July 12, 2018 at 8:18 am #216371
long story short my BF and I have been together almost 2 years. We get along great, have a great time together, are in love, have good sex, good conversation, are there for each other etc. 5 weeks ago I found out he cheated on me. He supposedly did not have sex with her but brought her home from the bar, made out and decided he “couldnt do this”… regardless of I an convince myself that he is telling the truth… he still cheated no matter what. Well this situation has unleashed some deep emotions I didnt even know I had. First, of all, after a lot of talking and crying and apologizing we decided to give this a chance. but now five weeks later I feel so sensitive and emotional and insecure about myself and so needy when it comes to his affection. I crave it constantly and I hate the way I feel. I am normally a happy, easy going, confident, bubbly, non-needy person! And Now I feel the complete opposite and I am afraid I am pushing him away with my neediness (and yes I know it sounds crazy that I am scared to push him away when he is the one who cheated)!! Please help!July 12, 2018 at 9:12 am #216417
I believe that the situation needs a closer look. I need to understand better, therefore I ask:
He went to a bar, met a woman there and brought her to his home. Is he in the habit of going to a bar or bars, alone, with friends; f not, what were the circumstances of that particular visit at the bar?
Another thing, if he was not in the habit of going to bars by himself and flirting with women there, if this was a one time thing, and nothing sexual happened, why did he tell you, I wonder. Do you know?
anitaJuly 12, 2018 at 11:02 am #216441
He has always be “a loner” per say. He doesnt mind doing things by himself so it is not rare for him to be at a bar or anywhere by himself. Yes he met her at the bar, brought her home with the intent to have sex, they made out, went to the bedroom and for multiple reasons (no condom, she was on period and he realized he “couldnt do this”) they did not have sex. He did not tell me…. I noticed a picture of mine was misplaced and I pried the information out of him until finally he admitted this story to me. When he was single he did pick up women in bars but we have been together two years. He has never cheated on me before that I know of. I want to believe that is true. I do know he was feeling down and out at this time for several reasons (not that it is an excuse at all) but that is the only reason I can come up – maybe he needed an ego boost? I dont know! We have talked and talked and we both have cried. and he has swore up and down this was an awful mistake and that he wants to in a fully committed loyal relationship with me. But my emotions are crazy and its like a roller coaster and sometimes I dont know if it is getting better or worse. Do I trust him? Do you think he can be trusted?July 12, 2018 at 1:20 pm #216449
Did he tell you why he took her home? Would those be the same reasons on why he will cheat again? If so then how can he guarantee that he won't do it again?
I remember a story of a wife who told her husband that the next time he cheated that he would have to give up his most prized possession. This way he would think twice before considering doing it again. I think it was his boat. You might come to an agreement with that in mind.
MarkJuly 13, 2018 at 6:11 am #216503
From the little information I have I would say that I don't see a reason why you can't trust him. He may very well be a trustworthy man.
You wrote that when he was single he did meet women at bars and went home with them with the intent to have sex. It makes sense then that he met this woman while in the relationship with you and took her home with the same intent, as he said he did. It would read likely to be dishonest, to me, if he told you that he blacked out and found himself with her at his home or that he brought her to his place just for company.
It also reads honest to me that part of the reason he didn't have sexual intercourse with her was because he didn't have a condom around. First, it suggests that he is not prepared to have sex with women he meets at bars, not having condoms in his place for that purpose. And then it reads more honest than if he would have not mentioned the condom, telling you that the only reason he didn't have sex with her was because of his loyalty to you.
I would say that this incident requires an improvement in communication between the two of you and a discussion of what he will do differently next time he finds himself in a similar situation, what he will do instead of going home with a woman.
Improving communication so to prevent any fighting between the two of you (unlike conventional thinking, fighting/arguing is not necessary in a relationship!) will make it way less likely that cheating will occur. The less distress in a relationship, the less motivation a person has to find relief elsewhere.
July 13, 2018 at 8:53 am #216531
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
Mark – His reason was he was drunk…although he admitted he knew what he was doing. We “philosophized” about the reasons and although we could not pin point one… he did mention he had switched jobs recently and is not making the money he used to and was feelin bad about himself, it was the anniversary of a very bad injury he had (27 years ago) which caused him to lose a limb, he had been looking for a roomate and I told him I would NOT be okay with him having a female roomate and maybe he was retaliating. All of the above were “reasons” why. We have a great relationship, we have fun, we really dont fight, we have a lot of sex…so I was confused and HEARTBROKEN that this happenEd. I just want to be able to trust him again. I do feel like it was an “ego” thing for him… like “I still go it”. I dont know. I would like to think that…maybe?
If he does cheat again he will be loosing one of his most prized possessions….. ME!
Does it sound to you like was a one time thing? Do his reasons make sense?July 13, 2018 at 9:00 am #216533
Anita – thank you!! I really needed to hear all of that. It is crazy thought because there is hardly, if ANY, distress in our relationship prior to this. We just came back from a weeks vacation and we had a blast. we get along on a daily basis, we arent stuck up each other butt, we give the space we need and spent the time together we need. So it came as a complete shock to me. Which scared me because if our relationship is “seemingly perfect” then did this happen before and will it happen again? Thats what leads me to believe it was something within himself. But yes I agree – I do not like to argue. and even during this whole situation we havent argured. We have had adult communication/conversation about where we stand and what we want out of this relationship together. and if it wasnt clear as day before that cheating is NOT OKAY, I have made it very clear that will NOT be okay next time. But I would rather him be honest than to lie to me. so I do appreciate that. What do you think?? And can a person truly love someone and want to be with them but cheat on them?July 13, 2018 at 9:07 am #216537
Is it a one time thing? I don't know.
