After a breakup, people go through six stages of recovery: 1) Denial, 2) Anger 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance, 6) Recovery.

Bargaining is the stage where most people get stuck. This is the place that determines if you will be heartbroken for a few days or many years. When you bargain, you still allow yourself to hope. Daydreaming and thinking about your ex is a symptom. Asking her to give it another chance is a symptom. Listening to music that reminds you of her and stokes the flames, is a symptom. Looking at caller i.d. and hoping it is her, is a symptom. As long as you hold onto an unrealistic hope that you will get back together, you will suffer.

Have you ever had an addiction you had to give up? I remember when I quit smoking cigarettes…it helped me to think of cigarettes as an ex-boyfriend that I loved very much, but who was absolutely terrible to me. Quitting smoking was my number one job for a while. Getting over an old love is very much like that. There is, if you are honest, a certain perverse pleasure that comes from thoughts of the past. Often, it is not the person that we miss (if we are honest and have a good memory of all the pain we went through when we were together) but we miss the physical high we felt (because of elevated hormones, PEA, serotonin) or even the physical “high” we get through experiencing stress and drama.

Thinking about your ex every day is part of that addiction. You will naturally think of her, but it is within your power to choose whether or not you will nourish those thoughts by giving in to them. Yes, you’ll still feel like hell at first, but, give it time, you will feel better. Remember, emotions are not real…they come through you but do not stay. Love is much much more than emotion.

Remember, most of this is coming from your subconscious. It wouldn’t hurt to try some self-hypnosis tapes…there are many on this subject.

One very simple thing that can help is to make a list of, say, ten things that give you pleasure (obviously, not involving your ex.) It could be a thought of a person, place, activity, memory. Maybe you could plan your dream vacation, build your own mental castle, write a novel in your head. Give it some thought ahead of time, then when unwanted thoughts come into your head, gently push them away and replace with one of your happy thoughts.

Sending you love and light!

Hi R,

I was moved to register for the site here and join these forums because your post resonates very strongly with me. I hope that what I have to say may make some sort of difference to you in a positive way.

Like yourself, I am an (almost) 40 year old guy. As I type this, I am sitting in what was once the bedroom of the house I am losing. I will be moving across the country in a couple of hours, driving back to my parent’s house, to try to figure out what I am going to do.

Came out of a relationship with a wonderful woman who I connected with and love very much. We are still close friends, but losing the romantic part of our relationship was one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with.

I say these things not to inspire pity or anything, but to illustrate that I have been in a similar place as you. So many relationships failed, so many connections lost. This is what I have learned, and I hope it helps:

1. It is what it is. Seems simple and even flippant. But it sums up Acceptance, which to me is the most important step of moving forward. She is gone, and nothing I can do will bring her back.

2. It takes two to make a relationship work. In my case, I certainly played a role in the downfall of our relationship through insecurity and co-dependent behavior. Recognizing this led me to search for the roots of those insecurities and I’m working on those things. She also played a role, and I cannot be responsible for the role she played. The same is most likely true for your situation as well.

3. I want somebody. I want a partner to share life with. However, I do not NEED somebody. Being happy and whole in my own skin is something that is new to me, and it is still a work in progress. The ability to look back at times in that relationship and others which caused me pain is good because I have been able to laugh and be glad that I don’t have to deal with THAT particular brand of strife. Try new things, new hobbies, go new places. Try to look at it from a perspective of now you are not chained down with obligation to anyone but you. You are free!

I wrote journals to deal with my strife and pain. I wrote letters to her that I never sent and never would. But venting that pain, getting it out of your head, is crucial.

Most important I think is time. There is no formula that says you should be over it by now. It will happen in its’ own time, but you can help the process along. Vent, work on yourself, move forward.

I read this over and I hope it does not come across snarky or mean. I mean it with the best of intentions. There is so much more I could say about where I have been and what I have done to get past it, and if you want any help or advice or anecdotes I am happy to share.

You can’t stop the thoughts so long as you focus on them. If you feed them, they will keep coming around. I truly think there is an addiction mechanism at work when it comes to this type of situation. Though on one level you don’t want to think about her, on a deeper level it satisfies a need for certainty. You really can’t know what they are doing, so you fill in the blanks yourself. And it hurts, but nothing is more frightening than the fear of the unknown.

It helped me a lot to become more conscious of my own thoughts. Do some research on intrusive thoughts. When thoughts turn to her, practice recognizing it and addressing those thoughts. Be gentle with yourself, but firm at the same time. Practice being at peace with uncertainty. This goes for what she is doing and your own future. Easier said than done, of course. But it gets easier with practice, it really does!

Hey R,

I feel the same as you do. It is now 9 months since i and my ex broke up but i stuck in the past and i m still missing him. I am asking the same question everyday if it is normal that after 9 months still being in love. I am living now in a foreign country (he is native here). My friends say that what i feel is not love but just being alone in a foreign country so i have to turn back to my country then everything will be fine. I am not sure if this is love, or low self-esteem or whatever. But i am waking up everyday with his name in my mind. He has moved on already and he is dating with a new girl, and i am feeling a big pain inside. I dont know what to do.

And about your age issues i turned 30 and it is also a turning point for a woman. I can understand your feelings. All my friends around me have either married or have a long term happy relationships. I feel unsuccessful and blaming on me about the breakup. Because i figured out after this break-up that i am a very difficult person to be satisfied and i m not good at showing my feelings and my love. I feel like it was me who destroyed this relationship and feeling guilty is making me stuck in the past.

we have to concentrate positive things and all the advices above are right, i hope we can apply them practically..

Take care,

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by elephantgirl.

@Silky Thank you for answering.

I read your story above. I am sorry for the times you suffered. Actually she hasn`t found a new love, she came back together with her ex-ex bf. She seems to be confused. Please do not be angry to me but i do not think that would be problem that he is so religous and she is atheist. If they know that from the beginning and accept each other in that way, it wont be a problem.

Silky there is no hope for my relationship too. We met today and he was telling me his new dates. What do you think should i keep listen his stories about girls? I am feeling sad if i hear but if i do not listen then i wonder what is going on in his life. I dont know what to do.