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Guy acting weird after s** or just me?

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  • #373207
    Tati
    Participant

    Long story short, met this guy online (we are both 30) that I’ve been seeing for about a month and a half (6 weeks) . Prior to him, I haven’t dated much in the past couple of years after ending a 6 year relationship 3 years ago. He is one of the first people I really dated (gone on actual dates not just someone trying to hook up) and we’ve been on about 7 dates. Each one of them being at least 4 hours or more; one was an entire day. Between dates he would call at least once or twice a week (we would be on the phone for hours), he’s not a huge texter but I would hear from him at least every other day consistently. We were going on at least 1 date a week (3 of the 7 dates were movie dates at each others house). He just got out of a 9 year relationship about a year ago and he mentioned multiple times he is still sad about his ex (she left him). He also mentioned that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. At first I was upset and thought that maybe I should just stop talking to him but then I decided I honestly I didn’t mind because I don’t feel that we are that compatible for a long term relationship or even marriage which is something I’m ideally looking for. We also don’t have the same opinion on kids, communication styles, and different things like that which would make it never work.

    BUT, I really enjoy spending time with him, I like the conversations we can have. I feel very comfortable around him and I can tell he does too. I also have been pretty lonely for the past couple of years that I haven’t dated and am not going to lie and say I didn’t enjoy having someone around for the last month. Well, after 2 attempts (it was him but when I said no he would stop) on both those movie nights at each others homes (mind you we had real dates before and after those attempts) we finally had sex this past weekend. And although it seemed completely normal afterwards, he even stayed the night, we made breakfast and hung out until about 3:00pm that afternoon, I still feel something is off. I haven’t heard from him since I saw him on Monday (again, it’s usually every other day has been his pattern) but I don’t know why I feel so much anxiety and like he is going to disappear.

    The thing is I’m the one who initiated the sex this time, he even stopped me and said he meant what he said about not wanting anything serious and that’s not why he came over but I was just being impulsive in the moment and said its fine even though now I wish we hadn’t. I know it was also the first time for him since his ex a year ago (blame a pandemic and weird work hours) so I don’t know if he is feeling weird about that or what. I did text him this morning and still haven’t heard from him but he also works overnight and sleeps during the day so again, not completely out of the ordinary. I guess I’m just feeling bad and also don’t want to feel like he only used me for sex even though I genuinely don’t feel that way.

    We literally have had so many conversations and have been able to just be so open with one another, again, spend hours and hours on these dates and constantly have something to talk about. And not just surface things but actually talking about our dreams, fears, goals, families, etc. The logical part of me knows I shouldn’t care if he does ghost because it’s not like we want the same things anyway and aren’t compatible, but at the same time I really feel there was a deeper connection there even if it was just friendship and a part of me is afraid to lose that. I also have attachment issues so I don’t know if that’s contributing to it. I just feel so confused and sad

    #373212
    Ashmitha
    Participant

    It sounds like he may not be ready for a relationship yet if he still talks about missing his ex. And the fact that he warned you before you had sex, that he didn’t want anything serious, may be a confirmation for you.

    Don’t beat yourself up over it, it happened. Try not to obsess over this either. Just keep in mind that he TOLD you he doesn’t want anything serious aka a relationship. If that’s what you’re seeking, you might need to look elsewhere to avoid getting more hurt. You can see if he replies normally. Just don’t expect a relationship now that you’ve had sex. Not everyone views sex the same way. It’s probably better to let him heal from his ex and for him to choose a relationship when he is ready. Don’t rush him or it will bite you in the butt. You don’t want to be with a guy that still has feelings for his ex girl.

    #373216
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    It’s too soon to figure much about this beginning relationship, other than he is currently not looking for anything serious.  I understand that you already formed an emotional attachment to him, and that you are anxious now that he will no longer contact you. Maybe he will, possibly he will not. Relax, best you can. Don’t panic, and don’t express panic to him.

    The positive part of it all is that he has a heart, from what you shared: he stopped you before having sex, making sure that you know that he doesn’t want anything serious, and that he didn’t come over to have sex- that’s huge, in a world (and in a big city like Miami) where lots of people are not that conscientious.

