Dear Charlie:

You shared that  both your parents were attorneys, and that you are an attorney as well (you worked with abused youth in 2016, from a previous thread). Your parents expected you to be perfect and were “always very opinionated about everything” you said or did. You often felt that you were letting them down, and still struggle with wanting their approval. You became a lawyer partly so to get their approval.

“Whenever they say something like my son ‘would be a great big brother’, it hurts.. that I’m less of a mother in their eyes”.

You shared that your mother, although being “a very stressed out person” herself, minimized your stress by telling you things like “stop making a mountain out of a molehill”, and “stop looking at the glass half-empty”.

Your 12 years of Catholic education which emphasized “avoiding sin and hell and things like this.. general messages of guilt/ shame” added to your strong inclination to second guess yourself “in almost every aspect of (your) life”.

*After I read about your mother in your recent post and before I read what you wrote about your therapist being similar to your mother, I thought the same thing myself. For a moment I had the idea that your therapist is your mother.

My comment to you today: I’ve seen it happening again and again… and yet again, that women who are mothers still try to please their mothers at the expense of their own children. The mother/ adult-child still longs for her mother approval and in that quest, will act against her own interests and against the interests of her own child or children.

And it I’ve seen it again… and again, that the mother/ adult-child never gets the approval she yearns from. Just as you are in your second guessing yourself and regretting habits, your mother too is having her own habits- to disapprove of you/ minimize your stress.

You know how strong your habits are… so are hers.

The person who doesn’t have such strong habits yet is your young son. He is .. totally approving of you. Back to my experience: mothers betray their child’s approval/ love  by chasing their own mothers’ approval and love. The result: the mother betrays her own child, and she never succeeds to undo the betrayal she experienced from her own mother.

Don’t have a second child so to get your mother’s approval: you will fail at that quest and your son (and his potential sibling) will suffer for it.

anita

Dear Charlie:

You are very welcome. I will probably have more thoughts for you tomorrow morning when I feel more awake and able to think better. For now, here is my answer one of your questions:

“when do you think it’s a good time for one to contemplate another child?”- after the pandemic is declared contained, and when economic recovery is evident.

I live in the USA, fellow American. It is 2:46 pm my time , so you can have an idea where I am. I am looking forward to be back to you Thurs morning.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .

Dear Charlie:

“any other things you feel one should consider?” (regarding when it’s a good time for one to contemplate another child):

If there is a viral pandemic going on with no vaccine or cure (and getting medical care/ being hospitalized because of possible pregnancy complications is a problem because one can get infected with Covid-19 at the hospital, or there may not be space in the hospital because of exhausted resources), it is not the time.

If there is a war likely to start or is going on (ex. London, before, during and sometime after being bombed during WW2), or civil unrest/ riots in the streets, and/ or uncontrolled criminal activity in one’s neighborhood/ part of the city, it is not the time.

If poverty and homelessness is one’s personal situation, or it is likely to be one’s situation (examples: as a result of a looming divorce, loss of a major source of income, economic recession or depression), it is not the time.

If there is any domestic violence or aggression of any kind in the home (between parents, between parents and child,  or uncontrolled aggression between siblings); if anyone in the household is violent from time to time because of a mental illness, it is not the time.

If anyone in the household is a heavy duty drug addict, and/ or is involved in selling and buying drugs illegally, it is not the time.

If taking care of a second child would mean neglecting the first child, it is not the time. If the first child is hyperactive or has physical and emotional difficulties that require lots of parental attention and supervision, it is not the time.

If anyone in the household smokes inside the home, or if the air in the city where one lives is unhealthy to breathe, during many days of the year, or on a regular basis, it is not the time.

If there is no clean available water supply, or the supply is seriously threatened, it is not the time.

If minimal health care is not available where one lives, it is not the time.

If vaccines for the known childhood infectious diseases such as polio and chickenpox are not available, it  is not the time.

If the potential parent is too young (not ready to give up on partying and focusing on parenting) or is too sick and/ or too old to be able to parent the child, it is not the time.

“the world seems so scary right now- pandemic, global warming, polarizing politics and grave injustices, etc. But I know every generation in history has had their challenges, yet I can’t help but wonder if the world is more unsettling now than before?“-

– I think that “polarizing politics and grave injustices” have been parts of human life throughout history, some injustices greater before than in modern life. And progress has been and is being made as far as justice goes. Regarding idiotic and polarizing politics, I hope that in Nov we will have way less idiotic and polarizing politics in the US, and I wish politics everywhere else, locally and globally will move toward helping vs harming humanity.

