Home→Forums→Tough Times→Hate self for being happy
- This topic has 28 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.
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June 17, 2016 at 6:21 pm #107551KaitlinParticipant
I’m not sure what started it, probably as an act to make myself seem more relatable to others and to seem kind, I would always hide how I truly felt about anything, and at the end of the day I would hate myself for not being the “real” me. I still have this issue now, even after a couple of years of therapy. I just came out as a lesbian, and everyone was very supportive, but I wish I came out earlier in my life instead of hating myself for years for it. Yeah, lots of issues. This is my first time on any forum posting about them. I feel angry mostly at my mom, because she would always pressure me into getting boyfriends. But I can’t be mad at her, because she didn’t know, but I guess I’m more mad at myself? Yeah.
Thanks for any help
June 17, 2016 at 8:30 pm #107558AnonymousGuestDear rainbowmystica:
There is always a price to pay for not being authentic, real. The more you practice being the “real you” the less angry you will be. Problem is when there are things about the real you… that you are not aware of or that you are not okay with, that causes conflict and distress.
When you came out as a lesbian, that was you being the real you. But there is more to you that you still need to express, to come out as. In other words, there are still things in the closet. Could be your anger at your mother. If you feel ashamed for being angry at her, that you shouldn’t but you still are…then that anger is partially still in the closet.
If you relate to things that need to be revealed and made known still in the closet, would you like to reveal them here, open the closet and let whatever steps out, do so?
anita
June 18, 2016 at 2:34 am #107574SannParticipantDear Rainbowmystica,
Wow, I can relate so much to your post and the title.
In the title you write that you hate yourself for being happy, and when I read your post, I wonder, are you happy? Because you are hiding so much to others, it seems that you have difficulty accepting yourself as you are, or you are doing a lot of effort to make a good impression on others, to gain their approval or acceptance. Do you feel that you are happy? Sorry if I ask this very directly, it is a question that came up in my mind, so I was wondering how you feel about that.You are hiding yourself, or parts of yourself, like you say yourself, to seem more relatable to others. But you don’t become more relatable to others, because you are not fully there in the contact, and you are always focussing at least a part of your attention on how you come across, how they might perceive you, what they might think of you. And you get more distanced from yourself over time, because you focus so much on how to come across on others. I don’t know if you relate to that, that is how I feel anyway.
Do you accept yourself, that you are a lesbian, or with the things that you are still hiding? Do you really feel that you are ok, just the way you are, no matter what it is, even if some things are different than the ‘norm’, or the ‘average population’? Or is there some feeling in you, that you need the approval of others in order to feel good about yourself? That it is risky to show yourself as you are because they might reject you?
You say you are angry with your mum, but maybe more angry with yourself.
Could it help to start looking at it in a different way. Why being angry? Why not look at yourself, and your mum, with understanding. There were reasons why you were hiding until now. Could you look at yourself, with compassion, and be nice to yourself. First of all, you did come out now, and it was obvious a difficult thing, so that is really brave, you can be proud of yourself for that. You could still be waiting now to come out, but you did. The fact that you waited until now, meant that you were only ready now, for whatever reason. Being angry with yourself is not going to help you to accept yourself, and to feel better inside of yourself. Looking at yourself with kindness, is, in my opinion (but who am I to know anything 😉 ) the only way to come to real authenticity and honesty.Take care, and well done for writing your first forumpost about it. That was a good step in opening up towards other people, probably in an easier way than in real life with people you know.
June 18, 2016 at 9:56 am #107591KaitlinParticipantThank you both for your comments so much! Yes, I am still hiding lots of things about myself, like how creative I can be through art. I want to be more creative with expressing myself through art, but I feel locked down, in a sense. Like I’m not living up to my full potential as the real me. Sorry if what I’m writing sounds confusing to you. I worry about how I come across to others, because I don’t always understand what people are thinking (I am also on the autistic spectrum), but who really does? We can’t read another’s thoughts, but we can try. I don’t want to seem rude or better off to other people, just because I was blessed with some money when I was born. I try to hide that fact from people. But I’m tired of it, even though I still don’t want to flaunt it…
Yes, I came out to my parents, therapist, and two close friends this week. My therapist said I was brave, and I have full support and love from everybody. I am lucky.
And @Sann, I think I what you said is correct. I am afraid of rejection for being authentic. I will try to be kind with myself, but that may be hard at the beginning.
Thank you both for taking the time to read this silly thread.
June 18, 2016 at 10:04 am #107592AnonymousGuestDear Rainbowmystica:
Maybe it is your anger at your mother that is blocking you. Maybe you are afraid of losing her if you explore this anger further. Share more about it here, if you’d like. If you do and if you, as a result, feel some sense of being unblocked, some release, that would indicate that it’s the right thing for you to do and to process further.
anita
June 18, 2016 at 11:01 am #107594KaitlinParticipantI also think you are right. I feel like my mother is the reason why I’m afraid to be authentic, because I don’t want to be rejected by her for who I am. She is my mother, but I feel like nothing I do will ever make her happy with me, even though it is just a misconception of mine. She loves me and supports me, but I still feel angry.
June 18, 2016 at 11:09 am #107595AnonymousGuestDear rainbowmystica:
You were most likely rejected by your mother many, many times when you were a child and growing up. And all through that time, she probably fed you well and bought you things and sometimes was loving-like. So you got mixed messages that confused you then and confuse you now.
This is how I can tell if a child (of any age)is loved by the parent: if the child/ adult child is mentally well. I look at the results of the parenthood.