    Have patience, best you can- if he does not contact you in the next two days, contact him, send him a short message, asking him about how he is doing, and take it from there. I hope you post again with an update about what is happening with this.

    anita

    #373505
    Tati
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    Back with an update. Firstly , I want to say thank you both for your feedback.

    Now for the update. It’s been about a week since I saw him last which was also the morning after we had had sex. Since then, he hasn’t been acting the same. Before that happened, I would hear from him at least twice a week via phone and he would occasionally check in via text. Now I have to admit, I did go back a look at our text history and realized it was a mixture of me having to text him first but there were also days he initiated it. Well this week, I decided I was not going to reach out first which I think also contributed to the lapse in communication.

    The first time he communicated was Wednesday when he said he would call. I was out so told him he has until a certain time and if not we would talk the following day (Thursday). Well Thursday came and of course I did not hear from him. Friday comes and I send an “are you alive” text to break the ice. He proceeded to tell me he’s had a busy week and also got into an accident (he’s fine, a little fender bender), he would tell me more information later. I told him to call whenever he had time, of course he did not (which is pretty uncommon for him so now that this is the second time in a week, I’m annoyed but also noticing a pattern). Saturday comes, he text me again asking if I want to get coffee Monday (today). I respond sure and let him know that if he wants to do it closer to his house, I would need to do it earlier in the day. He doesn’t respond to that text Saturday night, Sunday nothing.

    So today rolls around, I text him early to confirm what time and where we are going. After having to double text and hours later, he finally says can we do something around 7 but then sends another message saying, if I could do tomorrow morning for breakfast it would be better. By this time, I am livid. I call him and tell him it’s inconsiderate that he takes forever to confirm plans, also, the fact that he wants to cancel and how I feel he doesn’t consider other peoples time, he’s been acting super weird all week, etc. He said now he felt bad and I’m right, and how we could still meet up if I wanted. He also goes on to tell me that he hasn’t slept in 2 days (he works overnight shifts and has had a history sleeping problems that I knew about since first meeting him a month ago lol ) and he genuinely thinks he will be too tired after finishing errands (today is one of his off days) and that is why he wanted to cancel but again, he was willing to meet up. I told him it is fine and we did not have to meet. I also told him I don’t like flaky people, friend or not.

    I know this man is not for me. I honestly wanted to keep him as a friend even after everything but I’m not entirely sure why. I think it was just nice to have someone to do random things with and spend time with. But now I just feel more frustrated than anything. I really don’t know if he’s acting weird because of the sex (let me reiterate that I’m the one that initiated it) but it’s just weird timing if you ask me. I thought about just sending him a text telling him it’s been nice getting to know him but I don’t want to continue this friendship, but I thought about it and don’t think he’s even worth that. He definitely could tell I was getting frustrated on the phone, he tried to make random conversation and when he can tell I didn’t want to talk he ended it by saying I’ll let you go back to work now. I didn’t even want him to know he has that much power over my feelings but I also couldn’t hide it in my tone. I guess I also just don’t know why I care so much when he hasn’t been the nicest and I know we are not a good match. Emotions are one hell of a thing I’ll say. Maybe it’s disappointment, or maybe its pure ego. I don’t really know.

    #373506
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply at a later time, could be as late as 16 hours from now.

    anita

    #373514
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tati:

    You are welcome. I think that what happened is that you have  attachment anxiety (“I also have attachment issues”), and having sex with him for the first time caused you to feel more attached to him (“I really feel there was a deeper connection there”), and as a result, you felt more anxious.

    You became anxious, fearful of losing him (“part of me is afraid to lose that”, that being the connection with him). Fearful, you became alert to any sign in his behavior that meant that you were losing him/ that he was withdrawing from you.

    When you communicated with him on the phone, he was able to sense your increased anxiety and anger, by the tone of your voice and the words you chose (“He definitely could tell I was getting frustrated on the phone.. couldn’t hide it in my tone”), and he reacted by ending the phone call (“he ended it by saying I’ll let you go back to work now”).

    The title of your thread is: “Guy acting weird after s** or just me?”- I think that it started with it being just you. If you want to, you are welcome to share here about your attachment issues.

    anita

    #373939
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Tati

    We all want find and connect with that special person ….. it is good that you understand this man is not one. I wish you joy and happiness …. and know you will find that special person that will fill your days and night . Keep the faith

     

    Tony

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