Hi Jeena,

You must be going through such a tough time. I see that you’ve made a really deep connection with somebody online. Feelings are feelings whether they’re online or not. I think you need to answer this question for yourself though rather than asking here. Ultimately, what you think to be true is what is correct, but it’s always okay to ask others for advice and should be treated like a grain of salt in a bigger picture. I nor any other user on TB know details of this individual personally. Do you think “it’s” real if you haven’t met this person? If the feelings weren’t there and you didn’t feel so conflicted would you be on an online forum asking questions? Is the “it” you’re speaking of your feelings or the bond/relationship that you have formed with this person?

There may be many different reasons for the way this person is behaving. I will give advice based on my life experience and what i’ve heard/read about others. Usually when a guy/girl is being secretive that way they are hiding a secret. The fact that he is okay with speaking all the time, but doesn’t want to show himself to you on Skype or in person means that there is something he does not want to reveal. Have you seen him on camera before? What i’ve learned is that actions speak louder than words. Just because he speaks to you and is protective online does not mean he is willing to commit or go any further as he has already denied meeting in person.

In essence with that, he “claims” to be single. Do you know how old he is? Roughly speaking, he may be married with children or even have a girlfriend. He may be embarrassed about his appearance because it may not be exactly as he described to you online. He may have a stutter or something else he is embarrassed about. Who knows? What we do know is that he does not respect you because he does not consider your feelings. If he respected/cared for you then he would either tell you that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship/friendship apart from the internet or he would tell you a very clear cut reason as to why he can not meet you in person. It seems as if he has come up with an excuse that he “can’t” meet you. That may be very well true, but why can he not meet you? Anybody can do anything they want and when someone likes someone they will do anything they can to spend time with that person. He might also just be immature or have a real issue that he is uncomfortable sharing.

You seem like a very nice person and I’m guessing you’re a woman (hopefully correctly). Although he has done a lot of online communication and conversation for him it may have only been friendly or even a way to escape a troubled/ lacking relationship. It seems as if he just wants to keep things the way they are. Now, ask yourself if that is enough for you? It seems as if you are unhappy with this situation and quite conflicted (am I correct?) , do you think you can continue on knowing that this may never develop into anything in person? Is it worth it? Is it worth suppressing your emotions/feelings for someone or better to have a relationship in person where you can really get to know they physically and emotionally?

If you are still conflicted in what you need to do and want to try again then I suggest talking to him and letting him know how you feel very directly. Then, set up a small amount of time maybe 2 – 3 weeks and see if things change and he agrees to take things forwards. I do want to say that if he feels you pulling away, he may say anything and promise to “change” or “try” when he really will just go back to the way things were. If things don’t change after said amount of time, free yourself and open up space for someone else to come in. Someone who is willing and can give you what you need.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Annie.

Hi Jeena,

I of course don’t know the situation, but as a man myself I have messaged women on dating sites and enjoyed the communication…but then when I get asked something like “do you want this to go further” I get scared and back off. My reasons had to do with thoughts like “I can’t deal with a relationship” or “I have PTSD, depression etc and she’ll see that and be disappointed and I’ll be a wreck afterward”.

These thoughts are the result of cognitive distortions brought about from childhood.

That’s just my own experience, though. What Annie wrote about hiding something resonates with me–I was hiding my perceived inadequacies and “flaws”, and was afraid to be seen also because I’m about 60lbs overweight and don’t look like society’s “attractive man” (whatever that really is).

Like Annie, I don’t know what he’s like other than what you’ve said. But I hope my vignette helps.

Hello again Jeena,

Uncertainty definitely has a way of making us feel uncomfortable, I feel for you. It seems as if you are saying that you have consciously decided to end the relationship based on the fact that “it’s not real if you cannot meet in person”? Not to be completely pessimistic, but there are many many many online sites where people post photos of themselves. You could have seen photos of anyone.

If he loves you then why doesn’t he want to reduce the distance between you two? Is it really “complicated” when we love someone and want to be near them? You are right – he may have been doing it for your benefit. He may have realized that you were a good person and he did not want to hurt you so he kept you in the dark.

You said “he seems so sure that we’re a match even though we have not met in person”. Perhaps he really believes this, on a more emotional level. It may also be that this is what he wants you to believe, in order to continue the online “thing.” Men, can’t live with them and can’t live without them. I used to say that relationships are tough and they are because they require a lot of work. What I’ve learned recently is that relationships require effort on BOTH sides and they aren’t that tough if both parties are willing to learn and grow TOGETHER. Sending you hugs!

Jeena,

I agree about the distance thing. It’s just that for me it’s difficult (all that fear stuff I mentioned). And totally agree on missing 1/2 of the experience–you don’t get eye contact, the way he carries himself, what he looks like, and all that stuff. You have certainly given him enough time to make a move. I guess what I suggested kinda would sound like an ultimatum; I didn’t think of it that way until you mentioned it. On the other hand, I do wonder what his response to you cutting him off entirely would be. But it does sound like cutting him off is the right thing to do–as it looks like you did, as I read your response to Annie. He’s had plenty of chances, and it’s not like you haven’t been asking him to meet or skype after all this time. So, for the sake of your emotional self, cutting him off does seem like the best idea. He’s not giving you what you want, and his professed love for you hasn’t been enough to get him to reveal himself visually.

Should you say something? At the moment, I’m not sure. There are pros and cons to both tacks (telling him you’re cutting him off vs just doing it). I’m the kind of person who would go full disclosure and cut somebody off and tell them exactly why. On the other hand, last time I did that the whole thing was extremely messy and heartbreaking. Also, after years, if he really doesn’t know why you’d be cutting him off at this point, I’d be very surprised.

Also, I’m hesitant to say someone “should” do something, because that implies that not doing said thing means you’re disappointing the person suggesting the “should”. Know what I mean? Telling someone they “should” do something (particularly in this case, since I don’t know the circumstances other than what you’ve written) feels a bit categorical to me. But I don’t need to belabor the point 🙂