Home→Forums→Tough Times→GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH
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May 30, 2019 at 6:23 pm #296521
NicholeParticipantI actually feel a little better.
Still kind of debilitating.
I’m just in shock of what I went through with my aunt, she texted me a little while ago and I went numb. And then triggered trauma. I don’t know if you understand that but this woman did something bad to me psychologically.
Not sure how how I will get through this all
May 30, 2019 at 6:32 pm #296523
AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I do understand a “woman did something bad to me psychologically”, my mother did. It cost me decades of life. I hope you waste less time than I did. So you suffer for what she did to you, don’t fight the feelings, let them be- it is the best you can do.
anita
May 30, 2019 at 7:08 pm #296527NicholeParticipantThat is so scary! Why do I suffer for what she did, so not fair.
May 31, 2019 at 5:33 am #296551AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Lots of what people do is not fair, lots of what happens to people is not fair. All you can do as the one person that you are is see to it that you are fair to others and that when you have a choice on the matter, that you do not accept or invite people into your life who are unfair to you.
How are you feeling today?
anita
May 31, 2019 at 5:55 am #296557NicholeParticipantVery disconnected.
very doubtful and lost.
very sad and going on 5 days no sleep.
why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people. I can’t believe I am this way right now I was on such a role. I am tired and just want to sleep!
May 31, 2019 at 7:04 am #296571AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
It just occurred to me that … maybe without knowing it you are throwing a kind of a temper tantrum, like a child: it is not fair! it is not fair! you keep screaming! I will sit here and cry and cry and yell and suffer until they make it up to me! Sort of.. I will suffer until my family notices and feels bad for what they did and come and get me and take me home where it is safe and nice and comfortable and be good to me.
I think this may be what is happening …
Nichole, no one is coming to get you and take you home, there is no home, the home you always wished for. You will have it someday, you will see, but there is none now. Not outside where you are right now, the very room you are in, alone. This is your home for now. Make the best of it. Maybe get an over the counter medication just for today so that you can sleep?
anita
May 31, 2019 at 11:56 pm #296701NicholeParticipantI tried the over the counter but that didn’t work. I actually came to the er because It was going on 6 days no sleep and I was scared. Prescribed me Xanax and said to start Zoloft. They say I need it with so much stress in my life at this time. I think I’m going to start. But I’m scared
June 1, 2019 at 7:51 am #296727AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I think Zoloft may work for you. It made me feel so much better when I started taking it in .. 1996, a long time ago (no longer do). At the time it felt like a pair of scissors that cut off every scary or troubling thought I had. A thought started and before I knew it- the thought was gone!
Xanax is a heavy duty tranquilizer of the same family as the Klonipin I took , it will relax you completely but it is also very addictive. Responsible and ethical doctors will prescribe it only for the short term, in most cases if not in all.
I thought about you last night/ this morning. I was troubled by the thought of how much you are suffering. I suffered like you myself, feeling all alone, desperate for someone to help me, feeling like I was on the ground, hoping someone will give me their hand and pick me up, take me somewhere safe.
In a few moments I want to re-read many of your posts and come back to write to you my thoughts about what you’ve been going through. It may not help you, but maybe the thought that someone out there cares how you feel, that by itself may help.
anita
June 1, 2019 at 10:09 am #296739AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
In this first post I will take you through memory lane by quoting what you wrote over time (nothing regarding the ex boyfriend, all about family). In the second post I will tell you what I learned from these quotes:
August 2018: ” I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse… I keep having the same problem with my sister in law and it is driving me crazy. She has been around for 10 years and I am so over taking her condescending attitude.. She hardly says thank you and nothing is ever good enough.. Last time I went to visit I exploded on her.. She really doesn’t act like she cares about me at all. But yet calls and asks for things when she needs them.
Sept: “She (mother) became addicted to drugs when I was a child.. she continued doing drugs until I was aged 14 .. I have always carried resentment from her years of addiction which was neglectful to me.. After sobering up she met a man and that became her life. I always felt that drugs came first than a man came first.. I lived with her until I was 26. Then I moved to Florida… I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life.. I should have done more. I shouldn’t have been so resentful.. I am so heart broken and so ashamed of myself. I am carrying so much blame and guilt and I don’t know what to do.. I should have been by her side everyday.. I wasn’t there for her and I feel so wrong and selfish for that.
