Dear MissUnderstood:

From the little information I have I would say that I don’t see a reason why you can’t trust him. He may very well be a trustworthy man.

You wrote that when he was single he did meet women at bars and went home with them with the intent to have sex. It makes sense then that he met this woman while in the relationship with you and took her home with the same intent, as he said he did. It would read likely to be dishonest, to me, if he told you that he blacked out and found himself with her at his home or that he brought her to his place just for company.

It also reads honest to me that part of the reason he didn’t have sexual intercourse with her was because he didn’t have a condom around. First, it suggests that he is not prepared to have sex with women he meets at bars, not having condoms in his place for that purpose. And then it reads more honest than if he would have not mentioned the condom, telling you that the only reason he didn’t have sex with her was because of his loyalty to you.

I would say that this incident requires an improvement in communication between the two of you and a discussion of what he will do differently next time he finds himself in a similar situation, what he will do instead of going home with a woman.

Improving communication so to prevent any fighting between the two of you (unlike conventional thinking, fighting/arguing is not necessary in a relationship!) will make it way less likely that cheating will occur. The less distress in a relationship, the less motivation a person has to find relief elsewhere.

anita

Dear MissUnderstood:

You are welcome.

Reads to me that the reason for that night may very well be something like this: he didn’t sleep well the night before and was tired that day, distressed over making less money and over the anniversary of him losing a limb and living without a limb every day since. So he went to a bar as it is his habit and not something you disapprove of, as I understand it. In the bar he drinks and then drinks some more, more than the usual. More alcohol, less judgment, and he forgets almost that he is in a relationship, not having in mind your value in his life, forgetting. There is a woman there and the habit of before, of  picking up a woman and taking her home is activated.

“can a person truly love someone and want to be with them but cheat on them?”- if my scenario is true to the reality of what happened that night, or close enough, then my answer is: yes, a person can truly love anther and do what he did because he was tired, distressed, drunk and an old habit resumed. He wasn’t thinking.

And if I am correct, his habit of going to a bar without you may be questioned now. I think it has to be.

anita

Dear MissUnderstood:

One more thing: he may have moved the picture, alarmed by the idea that you are seeing, kind of, that he had another woman in his place, feeling guilty. Guilt may have motivated him to put away your photo, (not an intent that she doesn’t see your photo).

anita

Dear MissUnderstood,

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I don’t believe anyone should feel that kind of pain. But I do now believe that uneventful events like this happen to us as lessons and perhaps opportunities. How we treat others and what we do with their trust reflects deeply on our relationship with ourselves. One way you can help each other through this is to encourage each other to work on yourselves more (self-love), and only then you’ll be able to connect together, at the level you want and need.

There may be some issues he needs to look into for cheating on himself when he decided to put your relationship on the line. Why did he do something knowing that it would affect something so precious to him? It was a conscious decision. Why did he feel the need to hurt himself that way? The emotions that he is/was feeling needs to recognized, expressed and released. We are the mirror of our actions. There are many triggers that may have set him off to act the way he did, and zooming in on those triggers will help him understand why he hurt himself that way. It will help him heal. Zooming in on why he makes you feel so insecure will help you understand yourself better. When we truly learn to love ourselves so deeply, no one will ever be able to dim the light nor make us feel less about who we are.

You should also know, you are enough. In every form and way, you are truly amazingly, enough. This is an opportunity for you to look deeper and get to know yourself, understand that you do not need his nor anyone’s attention or reassurance to feel the amazingness, the wholesomeness of *you*.

Your relationships with yourself will be reflective of your relationship and communication with each other. Relationships are the sure fast ways to bring up all our issues, be it conscious or unconscious. And each year into the relationship will bring about new lessons, giving you the opportunity to grow in the union and more importantly as individuals. You can only love another, as deeply as you love yourself.

I’m glad to hear you’ve decided to work on this. It’s not going to be an easy journey, but it’s going to be such a breakthrough into getting to know yourself deeper. Communicating with yourself on a deeper level. And finding in each other, the love you feel so fiercely for yourself.

J