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Haven't had a long term relationship for a while

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  • October 30, 2013 at 1:37 am #44564
    V
    Participant

    Hey, guys!

    Lately, I’ve been feeling rather lonely. A lot of my close friends have found their significant others, and it’s wedding season. My dating history has been horrible. My first and last serious relationship ended nearly a decade ago because he cheated on me. After that, I had a string of two month relationships that ended because they cheated on me or they were confused about another girl. Needless to say, my self esteem took an extreme nose dive. Right now, I am struggling with severe depression because of certain traumatic events that occurred in the past that I’m trying to let go of. I’m also trying to go back to school, and get back on my two feet. Recently, a good friend of mine announced that he was getting engaged, and since he was my sole confidante, it made me reevaluate why I was so hesitant about relationships. I yearn to date, but I don’t bother trying because I automatically assume they’re going to cheat on me, or that they won’t want me because I’m not put together. How did you guys start dating again after experiencing bad relationships? Is it wrong to feel lonely or yearn for a relationship when I’m working on trying to contribute to this world? Thanks for the advice, guys. I apologize for the long post.

    PS: I love this website.

    October 30, 2013 at 5:17 pm #44649
    Matt
    Participant

    V,

    I’m sorry that you’ve had some bad experiences in the past, both in the relationships and the earlier icky stuff. Sometimes we feel ashamed of who we are, and that can lead us to assume that others will treat us as we have been treated in the past, as though somehow our past has branded us “that kind of person”. I’d bet that most people aren’t “put together” as we all have our stuff we have yet to work through. So don’t despair, you’re walking a good path and asking great questions! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    First, the heart wants what it wants. Not “is it OK to want romance?” I can respect the desire to be skillful in your desires, such as asking something like “is it OK to punch people in the face?” and wait for some advice on more constructive things to do with your energy. Romance isn’t afflictive like aggression, so there is no yes or no to it. Are you ready? Do you know what you want? Do you know what you enjoy about yourself and in a partner? Those are the questions to answer… the “is my desire ok to have” is always yes.

    That being said, if the abuse afflicted upon you in the past is stunting your courage and openness, it might be far easier to settle that before trying again. Its plausible that your unhealed bits of pattern you have lead you to become attracted to the wrong types of guys, or your low self esteem leads you to compromise on people that don’t resonate with you simply because they notice you/are interested in you.

    Perhaps, depending on where you’re at above and beyond what you’ve mentioned already, it would be good to dive into some of your hobbies and interests. Said differently, go play, find what makes you happy. The world gets dark if we spend too much time sifting through the dirt. Remember that this is a beautiful world, full of light and love (including you!), but its up to us to create it… to step forward along our path and find our happiness.

    Said differently, perhaps as you get into habits of self nurturing, the icky bits will slide away much easier, more simply. After all, the main thing healing takes is some compassion and elbow grease. 🙂 Have you looked into metta meditation? Its quite magical.

    Namaste, dear sister, I hope you find love and light as you dance down your path.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 31, 2013 at 9:26 am #44673
    memm
    Participant

    I’ve been struggling with loneliness myself but recently I feel like my condition (if you want to call it that) has improved, here’s what helped me the most (and still is):

    A good friend and time.

    It’s really good to find someone you can talk to about anything that comes to mind and unfortunately getting over things does take some time, for me it took several months, but considering how badly I felt that’s not very long at all.

    I still have my ups and downs but the downs aren’t as bad anymore and getting better, I also looked up Metta meditation yesterday and I can recommend it, or even just sitting down for an hour with your eyes closed and actively sorting through your feelings and thoughts. I have found that things like the internet are really good at distracting you from sitting down and actually working through things, it’s too easy to escape the bad feelings by heading online or doing other things but that doesn’t make them go away, you need to actually have some quiet time to sort it all out internally.

    So I suppose it’s like three components:

    1) Talking with someone about everything, or writing it down
    2) Sitting down quietly and sorting through your thoughts and emotions, just let yourself be sad or lonely or anything else you want to feel, actively work on it
    3) Realise it’ll take some time to sort through everything

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by memm.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by memm.
    October 31, 2013 at 9:37 am #44676
    memm
    Participant

    PS: this is just my experience thus far, but I hope it helps.

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