July 10, 2014 at 10:09 am #60547
A couple of days ago me and my ex boyfriend broke up, it was a year and a half of what can only be described as mental and emotional torture. Prior to this the ex I was with another for a year.. that relationship was exactly the same, we’d ague a lot, at least every week, I’d get blamed for the argument and believe I was to blame which ended up in me crying for forgiveness and promising to do better. I am now at the point where I feel completely lost and exhausted, not to mention completely lacking self esteem and confidence from the outcome of both relationships. There was a point last month where my now ex boyfriend from a few days ago and I were arguing and I pushed and hit him out of sheer frustration, the “it’s you, you need to change, why can’t you just be normal” had just got to me after a year and a half and I completely snapped. I’m not excusing any of my actions but I have now come to a point where I feel just completely filled with guilt and worthless. The happy, bubbly girl that I used to see in the mirror 3 years ago is not there anymore. All I see now is an unhappy, empty and depressed person. This isn’t who I want to be anymore. For me the two relationships I’ve had over the course of 3 years have just worn me down mentally and emotionally and now that it’s all over I don’t know what to do? I want to build myself up to that happy, bubbly girl I once was but I’m so scared that she’s gone forever. The toxicity of the relationships have taken me over and I just don’t know who I am anymore. Worst is that now I’m not sure how to move forward in my life because I’ve been so used to 3 years of arguments and put downs. Please if anyone could advise me on how to get myself back I’d be so grateful as I’ve never felt as lost and worthless as I do now.July 10, 2014 at 9:50 pm #60609flybyParticipant
I get this… as I am finally on the other side of it, or at least definitively over the worst of it. Mine came in the form of one guy who was bipolar and failed to mention this or take his meds after losing insurance and a job. He was a wolf in sheeps clothing and before I knew it, I was seemingly devoured and what remained was battered (literally) and a pale person.
So the main thing is, you recognize that this is happening and you are wanting to be back to you, whoever that may be. But it is something (at least I feel like) is impossible to control. There are too many outside factors at work that you can’t battle consciously, and you just have to accept that you are in there somewhere, you just have retreated, which is a safety mechanism to preserve what bare bones are at the base of your personality.
you’ve been off to war and you may never be the same again, but you aren’t gone. And that/those a**hole(s) will eventually be the thing that makes you keep a greater part of yourself in the future.
I have flashbacks of who I was then, now. I knew i was that person at the time, but I excused it and thought no one could possibly take it away
honey, its time to be selfish for a while.July 11, 2014 at 5:29 am #60621
@flyby thankyou for sharing that with me you have no idea how helpful it’s been and it’s made me feel a lot stronger in myself already. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience but I’m glad you are past the worst of it and are getting stronger. If you’d have met me 5 years ago I wouldn’t have batted and eyelid at my ex and moved on ASAP, just crazy how quickly you can get sucked into these things! I’m slowly coming to terms and learning that it’s okay to be by myself. I’m writing a lot in my journal at the moment which helps get me through the day 🙂 What were some of the things that got you through your experience if you don’t mind me asking?July 11, 2014 at 6:59 am #60624lissyParticipant
Hi there tiny butterfly. As I read your story I couldn’t help but envision myself in the same way. I have been (and still am) in a relationship that has changed my core. I never used to cry for everything. Now I have become so broken and sensitive that I cry for every emotion that I feel. Sometimes that can be a very bad thing (for me). I feel that I no longer have control of those emotions, and that this strong woman that I once was is no longer here. I cry when im angry, sad, confused, etc. I have gone through A LOT with my guy of 6 years. And I mean A LOT. I too have come to the desperate point of getting so angry and things he did at one point and enraged that I hit him. I never ever thought that I could be even capable of doing that to anyone. But I did. And I feel terrible with myself for letting his actions get me so worked up and out of control that it drove me to that point. That’s not the person I wanted to be. We broke up for about 9 months, separated, moved away from each other (we lived together), and we got back together (and moved back in together) in March. Things have been…hard. But I have made the choice to work on things and so has he. We have a child together, so it makes things different. I have also made the choice to work on myself. That is what I suggest to you. You need to go searching for the new you. You will never get that old you back. That person has had trauma happen in her life. I say trauma because what you have gone through has changed YOU. But you can build yourself back up. I say write down the things you treasured the most about yourself and try you hardest to tap into those things again. Maybe at this point in life you will have learned a lot about yourself from these relationships. For example, who you do NOT want to be. Also writing is so therapeutic. You can lose yourself in writing close the entire world out and just literally take your thoughts and put them on paper. It’s like talking, but to your notebook. When I find I am going through a moment, or I feel a bad thing coming on, I go to my notebook and take a deep breath. Writing what I am feeling at that exact moment is like having someone listening to me (when I don’t have anyone to talk to). Try it and let us know how it goes 🙂July 11, 2014 at 11:04 am #60636