Oct: “I feel so alone even though I do have family.
Nov: “I am living with my brother in my moms apartment. Our father also lives with us who was never really in our lives. He is recently clean from drugs almost 2 years for the first time in my life…I have suffered from 2 parents with addiction, being poor growing up, neglect, sexual abuse from my older brother from 5 years old to 13 years old.. I do not want to live in a tiny apartment with my brother, father and niece but they now need me financially. I hate that it is winter, I think it has heightened the depression. I miss Florida but all of my family is here…I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own.
Dec: “I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life.. at this point in my life I am very distant with him (older brother) as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiance for the last 9 years.. I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me.. I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother.. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family, took care of my mom.. Consumed with how my brother needs me, how he is making bad decisions in life.. I want on my own with my family behind me. I want us all to better ourselves… My brother is in a new relationship and I seen him acting very co dependently so I of course became consumed and offered unwanted advice. He was bringing her and her kids over every weekend and I felt it was disrespectful to my father and I as we are also roommates in this apartment.. I am planning to move to my aunts house on the first. I am scared to make this move.. I also am afraid that my aunt is so highly codependent and judgmental and I fear she will rub off on me as she sometimes does. I can afford to live on my own with my 5000 saved but I want to continue to save so I can put down on an investment so I can start securing myself.
Jan 2019: “I made the move to my Aunt’s house on new years eve.. Now that I am here at my aunts I feel very lonely.. I was up all night with anxiety and fear of life. I don’t know where I am heading. I feel so lonely in life. .I wanted some independence and more space at my aunts house but now I am lonely.. my anxiety and fear that appears almost every other day comes from. I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear.. I have been so lonely.. I have had high anxiety for about 2 weeks ..Last week a relentless bout of anxiety has overcome me. I fear I have made the wrong decision moving in with my aunt. My gut was telling me that but I over ruled my mind by thinking I could handle the situation. She is completely codependent and is driving me crazy… She calls me in the morning on her way to work, on her lunch, when she gets off work and text throughout the day. She is a little passive aggressive and controlling. ..I believe this is the cause for this recent bout of severe anxiety causing me no sleep for 3 nights. I fear I am alone in the world.. I feel like I have been used my whole life.. I am thinking of renting an Airbnb for a couple of days.. I don’t want to leave my aunts so soon because I would like to save and invest…
Feb: “Here I am again stressed and doubtful. I have been sad and I have been numb.. I have people to turn to at times but it seems like conditional love.. I am having a bad day Anita. Bad bad day.. Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of moods.. The up and downs are draining.. That is so scary.. I have yet to feel comfortable anywhere since being back here.. Last night was so terrible for me. I would have to say it was the worst depression I have been in for a while. I am trying to get through the day today but feel so drained from this anxiety and fear that I know I must live with but it is so relentless lately. I now know that moving with my aunt was a terrible decision. I hate it now. I just want to be alone but am so afraid of that as well.. I am so confused and in so much pain. It hurts.. I have another Aunt who is very sickly and was rushed to the ER for a serious situation.. I am also leaving to Arizona to visit my brother. (yes the one who molested me as a child and the one whose wife I dislike intensely) So I am so very nervous about this. I wonder why I made the decision to go. I think I did because at the time my other brother convinced me it would be a good idea.. I am concerned for this trip as well. As it has crept up I feel very nervous about it. I feel like calling it off honestly but I spent 450 on tickets that I do not wish to waste. What can I do to ensure this doesn’t become a disaster? ..I arrived last night. So far so good.. I got a hotel last night. Good idea but bad night. First off room was dirty upon entering. Had to wait one hour for house cleaning. Then I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this.. I continue to feel that family is all I’ve ever known. I don’t know where to begin a life without them and especially without my ex. I am truly alone.. This trip turned out so different than what I expected. I am so disgusted by my brother who I am closest with and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me. It’s as if he has a grudge against me but won’t communicate in a healthy way.. I have to fly home with these people. I’m so hurt. I don’t know how much more hurt I can take.. I in return canceled Grand Canyon and went to hotel and haven’t spoke to him since.. Was thinking of escaping to airport early ..We had lunch and went to airport together. Hardly spoke but were together.. I have always been taught family is everything and although family has betrayed me I still believe family is important.. Struggling with living with my aunt still.. toughing it out here with my Aunt is getting rough.. So AirBNB tonight. I think if I see her tonight it will not be good so I am thinking of getting away tonight.. I’m in an Air BnB right now in a shared house. It’s oddly not that bad but I’m so exhausted from running around. Wish I had stability and comfort
March: “I am lonely.. I have not spoken much at all to my older brother and wife. He confronted me and I had a very assertive talk with him on how I believe he is controlling and manipulating. It was deep and so hard but I did it. They have been distant since. My other brother has been absorbed by his girlfriend and we haven’t spoken. I still pick up my niece and take her out and have seen him in passing and he is very aggressive and mean.
