time in forever. I remember the good days I spent with my lover and I cherish those memories. Because he taught me to love myself, he taught me to be bold. He taught me a lot of things and I will forever be grateful for that.
But in December, everything went downhill. My negative thoughts came back and I was hurting myself and very suicidal. I had to go to the ER and I was very upset and hurt. There was a lot going on in my life, but I had hope.
Sometimes I think to myself why should I even try, but I realize that I just want to feel happy one more time before I die. I want to be able to live the best life I can. I want to try. I have a lot of hope now. I just want to be able to feel alive again.
Sorry if this didn’t make sense, I had a lot of trouble writing this out and I just wanted to share my experience with you. I just wrote whatever was on my mind.
The main problems I have are my depression and anxiety causing me to think negatively which affects my mood.
In my relationship, I experienced a lot of anxiety thinking that my partner did not love me (which he does) and that he did not care about me. There were a lot of irrational thoughts.April 12, 2020 at 10:38 am #349000
In my experience, babies are not born to be depressed. Things happened in your earlier life, and those experiences led to your anxiety and depression.
You wrote about your boyfriend: “he taught me to love myself, he taught me to be bold. He taught me a lot of things and I will forever be grateful for that”-
– your boyfriend taught you to love yourself and to be bold. This means that it is possible for you to learn to love yourself and to be bold.
Why didn’t your parents teach you these things, and what is it that they taught you?
anitaApril 12, 2020 at 1:07 pm #349026
I’m not sure why my parents never taught me this. I guess in our culture we were only taught to be kind to others and focus on studies to get a good job in the future. We were never taught anything else so I think that is why my parents didn’t think it was important for them.April 12, 2020 at 1:47 pm #349036
A child naturally loves her parent/s, smiles at the parent, needing desperately to be loved. When the parent does not express love back to the child, it creates a hole in the child’s heart. In other words, a parent who doesn’t express love back to her child, breaks her child’s heart.
Fast forward, the child grows up and has a boyfriend who expresses love for her, but it doesn’t fix that hole in the heart, it doesn’t fix that broken heart.
Is what I wrote here meaningful to you, or does it feel irrelevant to you?
anitaApril 12, 2020 at 1:51 pm #349038
In some way yes that does apply to me. But I think the love my parents showed me was in a different way, not through words but through actions. I think my father has a difficult time expressing his love for his children, so I think that may have caused the hole in my heart.April 12, 2020 at 2:29 pm #349046
What you referred to earlier as “past trauma and unknown mental illness”, I think of it as a hole in the heart, or a broken heart of a child.
Again, only if you want to, only if you are comfortable doing so, what is that “past trauma” you were referring to?
And what is it about your father that “may have caused the hole in (your) heart”?
(I will be away from the computer for an hour or so).
anitaApril 12, 2020 at 2:34 pm #349050
I am a very sensitive person so a minor thing may be traumatic for me. Back in middle school I got bullied and lost all my self confidence. I was always a people pleaser, I did not care about myself instead I would try my best to help others as I’m a person that cares a lot. That to me is traumatic, the bullying and the horrible memories I had. I think that may have worsened my social anxiety and anxiety in general. I always assume people hate me, and I am not worthy of love.
As for my father, I love him so much and I know he loves me too. But he would always expect so much from me, all he wanted was for me to excel in my studies and unfortunately, I could not. I disappointed him. I tried so hard to make him proud but I feel like I never can.. that left a hole in my heart.
And take as long as you’d like, you can reply whenever 🙂April 12, 2020 at 2:50 pm #349056
“I am a very sensitive person”- in my experience all young children are very sensitive, and what looks like a “minor thing” for an adult, looks huge to a child. So when your father expressed that he was disappointed of you, that was a huge thing for you.
I wonder, what felt worse for you: your father being disappointed of you or the bullying in middle school?
(I will now go for my walk, be back in about an hour).
anitaApril 12, 2020 at 2:59 pm #349058
I think both of those heavily impacted my self-esteem and self-confidence. My depression stemmed from the high expectations of my father, and the anxiety rose from the bullying. As a result, I am very insecure and question everything and everyone around me.April 12, 2020 at 5:14 pm #349072
Here is a personal suggestion to you: instead of thinking of yourself as someone with “severe mental illnesses my whole life”, think of yourself as a girl with a broken heart, a girl that was hurt because her father, whom she loves so much, is disappointed of her, and because children in school bullied her.
If you think of yourself as having “severe mental illnesses” that’s.. not true: you were not born with mental illnesses. You were born fine, like any other baby, and then you got hurt, and that hurt created a hole in your heart (your words).
Think of yourself as hurt, not as mentally ill. Then address this hurt with empathy and kindness for yourself. And post here anytime.