Dear Nichole:

Yes, you will feel again. Why not fill in that Zoloft prescription, you will not get hooked on it if you try it for a few days, a week or two, and if I remember correctly it is only 25 mg that was prescribed (way less than the 400 mg I was on per day!), clearly you are not numb enough to stop longing for the same people who brought you misery.

The Zoloft may numb your longing! And then maybe you can sleep better, once you stop longing for them.

(You wrote that you want to reach out to your two brothers, remember the time you spent with the two of them in Arizona and how miserable that was? Why have more of that…)

anita

Dear Nichole:

Well, the women are in your brothers’ lives so you can’t get them individually, and I don’t know if that would be a good idea either.

This too shall pass, what you are experiencing now, you will feel good again. Give up the longing, aim at it, to no longer long for those who have hurt you. Do you have a stuffed animal or the like, that you can hold as you lie in bed trying to sleep?

anita

Dear Nichole:

This is what you wrote regarding your two brothers yesterday: “I miss the individual relationships with my brothers. It’s when their women are involved that I have problems with them for the most part”.

This is what you wrote Dec 7 last year about one of your two brothers, the older one: “I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through… I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life. I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years.. I am so fed up with abuse”.

Let’s go back to what you wrote yesterday: “I miss the individual relationships with my brothers. It’s when their women are involved that I have problems with them for the most part”.

Now, my point: when your older brother sexually abused you when you were a little girl of 5 years old, his current fiancé (or wife, I don’t know) was not at all in his life when you were 5 (“It’s when their women are involved that I have problems with them”).

When you wrote what you wrote yesterday, it is as if eight years of sexual abuse did not happen!

You missed your older brother yesterday, you tried to please him for the last nine years or more. See the problem here?

You wrote yesterday regarding all your family members, including your older brother: “I am longing for them. I guess the feel I have is empty and longing for anything because I don’t know what I want anymore”- longing for anything, anyone, longing for a man who sexually abused a child for 8 years, never acknowledged it. A child who happens to be … you!

Nichole, you have to stop this longing, you have to! I mean, invite reality into your brain and hold that reality in. The nostalgia regarding your older brother is extreme and regarding the rest of your family members, your nostalgia (make believe thoughts) are almost as extreme.

Regarding your older brother, he now has a daughter, a little girl, no? I know you are the God Mother of one of his child. What if he sexually abuses her too?

If you google “child protective services” you will get a website, in it there is this part (I am putting spaces in between letters,but don’t type those spaces):  h t t p s: / / a m e r I c a n s p c c. o r g/ n e e d- h e l p, and there is a Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline dedicated, so it reads, to the prevention of child abuse, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors, 1 8 0 0 – 4 – A- CHILD.

Because your older brother sexually abused you for eight years, starting at the tender age of five, and because you did not mention that he ever acknowledged it, never went to therapy for it… he may not even think it is a problem, that he abused you. Therefore, he may be abusing his own little girl.

You wrote yesterday: “the feel I have is empty and longing for anything because I don’t know what I want anymore”- how about replacing nostalgia and make believe with reality, and then doing something to protect your god child and report a suspicion of child abuse of another little girl?

Take this time in your life, this in-between time and finally, at 30 or 31 (it is not too late!)- turn away from abuse.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I am by your side. I am a real person here behind these typed words.

Listen, Nichole- it is time for a change of attitude on your end. You can’t stay in this weak, dependent child state of mind and you don’t have to!

You have to make a commitment today, to be the capable adult that you can be.

In reality, you can’t be a child because you are not.  You cannot shrink and be a baby and then a fetus and implant yourself into some woman’s womb, but this time, a woman capable of being a good mother… and this time grow up in a good, stable, loving home-

– IT CAN NOT BE DONE.

Here you are, a woman, past 30 years old, let go of your family members, they were not and will not be who you want them to be. Give up  on them, let them go. You- you be on your side, be the capable, strong adult you can be.

I had a terrible childhood myself and like you I remained a weak child wanting to redo my childhood, wanting to be rescued, insisted that someone will rescue me. No  one did. I wasted lots of years in this impossible, degrading efforts. Don’t do any more of this.

Be who you can be, today!

anita

Dear Nichole:

I’ve been away from the computer, what man, you mean your ex boyfriend, the man who is totally blind, you want him to save you?

anita

Dear Nichole:

Well, you wrote in the post before last: “I do miss my family. I miss having someone to go to. I do want to be hugged and loved in this moment. Is that so  bad?”-

– no it is not bad at all, except that… well, where is that family that you miss, I mean, I am not stopping you from being hugged and loved by your family, am I..?

“Any man I guess. I’m lonely”- well, I did mention my “degrading efforts” in my last post to you, didn’t I? If you want to add to your anxiety, depression and sleep depravation more anxiety, more depression plus an STD to worry about during sleepless nights, I suppose you can.

anita

Dear Nichole:

I will be away from the computer for a few hours. I didn’t read your recent post but I see the question at the end, if you should reach out to your cousins- I don’t think so, better you attend a coda support group, not online, but one that meets in person, see if there is one this evening, in your area.

I will be back in a few hours.

anita