April: “What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was. So much pain there. But so much pain here too. I still feel like I need family but honestly don’t believe I can do another year in the cold May Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative.. I am afraid to leave my aunts to this shared house for many reasons, it’s more expensive, I will be with 4 women and what if they start with the passive aggression. I don’t want to make another mistake.. If I move from my Aunt, she was my final support in family… I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner…my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough.. My aunt smeared me to my entire family.. I feel like my family killed that little girl these last few days. I feel worthless this morning.. I have no one.. I’m isolated from family. Left my second job. Have spent tons on hotels by getting away ..I will always long for my family, I love them. .I am so hurt by my family.. For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month.. How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness. I had bad anxiety but I was finding happiness in my days. I want that back in my life.. my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness.. All of my things in a storage in Chicago.. Should I reach out to other family member and tell them what’s going on? I feel so isolated.. I also think some of my cousins may listen to me? ..very sad and going on 5 days no sleep.”
anita
June 1, 2019 at 10:58 am #296747AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
What I learned from the above:
1. You keep forgetting- you keep having bad experiences with your family and later you forget that you did. Your nostalgia is strong; you suffer when you are with your family and then you forget that you suffered and you miss them. Missing them you reconnect and suffer yet again, then get away and miss them again and repeat.
Again and again, and yet again, you feel alone and lonely while spending time and living with your family, when you were a child and ever since.
2. Living with your mother who put drugs and then a man ahead of you, neglecting you, you built up a lot of anger, understandably. You tried to please her and take care of her, tried hard to become her priority, so that she will take care of you and that never happened. You gave and gave and never got the return: never got to be her child and be taken care of. On one hand you feel lots of empathy for her but you are also very angry at her and have been for a long time.
Your anger extends to the rest of your family members to whom you gave and gave, tried hard to please and yet again, failed to get the return that you need, to finally be someone’s priority and be taken care of.
3. It is impossible for you to currently or at anytime in the future to have healthy relationships with your surviving, adult family members because you are too angry and your anger gets reactivated. And because your family members have their serious issues. It would take you and your family members to attend family therapy for a few years, where all parties are motivated to effectively communicate and resolve long term conflicts. It will a quality therapist to make it happen. It will take a lot of money to finance such family therapy and it will take all parties working hard. Without family setting, healthy relationships with them is impossible.
4. You are too angry to have a healthy relationship with anyone, even with a healthy person if you come across one. This anger is understandable, born in years of neglect, 26 years of taking care of your mother and receiving nothing much in return. This anger needs to be attended in therapy for you to have a heathy relationship with a future non-family person.
5. You misunderstand your own anger, feeling shame and guilt for it. If you proceed with healing, you will need to no longer condemn yourself for feeling anger. You will understand that any child in your place, any child spending 26 years trying and trying…, will feel intense anger.
6. This anger as well as the fear of that alone child, the shame and guilt about your anger, your self condemnation when you do lash out, these cause those extreme up and downs, this emotional instability.
7. I think that SSRIs, perhaps the Zoloft that you were prescribed, is probably a good idea at this point. Maybe add a mood stabilizer such as Seroquel or Risperdal in small dosages (I am not a psychiatrist, my input is based on having been prescribed those myself). It may help you in those ups and downs and the overwhelming anxiety.
