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Guilty and confused.

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  • October 31, 2018 at 4:12 pm #234867
    Julian
    Participant

    My parents and I have a complex relationship. Over the past year or so, I’ve had a major shift in my religious beliefs. They are Mormon, and I still live with them as I am not yet a legal adult. When they found out about the shift in my beliefs, they were upset. We didn’t really fight, more like had one sided conversations in which they told me what I was going to do to “get my faith back”. They severely restricted many aspects of my life. Now, we don’t talk about it at all. I go along with their wishes, since they are “house rules”, and my parents skirt around any inkling of the issue. I can’t tell if they know that I plan to stop attending Mormon services once I’m out of the house and just ignore it or if they are in denial.

    The whole ordeal caused me – and my parents – a great deal of pain. Ever since then, though, I have been uncomfortable around my parents, which makes me feel horrible. They are still my parents, and I love them despite any disagreements we may have. However, I am on edge anytime I’m alone with them – especially my father, who also happens to be the leader (called a bishop) of the local Mormon congregation.

    What prompted this post was an interaction I had with my father over the phone. I’d just received word that I’d been accepted to a college and wanted to share the news. We started talking about other college applications I’m working on, and he said that he and my mom should look over those applications. This is, of course, a perfectly reasonable request, but I immediately went into what I think of as “shut down”. This happens any time my parents say something that reminds me of our past conversations and the way they closely monitor my life, but this time I actually noticed it as it happened. I watched myself become passively defensive, deflecting the suggestion with an, “oh, my teachers have been doing that for me”, and only responding to his questions/statements with one word answers.

    I didn’t like it. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to have with anyone. As I reflected, I noticed that I have slowly frozen my parents out in other ways; I really haven’t involved them in my application process and I don’t tell them about some of the important people in my life (although this is partially because they disapprove of my dating preferences).

    I’ve been coming to this site a lot recently because I still feel a lot of anger towards myself, my parents, and Mormonism in general, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry and unforgiving. Now, I know I also need to address the way this has affected my relationships. How can I learn to be comfortable with my parents again? How can I protect myself emotionally without completely shutting down?

    October 31, 2018 at 4:49 pm #234875
    Mark
    Participant

    GandC,

    Right now you are in this phase of individuation.  You can Google individuation and parents.

    You are finding your own way to become your own person.  This is threatening to your parents.  Naturally that creates conflict.

    It IS a struggle which can result in anger and resentment.  I see that as “natural.”  Everything is temporary as Buddhism teaches (among other philosophies).

    You ask, “How can I learn to be comfortable with my parents again? How can I protect myself emotionally without completely shutting down?”

    Other people here probably can give better answers here.  I can only offer is that what you are going through is normal and temporary.

    I do believe each and every one of us is that we are responsible to learn, to explore, to experiment, to GROW to become our own person for that is what the world needs, is what we need in order to be happy.  We are not suppose to live our parents’ lives.  We are suppose to do that for ourselves.  We are unique and need to bring our own unique selves to the world, hopefully to make it a better place as the result.

    You father may not be aware enough that raising children is not the same as raising robots who do not question their authority (or anyone else’s) but he his doing what he thinks is right for you.  Keeping that in mind may help you to put him in context as you clash with him.

    I encourage you to be strong in believing in yourself and your own truth.  Your truth may change and that is OK.  This is your life, your own journey.  You should not live your parents’ lives.  You should not live their truth.  You MAY arrive to that on your own but it’ll be YOUR truth.

    Take care and hang in there.

    Remember to love yourself first even though it may entail setting boundaries with your parents (maybe even shutting down).  This is all part of life practice.

     

    Mark

    November 1, 2018 at 8:37 am #234973
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julian:

    I read your post and what I believe to be an excellent reply by Mark. I  would like to read more from you, your response to the reply you received perhaps?

    anita

    November 2, 2018 at 6:47 am #235107
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Julian,

    I agree that this is totally normal. It’s not just you drifting from the Mormon religion. You would be becoming more independent anyway. The fact that Mormonism is the backdrop and your father is a bishop makes the whole process so much more intense.

    For most people religion may be a part of life. For your parents regular life takes a back seat to Mormonism (which IS “Life”). The religion is paramount.

    It seems like there’s some cognitive dissonance going on with them. Intellectually they know that you are drifting away, and that you are almost an adult. These new house rules sound ridiculous, even to themselves, and they are just biding their time while raising you “right”, and they know that you are just going through the motions.

    I predict that when you are an adult out of their house, the relationship might (I think eventually will) get better. It WILL feel awkward for a year or two. Not gonna lie!

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    November 5, 2018 at 7:35 am #235495
    Julian
    Participant

    A big thank you to y’all all for responding!

    Mark and Inky,

    Thank you for your encouragement. I looked up individuation and found a lot of advice for dealing with that process.

    You mentioned that he thinks he’s doing what’s right for me. I kept this in mind over the weekend, and it actually helped me be comfortable with and even enjoy time with my dad. Context really is everything.

    I think things will get easier when I’m not in the house. I’m intending to go to college out of state, so the distance might help a little. I think I might leave Mormonism quietly, though, so that I don’t upset my extended family as well.

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