Haven't been able to stop crying for days

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

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July 10, 2016 at 5:22 am #109285

G
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I have decided to post this in the ’emotional mastery’ section rather than the ‘relationships’ section, because it is ultimately a personal problem (which just happens to involve relationships). I realize this problem may sound bizarre to those more well-versed in Buddhist matters, but I hope you will be able to offer some advice.

Basically, ever since I first developed a real crush on a person (about eight years ago), I have also developed a very intense fear of falling out of love with the person I am currently in love with. Despite findings like these http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Acevedo-et-alLong-term.pdf (which I compulsively read over and over), I am essentially convinced that the feeling of ‘in-love-ness’ will inevitably end within a few months or years.
Now, I am afraid I am beginning to fall in love with a person again. Whenever I look at this person, I am automatically filled with dread when I consider that this crush will be fleeting, and they will at some point not inspire limerence in me anymore. Others have obviously suggested things like ‘so just enjoy the crush part for as long as it lasts’, but I just find the thought of losing that ‘spark’ so unbearable that I have begun to avoid this person and am seriously considering not entering into relationships at all anymore.

Of course, I am very much aware of the value of a more companionate, stable type of love. I wouldn’t want to miss receiving and giving this kind of love when it comes to close friends and family members. I also realise that nothing would ever get done if everyone sat around just being in love for years. However, the notions of romantic love and these almost anxious feelings are very intricately bound for me. This has been an issue for me for years, and developing even the slightest crush on a person guarantees weeks of intense crying. I would be very grateful for some suggestions.

July 10, 2016 at 8:21 am #109294

andy
Participant

Love is one of the most intense sensations we can feel. That alone causes all sorts of powerful reactions.
What is interesting is the lack of logic involved! There is no way to really think yourself in or out of genuine feelings. When we try to resist or change honest feelings, tears may flow or anger may build.

Perhaps the real struggle is with the impermanence of life itself. We all try to hold onto the ‘good’ things while doing our best to manage the ‘bad’ things. In the end it is all flowing and changing. The more you try to grasp tightly, the more things slip through your fingers.

It is useful to face fears. It is often a case of shining a light on things, only to see them vanish or become less threatening.
Love happens in its own way… and follows a course we cannot control.

It hurts like heck to lose the sensation of love, and it hurts even more not to allow it to take its course.

Life is fleeting, and the only real fear is of losing that life.

Wishing you peace on your own path, and hoping things become clearer as you go along. Feelings are a handful 🙂

July 10, 2016 at 9:03 am #109296

Anonymous
Guest

Dear norg:

In that article (the link you provided) it reads: ” long-term pair-bonds share neural circuitry with parent–infant bonds…pair-bonds and parent–infant bonds share common biological substrates…Thus, adult attachment work has been built on the notion that pair-bonds are the adult instantiation of attachment in childhood”

Did you consider the possibility that you suffered an “insantiation of attachment in childhood”- that is you had an unavailable, unloving parent, one who maybe loved you a bit, conditionally, one you reached out to again and again but was rejected and felt great distress about being so alone, as a child… that the same anxiety you felt as a child is triggered presently when you feel attachment to a romantic figure?

anita

July 10, 2016 at 11:59 am #109315

G
Participant

Hey anita, that’s an interesting thought but no, I’m extremely close with both of my parents and always have been. I guess it is more of a problem of coming to terms with fleetingness or transience.

July 10, 2016 at 7:03 pm #109326

Anonymous
Guest

Dear norg:

What is “extremely close” with both of your parents? And what is the Extreme aspect of the closeness?

anita

July 10, 2016 at 7:15 pm #109329

Miniature Bodhisattva
Participant

Hi Norg!

One of the best books I’ve read on dating/love is “If the Buddha Dated” by Charlotte Kasl. In it she suggests when we’re scared to do this exercise – take what your fear to its most logical conclusion. It works like this…

“I’m scared of getting hurt again.”
What would happen if it did?
“I’d cry for days.”
Then what?
“I’d never date again.”
Then what?
“I’d be alone.”
Then what?
“I’d be lonely.”
Then what?
“I’d want to call my friend.”
Then what?

You get the idea. Eventually you break down it down into bite sized pieces and it’s no longer so overwhelming, and you can think about it with a clear mind.

I don’t know if that helps, but when I read your message I thought of that. Only other words I leave you with is don’t let possible worst case scenarios dictate your life. Someone once said, “I regret the things I haven’t done, more than the things I have.” You don’t know what will happen. You may fall out of love…or it may last until your dying day! Who knows!

Sending loving kindness your way.
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