8. As is, moving away from your family, no longer reaching out to them is a good idea. Focus on your much needed healing- away from your family. Perhaps start with those psychiatric medications and proceed in quality individual therapy.
9. Your plan to live with your family so to save money has proven to not be a good plan, not at all. Better abandon this plan, not only for the above reasons, but also because financially it is not working for you. You end up spending time on rentals and losing so much sleep that your ability to work and earn money is compromised.
10. Back to your anger (understandable how it came about and persisted for so long), here are a few quotes from above indicating it: “I have always carried resentment from her years of addiction which was neglectful to me.. I always felt that drugs came first than a man came first… I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life… I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life… I felt it was disrespectful… I feel like I have been used my whole life… Family has betrayed me”-
– you often mention your fear and hurt but not your anger because you feel guilty about your anger and you feel shame about some of your angry behaviors. But your anger is intense, understandably so, and has to be attended to.
anita
June 2, 2019 at 4:54 pm #297087NicholeParticipantIt’s interesting you say that because I seen an older therapist that the lady I’m living with recommended to and she told me she feels my anger. You are very right about me missing my family and being nostalgic. I do miss them. I miss having love. I feel so empty right now. I know they don’t know how to love me right but I miss having that. I miss my niece and my brother and even my aunt. Who I thought she was. I am so lonely. I miss having love in my life. I think my sleep deprivation is making me feel numb and empty though. Not sure. I have been depressed today. Did not ask the Zoloft, chickened our but thinking about it tonight.
How do you deal deal with anger?
June 2, 2019 at 5:13 pm #297091AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
How to deal with anger? Don’t go back to the people who hurt you, for one. You miss them all, so let’s say you reconnect, next thing that happens is you get hurt again and angry … when you keep looking for love in people who failed you repeatedly, you will get angry repeatedly.
Be selective regarding who you interact with.
Then be assertive, not passive and not aggressive. It takes learning and practice to be assertive and there are books and online sources on assertiveness training, I am sure.
The more you feel that you have power over your life, the less you feel helpless and dependent on others, the less angry you will be.
Did you read all of my second post of yesterday, #1- #10, attentively ?
anita
June 2, 2019 at 5:26 pm #297097NicholeParticipantI did read 1-10 and I agree with you. You have a gift of putting everything in perspective.
And I know I get angered and hurt at times but I miss family. What is life without family? What is life without love? I know we shouldn’t depend on people for our happiness but don’t we all need love and support and community? My life feels pointless without that love I once felt.
I feel numb and low empathy. 6 days with maybe a few hours of sleep, is this normal? I know I’m depressed. I know I’ve been fighting it like crazy which I’m proud. My mind wanted to lay in bed all day for the past week but I get up everyday and fight it. Get ready, look good and do something for myself but still don’t feel good about myself. Feel empty and longing for my family. I am so isolated. I feel like I should just communicate with my brothers and tell them how I feel and what I expect?
June 2, 2019 at 5:37 pm #297103AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
“What is life without family?”- not so good for you at the moment but if you read my first post from yesterday, if you read your own words month after month, you can see that life with your family wasn’t good either ! As a matter of fact, it was miserable- it was miserable when you lived with your father and brother in the apartment, when you lived with your aunt… (and before Florida, it was miserable as well).
“I feel like I should just communicate with my brothers and tell them how I feel and what I expect?”-
– What will you tell them about how you feel and what you expect?
anita
June 2, 2019 at 5:46 pm #297107NicholeParticipantYou are so right but there are good times and good things about these people. I only say this because I have been meeting so many new people and been to many new places in my single life and honestly, people aren’t that great. My brothers aren’t that great but have done good things and are at least entertaining when we are in good terms. They have bad ways about them but are not horrible people. I may only be saying this because I am so empty right now that I am desperately seeking something. I need sleep Anita! I have been forgetting things and feeling numb and then depressed and then empty. I know it’s not normal. You cannot really take my response as myself right now. I don’t feel the self love I had last week the self love I had to leave my aunts house, the self love to deal with the shame and depression and sadness alone, I’m on the verge of reaching out to someone. I need some love in my life. I feel that I don’t deserve this empty feeling. I am too good of a person to be alone and depressed!
Will I feel again? I am so numb today!
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