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August 6, 2015 at 7:21 pm #81376
AllisonParticipantHey, long time lurker and blog reader; first time poster here. I was wondering if anyone has any sort of regrets or fallout from pursuing their dreams/wants? Right now I am grappling between returning to school to finish a Computer Science degree that I started a few years ago. I would be a junior and am all singed up for classes and school starts in two weeks. Recently though I have begun toying with the idea of moving to New Zealand and making steps towards doing that. (I’ve actually just got the approval for the work visa yesterday). I would like to study wine there because it is something that I am interested in learning about. So far I’ve created a life that it seems that a lot of people would be proud of: at 22 going on 23 I’ve been living with a SO for the past 3 years and buying a house, paying bills, got a loan from a credit union for a car recently when my old one broke and I had no money saved. I am doing everything by the book and people are proud of me but I am really not happy most of the time. I work dead end jobs I don’t like at hours that conflict with my family and friends and I really can’t take it anymore. I don’t feel as though I have lived my life for me; instead basing who I am on where others fall short. Computer Science doesn’t excite me as much anymore other than the thought that it would mean a secure future with money once I graduate. The thought of returning to school makes me want to cry because even though I’m making finances work now by a thin margin, I know once I return to school either I would have to be working a lot more in order to afford to live and attend school(I’m not receiving much financial aid because I’m still a dependent in the eyes of the U.S govt. even though my parents don’t support me whatsoever and they make bank) and lose my sanity with no social life and homework. I would rather not go into tremendous debt either. Because of all of this NZ sounds like a great option but I am so scared of all the consequence of going there and living there for 6 months +. Even though I know that it is something I definitely want to do I’m afraid of what will happen when I get back. What if I’m worse off? What if I don’t find employment when I get back? What if wine doesn’t turn out to be something I want to do long-term? I know its normal to feel this way when making a huge life change but I am so used to picking up others messes and being their anchor/motivator that I have no clue how to be my own supporter and constantly second guess myself. Advice on how I can deal with this situation?
August 7, 2015 at 6:59 am #81397
JessParticipantHave you mapped any of this out? Looked at what the worst-case scenario would be of going to NZ? My bet is you could still handle whatever that fear would be. You are already doing well. I am 37. I moved to another country at a young age and I managed. I was broke sometimes, and I had to work certain jobs to make ends meet, but I also gained things that fed my soul. I have made friends from all over the world. It could be scary and lonely at times, but I also felt proud and excited by the risks I was taking and for how excited I felt knowing I could do it. I have learned that there isn’t always a perfect time to do things, and sometimes you have to just leap. You sound like you have a very level head on your shoulders and that you are doing well and being “responsible.” But responsible to who? If you are feeling so unhappy, I think it is important to do thing for yourself. At my age, I look back and wish I had taken more risks. I am mustering the courage to do that again.
Wishing you the very best on your journey.
ps…I splurged on a trip to NZ 3 years ago. It was an amazing time.
August 7, 2015 at 7:44 am #81401
AnonymousGuestDear allsmith642:
You wrote: “I am so used to picking up others messes and being their anchor/motivator that I have no clue how to be my own supporter and constantly second guess myself.”
What I am reading in the statement above is that you have PRACTICE and therefore confidence in being others’ anchor and motivatior and picking up others’ messes. You have little PRACTICE and therefore less confidence in making your own choices without the ongoing second guessing yourself.
It must be less scary to do the former. It is scarier to do the latter.
Fear is an element every person has to live with in life, co-exist with it, manage it the best you can. Accept that there will always be fear, or that if you don’t feel it right this moment, it will re-appear. When overwhelmed by it, there are ways to regulate it, focusing on breathing and so fort… and accepting it, that is not trying to … get rid of it. Deal with fear on an ongoing basis at the same time that you deal with your choice making regarding further education vs. NZ.
Whichever choice you make, there will be some unpleasant consequences. There is no easy ride with any of the two choices, this is a given. There may be less fear in the first than in the second (NZ) but sounds like there is likely to be- as things are- more depression wtih the first. Since you will have to endure discomfort going each way, decide, if you will, which choice will be a better opportunity for you to become a more aware individual, a stronger individual as you progress with that choice.
anita
August 7, 2015 at 5:09 pm #81429AllisonParticipantThanks so much for both of the responses! In my heart I know I need to do what I feel like will be the most beneficial, challenging and rewarding experience for me and only me. I know that will mean going to NZ. It will be a scary experience having to go there – knowing virtually no one – and having to trust myself enough to make good decisions since I’ll be half a world away from everyone I know. I don’t do that enough -trust myself and my capabilities,I ask everyone what I should do and how I should think about things, how I should conduct my life and then become depressed and stressed when I end up feeling hollow and empty as a consequence of not doing what I truly want out of fear of disappointing my loved ones. I guess it is so terrifying because Im living (to me at least) such a boring practical orderly life – mainly because no one around me has that kind of stability I felt like I need fill those gaps for them.
August 7, 2015 at 5:17 pm #81430AnonymousGuestDear allosmith642:
So you were trying to fix others; lives so that they are stable enough, resourceful enough to tell you what to do? Fixing their lives so that they can fix yours? That is the long way. THe short way would be you fixing your life.???
anitaAugust 7, 2015 at 5:24 pm #81431AnonymousGuestP.S. I have done that myself, my whole life. I tried to fix my mother and her life so that she can provide me the safety that I never had, the safety to start my own life. My life with her from the earliest memories was that of FEAR. I believed then that I had to have her in my life and I had to have safety with her. It was a survival need, on a live and die level of urgency. As I got older and still did not exprience the safety I so craved, I continued to try to fix her life or otherwise WAIT for her to “come and get me” and take my hand and hold me tight so that I start trembling with fear. I waited and waited and it never happened. I stopped waiting at 53 when i stopped contact with her and then I kept waiting anyway and I do hope that all parts of my brain caught up with my cutting contact with her and that indeed I no longer wait.
i hope you don’t wait as long as I did. Here i am at 54 and at times I am still terrified. I am not working and probably never will, not having a real career most likely. I am saving the rest of my life from waiting though and I am living as much life as I can now on my own terms. I am healing- the process, ongoing.
This is my share. Please do not wait for as long as I did.
anita
August 18, 2015 at 9:14 am #81956AllisonParticipantHey thanks for the help, just wanted to say that last night I did end up booking the flight to NZ, and am looking to defer my enrollment to college. I spoke to a co-worker who is well traveled about my dilemma and he told me that I can’t let someone else stop me from doing what I want to do in my life. Really I was, no still kind of am, scared that I will come back to a financial mess. My SO is terrible with money and I really am the one who keeps are lives in check. He works and pays the mortgage but I pay the bills, buy the groceries, cook, clean, walk the dog, drive everywhere since he lost his license etc. I was just letting his shortcomings hinder me, or the fear of him failing stop me dead in my tracks and derail me from pursuing what I want. I read a quote that really struck a cord with me that said something to the effect of ” Do your choices reflect your fears, or your hopes?” and I think its incredibly sad that I had let the former dictate my life. Thanks for you advice anita and jess!
August 18, 2015 at 10:49 am #81963AnonymousGuestDear Allison:
You are welcome. There is a line from a poem I like very much: “Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.” No matter what you do, there is going to be fear. Because there is no such thing as guarantee in life (except for the guarantee of death- which is teh one guarnatee that is scary!) – there will always be fear. Got to find a way to live BETTER with this unavoidable, inescapable reality. When your choices reflect your fears- there still will be fear. When your choices reflect your hopes- there will be fear. So fear in any case, makes sense to go for hopes. Best wishes to you. Post any time!
anita -
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