If you look back you can probably come up with example after example of how your mother rejected you, before and independently (having nothing to do with) your sexual orientation. Can you come up with examples and share them here?
anita
June 18, 2016 at 11:09 am #107596KaitlinParticipantMy mother has also said she holds herself to very high standards, and I’m worried she holds me to those same standards as well…
June 18, 2016 at 11:11 am #107597AnonymousGuestDear rainbowmystica:
Double posting. And what are her very high standards…?
anita
June 18, 2016 at 11:18 am #107598KaitlinParticipantYes, I felt like I was rejected by her. She would always sit in front of the television, and being engrossed in newspapers, so much so, that they covered the house. The house was never clean, and I was never allowed to have friends over because of this, and I lost friendships because of this. My mother would also never get a job, and just sit around and do nothing all day, and come downstairs from bed in the afternoon, which she still does. I wake up early in the morning, and so does my father. My mother would also prohibit me from buying certain things I wanted, even though my friends at school had them. I know that you can not always get what you want, but yes. She would also pick out my clothing for me without considering my opinion, something which she still does now. My dad is much more understanding than my mom, and he is easier to get along with her. I have no anger towards him. My mother can also be insensitive and not always think before she thinks, and I was physically and mentally abused by her as a child.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression these last couple of years, as well as schizoaffective disorder.
Thank you.
Edit: I do not know what her high standards are.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Kaitlin.
June 18, 2016 at 11:40 am #107600AnonymousGuestDear Rainbowmystica:
Your mother said she holds herself to high standards and you worry she holds you to the same standards, but you don’t know what those standards are. I assure you that if she told me what her standards were, that you would have done your best to meet those standards. I assure you of that because there is nothing a child wants more than to be approved of by the parent/s.
Her standards are not getting up before the middle of the day; not working and brining in money; not cleaning the home; not allowing you to pick up your clothes – as an adult, not being a good mother… so I too don’t know what her high standards can possibly be.
Your mother abused you as a young child and otherwise she has been a very lacking mother. The lack was not who you were or are, but who she has been.
The two year therapy you attended so far, was that just you and the therapist or does your mother have knowledge from the therapist about what is happening during therapy? Did you discuss your mother in therapy and what became of it?
anita
The two
June 18, 2016 at 11:51 am #107601KaitlinParticipantIt has been a mixture of just therapy for me, and therapy for the family. I have not told my therapist this, because I don’t want to make my mother feel bad, because I still love her, as her child. And before posting on this website, I did not know the reason for the hate so I have just been guessing.
I know that living away from my mother (I live with my parents right now) would help me get better, but I don’t how it’s possible to make that happen. I have no job, so no money right now. My parents (mostly my dad), takes care of all my food and clothing expenses, something which I want to do by myself some day. I want to get a job, I want to be a productive person and contribute to society, everything my mother is not.
June 18, 2016 at 12:17 pm #107602AnonymousGuestDear rainbowmystica:
Maybe your father can help you move out and live on your own. Maybe he can manage the bills involved, nothing fancy, just a place comfortable enough for you, so that you can get better.
There is no doubt in my mind that your mother has been … well, bad news for you. It is too bad. But she made it so, not you. You did all you could to be a good daughter, so much so that you sacrifice yourself so to not hurt her feelings, keeping yourself blocked and unwell so to not hurt her feelings. On the other hand, she hurt your feelings plenty of times, again and again for years.
You did nothing wrong to her. She did plenty of wrong to you. You do deserve to heal and be as happy as you can be, and not to hate yourself (title of your thread). Your therapy cannot be helpful to you unless you express your anger at your mother and the hurt underneath. What you say to your therapist about your mother should be confidential. It has to be so that you will feel safe telling it like it is to your therapist.
No wonder you don’t feel real, if you don’t express your true feelings even to your therapist. I am glad you posted here and please do post for as long as you want and I will reply very time.
The psychiatric diagnosis you mentioned, you were not born with it. You were born as healthy as any other baby. But then, a baby and a young child has to have a good-enough mother to develop healthily, to not get sick. You were injured by your mother and so, there it is possible for you to heal from those injuries.
But little healing can be done while you live with her. I sure hope your father (since you said there is money in the family) can pay for you to move out before you get a job and independently of you getting a job, for the purpose of you having confidential (!) therapy, maybe with a new therapist, if you can’t trust this one to be confidential. What you say in therapy has to stay in therapy. Therapists will lose their jobs if they don’t keep the confidentiality of their patients.
anita
June 18, 2016 at 12:50 pm #107603KaitlinParticipantThank you so much. I cried happy tears reading your post. I can get better. You are right, I wasn’t born this way. My therapist has also mentioned the possibility of a group home in the meantime, if I can not afford living on my own just yet, or my father is unwilling to pay for me living on my own. Then, once I get a job and earn more money, enough to start on and live on my own, I will do that. I want to live my life the way I want to, and not feel bad about it.
I’ve already sent my therapist an email (she is confidential and I trust her- she has helped a lot these couple of years), and I will speak to her tuesday about my mother, and what can be done so I am away from her. Even for now, if I can’t move away just yet, getting out of the house more so I am not suffocating in despair.
Maybe I will try yoga again.Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
June 18, 2016 at 1:11 pm #107604AnonymousGuestDear Rainbowmystica:
You are welcome, and please do post here, on your own thread, anytime and I will be glad to respond.
I am glad you trust your therapist, who is obligated by law to keep what you tell her confidential. It is not going to be easy, healing and it wasn’t easy for me. But nature heals itself all the time and it is part of us, this natural ability to heal. Only we need help and must be patient with the process, gentle with ourselves.
Please remind yourself when you forget (and I am here to remind you, post when you need a reminder)- that your mother injured you, not the other way around. Remind yourself that it is your job to attend to your healing and to no longer sacrifice yourself in fear of hurting your mother’s feelings.
Be faithful to yourself, to your right and responsibility to attend to your own healing. Be your number one, please!
anita
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