So what has he said about being drunk again? What will keep him from doing it again?
What has he said about the next time when he is feeling bad about himself? What will he do to deal with that?
What has he said about the next time he gets mad at you or the next time you tell him something that he does not like? Will he retaliate again like that? What more productive practices will he commit to instead?
Unless those reasons are *addressed* so when the next time one of those things happen then I won't trust him. What assurances can he give that it won't happen again besides telling you that it won't happen again? He needs to have tools to deal with those situations, i.e. being drunk, feeling bad about himself, being resentful to you, etc. Until he has non-destructive ways of dealing with life, then he may do it again.
MarkJuly 13, 2018 at 9:48 am #216543
You are welcome.
Reads to me that the reason for that night may very well be something like this: he didn't sleep well the night before and was tired that day, distressed over making less money and over the anniversary of him losing a limb and living without a limb every day since. So he went to a bar as it is his habit and not something you disapprove of, as I understand it. In the bar he drinks and then drinks some more, more than the usual. More alcohol, less judgment, and he forgets almost that he is in a relationship, not having in mind your value in his life, forgetting. There is a woman there and the habit of before, of picking up a woman and taking her home is activated.
“can a person truly love someone and want to be with them but cheat on them?”- if my scenario is true to the reality of what happened that night, or close enough, then my answer is: yes, a person can truly love anther and do what he did because he was tired, distressed, drunk and an old habit resumed. He wasn't thinking.
And if I am correct, his habit of going to a bar without you may be questioned now. I think it has to be.
anitaJuly 13, 2018 at 10:52 am #216549
mark – you are correct in addressing these issues. He himself has said that he has a history of sabotaging good things in his life. We did address the drinking and he said as soon as he starts drinking shots (whiskey in particular) he knows its bad news and has said that he needs to calm down on the drinking, especially shots and especially when I am not around. I do see progress in this area since the event. I guess we really didnt discuss the rest (retaliation, him feeling down etc). Thank you for all of you input and if you have any more please feel free to share! Thanks!July 13, 2018 at 10:54 am #216555
I do hope your take on this is true! I would love to believe all of that. Although I know he was thinking very well actually because he “thought” to move my picture. To hide it so that he could have her up to his room. UGH. that part HURTS in my gut!!July 13, 2018 at 11:02 am #216557
Well I did write almost in “he forgets almost that he is in a relationship, not having in mind your value in his life”. He didn't black out after all, didn't lose consciousness. He brought her to his place, sees your picture, “oh, oh” he says to himself, moves the picture, forgets to move it back to the way it was.
I wish it didn't happen and he bears responsibility of course for hurting you this way. I hope he understands how serious his offense has been and how much it distresses you and that he will do all in his power and more so that it doesn't happen again.
anitaJuly 13, 2018 at 11:10 am #216561
One more thing: he may have moved the picture, alarmed by the idea that you are seeing, kind of, that he had another woman in his place, feeling guilty. Guilt may have motivated him to put away your photo, (not an intent that she doesn't see your photo).
anitaJuly 13, 2018 at 11:38 am #216567
I thought about the the guilt thing too. She supposedly knew about me and he knew about her husband so I am not sure why else he would have to move my picture if she already knew and didnt care. So I guess the “guilt” is a better scenerio than him trying to HIDE me. … I think… I hope. I have ALWAYS said I would never stay if someone cheated on me. This is the first time I have been in a situation like this and I am trying to get over it. Now its more about the betrayal and the insecurities it brought out in me. And I am almost “disappointed” in myself for staying because it is against what I always said I would do. But I guess you never know until you are in a situation. I have very good intuition so I just have to trust that if this happens again I will find out and I will know what to do. He can have this “get out of jail free” card for now. If he is being honest about the situation and the reasoning etc. Its still hard to think someone was being untrue to me and this is supposed to be my partner. I guess time will tell if I will truly be able to accept this or not. Right now I am trying But I have not gotten to the acceptance part of it yet.July 13, 2018 at 12:37 pm #216553
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't believe anyone should feel that kind of pain. But I do now believe that uneventful events like this happen to us as lessons and perhaps opportunities. How we treat others and what we do with their trust reflects deeply on our relationship with ourselves. One way you can help each other through this is to encourage each other to work on yourselves more (self-love), and only then you'll be able to connect together, at the level you want and need.
There may be some issues he needs to look into for cheating on himself when he decided to put your relationship on the line. Why did he do something knowing that it would affect something so precious to him? It was a conscious decision. Why did he feel the need to hurt himself that way? The emotions that he is/was feeling needs to recognized, expressed and released. We are the mirror of our actions. There are many triggers that may have set him off to act the way he did, and zooming in on those triggers will help him understand why he hurt himself that way. It will help him heal. Zooming in on why he makes you feel so insecure will help you understand yourself better. When we truly learn to love ourselves so deeply, no one will ever be able to dim the light nor make us feel less about who we are.
You should also know, you are enough. In every form and way, you are truly amazingly, enough. This is an opportunity for you to look deeper and get to know yourself, understand that you do not need his nor anyone's attention or reassurance to feel the amazingness, the wholesomeness of *you*.
Your relationships with yourself will be reflective of your relationship and communication with each other. Relationships are the sure fast ways to bring up all our issues, be it conscious or unconscious. And each year into the relationship will bring about new lessons, giving you the opportunity to grow in the union and more importantly as individuals. You can only love another, as deeply as you love yourself.
I'm glad to hear you've decided to work on this. It's not going to be an easy journey, but it's going to be such a breakthrough into getting to know yourself deeper. Communicating with yourself on a deeper level. And finding in each other, the love you feel so fiercely for yourself.