Home→Forums→Relationships→Having trouble breaking the cycle
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January 2, 2018 at 3:07 pm #184739
OliviaParticipantHello,
So back in September last year me and my ex, who was long distance by the way, broke up. He did it after disappearing for a month and then explaining and apologizing about wanting to move on with another girl. I was obviously hurt, I saw a lot in him over the mere three months we were together. He was confused at why I still loved him after a month of him not being there, and then went on to tell me that everything we had was all a ‘silly crush’ to him. He also seemed keen to not give us another chance. Since then, I have had trouble finding happiness again. I suffer from depression and anxiety, so I’m going through cycles of depression, strength, anxiety, and then depression again. The last I spoke to him was over 3 months ago now, when he kept on messaging me asking me if I was okay. As soon as I said I was okay, he stopped speaking to me, but I kept him in my contacts just in case. However, after posting a picture of him and his new girlfriend on social media, I felt enraged and deleted him. I felt like my presence was only there for him to use as a stepping stone to greater people. Our relationship was smooth, we had a couple spikes due to my anxiety but he always reassured me that everything would be fine. I haven’t felt this way before, like I can’t ever escape my unhappiness, because I really loved the guy even though we had never met (we had plans to prior, but he later brushed them off as stupid). I know the way he treated me then, and how he assumed that I’d fall out of love with him if he disappeared, was bad, but I blame myself slightly and still want him back. Maybe I fell in love too fast, and I will learn from that mistake, but I can’t bring myself to make a change to my life. If anyone could help me with finding some more happiness in my life, I would be very thankful. I just feel betrayed, as I was always there for him, helped him through every struggle he had, and showed him that he was always loved. I feel like he was using me all along.
Regards
January 3, 2018 at 7:41 am #184851
AnonymousGuestDear Olivia:
I hope you feel better soon.
You wrote that when you saw a photo of him and his girlfriend on social media, you felt that your “presence was only there for him to use as a stepping stone to greater people”-
Your presence in his life was not a physical presence, it was an online, maybe phone presence. Her presence in his life is physical. It was possible for him to have a picture with her because of that physical presence.
Your relationship with him, online, maybe phone, lasted three months. The third month he was absent. You were as loving to him as you can be, in the online context. Some people prefer no physical contact relationships because they are safer, a sort of protection to being rejected… in person, protected by the distance. Other people prefer physical relationships.
Do you prefer no physical contact relationships?
anita
January 4, 2018 at 6:47 am #184993
ElianaParticipantHi Olivia,
Since you said you never met him, I am assuming you met him on an online dating site, or Facebook, or other social media? Unfortunately, these type of relationships rarely work out..if all all. I sadly never learned my lesson, and would get one friend request, after another on Facebook..and then the friendship processes to more “attachment and bonding”..infatuation, set in..I fell in love, or so I thought it was love, has the giddiness, butterflies and everything. Everyday, I could not wait to get online to check to see if they had messenger me, and my heart would skip a best if they did. Gradually the e-mails turned into “I love you” and we would make “plans” on “someday meeting..(which never happened)..we would Video chat every day.
Same thing happened to me over and over..suddenly one day everything seemed great, then they would get cold, distant, uninterested, and I would see “romantic quotes” to other women. I would be devastated. Long distance online relationships are not real relationships, they may seem, like it, but they are illusions of what we want in our fantasy. We think they are the real deal, but these men will say anything to bolster our confidence, and tell us lies. We really do not know who is behind the screen..they may be married, in an arranged mnarriage, cheating on their girlfriend, talking to several, other women on the internet, etc. I had to finally delete my profile off all online dating and social media, and whatever you do, don’t look at his profile or “follow him”. It will only make you miserable. Many of these men are scammers or catphishers not the real deal. Best to meet someone local.
January 4, 2018 at 11:22 am #185067OliviaParticipantBecause of my anxiety I find communicating behind a screen much more relaxing, since I won’t slip up on my words or have my face go bright red. And of course being rejected with a distance barrier is nicer, since I don’t have to fret about seeing him. I did want to meet him though, I wanted a physical relationship eventually. But I think that I need to find a way to help me be happy with myself before I try dating again, I am struggling though.
I can relate to that greatly.. He was an important aspect of my life and I thought that feeling was mutual. Sadly I didn’t realise the slim success rate of online relationships at the time so maybe if I’d known that it wouldn’t have been so much of a letdown. I currently don’t have him on any social media, although I am having to avoid some things like songs and such as they remind me of him. I will gladly follow your advice when I feel ready to date again.
January 4, 2018 at 11:56 am #185073AnonymousGuestDear Olivia:
I can understand online communication being easier, for an anxious person.
Quite a few threads today have been about anxiety. If you’d like, you can read those.
I read others post a similar thought to yours: “I need to find a way to help me be happy with myself before I try dating again”. My experience and my reading of others’ experience, is that no matter how long you work on yourself when not in a relationship, once you are getting into a relationship, same old fears emerge anew. This is because we cannot work on relationship issues unless we are in a relationship.
I hope you post again.
anita
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