Regarding global warming due to fossil fuels, that’s going to last for .. decades at the least, before it means death for us all. And we are all going to die (human life has carries a 100% mortality rate), so I don’t see global warming as an immediate death threat, one to prevent a person from having children. (I wish progress will be made on the global warming issue).

Regarding the global pandemic- as long as there is (if it resumes) massive international travel, there is the risk of spreading diseases from any part of the world to any other part. And as long as there is internet we have the information about how it is everywhere in the world, something that didn’t exist before (ex. Worldometer availing us with the numbers of Covid-19 cases and deaths in every region and every country in the world,  every hour of every day,  all in one page). But epidemics and pandemics exist throughout history and with much higher mortality rates than the current, with way lesser health care, and no governmental welfare programs.

I’d say that before the pandemic is contained and the economy begins to recover, it is not the time to have another child. After these two things happen (and hopefully governments will learn the  lessons that need to be learned and be way more prepared and efficient the next viral outbreak happens!), then it may be time to contemplate another child.

“Right now I feel confident that we would be able to provide a great childhood and start in life for our son with our resources, but they would obviously be stretched thinner with a second”- your mental resources will be stretched thinner with a second child. Mental resources such as Calm and Patience, Attention, Guidance and Encouragement, these are most valuable and cannot be replaced by material goods.

I suggest that whenever you contemplate a second child again, think of your mental resources and ask yourself: have I been calm and patient and attentive to my son for six months by this point? Do I see myself having the calm, patience and attention for my son while pregnant? Do I see myself having the calm, patience and attention for my son and for a second child for years to come?

anita

Dear Charlie:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me, it feels good to read your words.

“I often find myself comparing myself to other moms who have 2 or 3 kids, feeling like there must be something ‘wrong’ or less maternal about me since I already feel my plate is full with just one child”- so many moms don’t care about their kids being harmed by having more kids, they may not think about it at all, or if the thought crossed their minds, they may think something like: they’ll get over it. This kind of inconsiderate thinking is not admirable, it is not something to look up to.

It is more maternal to care for the welfare of your existing child than it is to.. not care. There is something right about you (not wrong) for caring about the welfare of your child.

“If I do decide that I only have the mental resources for one child in the future, is there a good way to be at peace with this?.. I want to be able to be at peace with just one (because who knows what the future holds) without feeling like I’m lacking“-

– That feeling that you are lacking- that feeling was born in your early childhood, way before having children was a topic in your life. This feeling was born in the context of you being a child. So don’t expect to get rid of the feeling in the context of you being a woman and a mother. I felt this way myself and I no longer feel this way because I looked into my life as a child and I see now, seeing it deeply and thoroughly, that I was not lacking as a child, and therefore I am not lacking now.

If you try to eliminate this feeling like you are lacking, by having a second child, or by not having a second child, none of these two options will get rid of that feeling for you, because that feeling was born, so to speak, years before you were able to give birth.

You have to do what is right for you and for your son regardless of you feeling inadequate. Stick to rational thinking. Eventually your feelings will catch up to your rational thinking. But until you feel at peace, you have to endure the distress of feeling inadequate.

anita

Dear Charlie:

You are welcome. I am pleased to read what you wrote. And I know, from personal experience, how much time of increasing insight and ongoing practice of correct thinking it takes to change old feelings and old beliefs. Therefore, feel free to post anytime you want to: be it later today, in a week or month from now.. whenever you feel the need to post and receive my input. Thank you for wishing me to enjoy my day and weekend, and I wish you and your family the same.

anita

Till next time, Charlie!

anita

Dear Charlotte:

You are welcome and good to read from you again. I am glad you will definitely not be considering a second child during  a pandemic or before Trump is out of the White House for good.

I will rephrase your question and give you my simple answer: is it better for a child to have siblings or not? My answer: it depends on the parents’ emotional resources. If the parent taking care of the first child tends to be anxious, that means the parent doesn’t have the emotional resources (calm, patience, optimism and whatnot) to have a second child.

(The studies that you read may not take this most important issue into consideration).

“my biggest concern is that if my son is an only, he will grow old without anyone else closely related to him”- there are plenty of adults with siblings who grow old alone, with no relationships with their siblings. I see them all around me. If you bring about a sibling for your son, you can’t at all predict that they will get along as children or as adults.

Please let me know if my answer is satisfactory, and if not- I will be  glad to answer you again when I return to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by .

Dear Charlotte:

I will be back to your thread in about 11 hours from now.

anita