Hi lissy, thankyou for sharing your story and difficult time with me it’s definitely been more than helpful. Your story for me is inspiring as not only have you had your own struggles in the relationship you still have managed to work on yourself throughout them. That takes a lot of strength. Through writing as you have said I can already see a positive effect it has and I will definitely be doing a lot more. It’s a rather unsettling time but knowing there are others out there that have been through this and are going through similar situations makes things better. I will definitely be letting you know how I get on and thankyou again. I hope you to have found some comfort in this post in the way that I have 🙂July 11, 2014 at 12:41 pm #60641JaneParticipant
Hey tiny butterfly – I’m glad I stumbled on your post because I can sure relate! I’m sorry to hear what your going through and I wish you much strength. It’s easy to let others affect how you feel and act especially when you love that person. It’s a good start that you are realizing what you’ve done and how you feel though, cause from there you can work on yourself little by little. I know how it is to be so angry and become provoked to hit the person you love.. its all the bottled up anger as you know. I’ve done this myself unfortunately. At this point, its been done. You’ve apologized I’m sure to him so let it be. Just know that it was wrong and you will not resort to that again. We all make mistakes, its the not realizing and willingness to change that is wrong. Do yourself a favor and let the heavy guilt go. I know the pain of a breakups as I was depressed for many years after an 8 year relationship and what I have learned is to be kinda and gentle with myself as much as you can and feel whatever emotion you need to go through – try not to resist it. I come to realize that the pain and arguments are due to my urge to control what I want and foresee things to be when we can’t think that way. We cannot control others. They will be how they will be and the only control we have is over ourselves. Make this your priority right now. Do things that make you feel happy and full filled. If you need day of crying and listening to sad music then do it but do wallow in it. We come into this life by ourselves and we will leave by ourselves. These people and experiences come and go and we have one life to chose to let it affect us or jsut go with it and trust life itself. Its hard, but I am constantly working on my mind, thought patterns and living in the present as best I can. Its quite freeing when you surrender actually. Do you meditate? Mediation has helped me so much I can’t even tell you. Sending love and strength your way! xoxoJuly 15, 2014 at 8:54 am #60958
Hi Jane, thankyou for your kind words and advice. I am currently doing my best to put myself first and getting into a routine of practicing mindfulness and meditation on a daily basis. I find allowing myself to recognise my thoughts and not let them consume me to be very beneficial. It helps when I get overwhelmed with anxiety. I found a lot of comfort in your words as they speak such truth. We do really come into this life and will leave alone and I take great comfort in knowing now whatever life hands me I will do my best to handle it. Writing has been so therapeutic and will continue to be on my journey of personal growth and I look forward to becoming a healthier individual for it. Thankyou so much Jane. Love and hugs are sent your way xxJuly 19, 2014 at 3:02 pm #61265HelenParticipant
Hello dear tiny butterfly
I read your story and can somewhat rely to it. What I believe is, we need to be at peace with ourselves. Yes, it is true that other people may bring out the worst in us. But then, we can decide to either work on these things for ourselves or to let these people go out of our lives. The problem is, you cannot blame it all on others – or yourself. It’s the dynamics of certain people, two scarred and scared souls colliding and in that process hurting each other, that’s what makes us snap.
I would say, take time for yourself. Heal, cry, be angry. But let it go. As much pain and suffering that these relationships have caused you, you will also take valuable lessons from them. Now though, it is time to focus on who YOU want to be. That bubbly, happy girl is inside of you! Make her shine, make her come out again! Do things you love, meet people and family who make you feel wonderful or meet new people. And if you feel you can’t do it alone – that’s ok. That’s why we need to ask for help sometimes.
I wish you all the best. Love yourself, don’t rely on others to fill you with love.
H.July 20, 2014 at 1:10 am #61280Warrior of LightParticipant
Hello Tiny Butterfly.
I’m intrigued by your story. Thanks for sharing it with us.
As much as you might not like hearing this… you are in a great place for healing and transformation to occur.
I have always been interested in what in us attracts certain people into our lives. I don’t wholly believe things happen by mere coincidence, but result from cause-effect relationships. I would ask my self (which I’ve done) some questions like: “Why am I attracted to these types people”? “What about me finds some form of security in these relationships”? (I only say this because you stayed in these types of relationships for the past 3yrs). “What is this emptiness feeling and how am I trying to fill the void”? “What do I need in a (healthy) relationship”? My goal in asking myself such questions is to figure out what’s REALLY going on inside.
This quote you used in your original post – “I want to build myself up to that happy, bubbly girl I once was but I’m so scared that she’s gone forever” – I found interesting. Your desire to “build myself up” seems like a mask, a false persona, an inauthentic “this-is-not-who-I-TRULY-am identity to hide those vulnerable, afraid, hurt parts of ourselves we don’t want others to see. While I don’t know exactly what you are going through, I know what if feels like to feel utterly lost. What I learned from my lostness was I wasn’t being the REAL me. Basically I was a poser. I showed everybody a false persona to cover up deep (often subconscious) wounds so people couldn’t see my vulnerability. The lostness arose when I started to challenge the poser and get in touch with the deep wounds of my past because I started to realize my self-identity was based all on defenses created to protect my vulnerability.
I will end this with 2 quotes:
“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it” Eckhart Tolle
“The most powerful moments in our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection, and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles” – Brene Brown