December 14, 2019 at 7:25 pm #327585HannahParticipant
This is going to be long so sorry in advance! I just wanna provide as much information as possible.
Some background on this guy we will call him Moe. Me and Moe are pretty young, still teenagers but he is a year younger than me. He has quite a reputation for being quite a player and messing around with a lot of girls. He became a fboy because he had gotten his heart broken previously but that was before we met. Moe told me in the beginning of our relationship that he never gets attached to girls ever but I landed up being the first. Moe comes from a really strict Muslim household and isn’t at all allowed to date. He has a very bad relationship with his parents and feels like his only family is his group of boys who just so happened to be involved with a lot of partying and drugs (which is pretty much the culture where we live)so he isn’t surrounded by the best influence but all his boys do really care about each other. Moe is a very emotionally disconnected person and prefers to overwork himself and suppress all his emotions instead of talking about them. Moe just prefers to put his energy into making sure everyone else is okay rather than focusing on himself.
So I met Moe in September but didn’t start talking until the beginning of October. We have mutual friends as his best friend is my really good guy friend and his best girl friend is my good friend. We connected very quickly and Moe usually gives a girl a week so he can decide whether he will hookup with her or not but I was different. Our texting turned into us calling for an hour which then turned into many more hours of being on the phone. It was all very innocent and friendly until one night he had gotten very high which he barely does and told me he thinks I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and that he is in love with my voice (he didn’t remember this the next day). Somehow we just knew we were into each other. That weekend, Moe and his boys were driving about 2 hours away to go to this huge party. I got a call at 4am from him to tell me the party was over, that he was safe and he needed my voice to fall asleep like he does every night since we started talking. He had given his phone to his best friend and his best friend told me that he wanted to know what I had done with Moe because he was so attached to me and he is never like that. That’s how I knew he was serious about me.
Moe was very bad with really expressing his true feelings for me, his insecurities, his fears and anything to do with his life problems. He honestly suppressed everything and always acted is if he was okay, he focused a lot of his energy in making sure my mental health was good because he knew that he was the first person I had opened up to about my mental health problems. He never talked about his family or really anything to do with his mental health but I always knew he resented his parents and that he was struggling with something. He overworked himself and tried to stay away from home as much as possible.
He came off really confident but he was always going on about how he feels as though he thinks that I could do better than him and that I shouldn’t be settling with a guy like him. He was just very insecure. He hated that I cared about him and wanted only the best for him. Moe was and is very good at writing his feelings.He has an instagram account which he has a few people on (not me) in which he writes his feelings.Sometimes he would let me look at it so I knew how he felt.
Me and Moe,barely saw each other as neither of us had cars and he had to rely on his friends to see me. This became a bit of a problem because we always wanted to be around each other. I was also potentially moving at the end of next year (that fell through after me and Moe ended) and that hurt Moe a lot too.Long story short me and Moe within a very short time fell in love with each other but never would admit it. We had encountered a few problems like not seeing
each other and me moving but nothing bad and nothing we couldn’t fix. We were together for only a month but it felt like we had known each other for our whole
lives. He became my best friend and I became someone he wanted to be with for a very long time. We saw a future with each other.
Then one night we were on call and I knew something was up and was about to go very wrong. Moe told me he had a breakdown and he just feels completely numb and all his emotions are gone, including his feelings for me. I told him how did he have feelings for me the whole day up until our call (we had called in the morning and texted throughout the day and he had feelings for me), I was very confused and immediatley broke down crying. Within a moment he had broken my heart. We talked things out the next day and decided that we still wanted to be friends because we deeply care about each other. He mentioned that he is a very on and off person and that at some point his feelings for me could come back but he doesn’t know for sure. He told me that for a few days he wants space but that night he called me and we talked as normal, that happened continuously for 2 weeks. He would still call me baby and be all flirty with me but he swore he just wanted to be friends.
I, of course still was and am in love with him. After those 2 weeks after our last call, we were texting and decided on having no contact because we both needed it to focus on finals for school. The day after he started streaks on snapchat with me which I couldn’t understand because that in a way is still a form of indirect
contact. About 3 weeks have gone by and he still has streaks with me, he is the first person to open my streaks (within the first minute literally), he has me on his main and private instagram, he watches all my stories and he has me on his close friends list. He wanted nothing to do with me but still keeps me at arms length
over social media. Before our no contact I asked him if he wanted his hoodie back as it is very expensive and he told me no because it is also my hoodie “our hoodie” he says. He has posted like 2 things on social media indirectly aiming them at me and our relationship (not exactly positive posts); one of them i replied to and then weeks later he posted another one and I can’t decide whether or not he was trying to get a reaction out of me. He also posted our song on his instagram a few days ago.
Then last night, I saw him at a party in which I landeded up getting his boys invited to (just his best friend/my mate but they all showed up). He avoided me for a bit which sucked, so I decided to go say hi to him. He was drinking and was pretty much drunk which confused me because he has never been a drinker and hates the taste of it. We talked for a while and then we both left. I heard him asking for ciggarettes which again is not him at all as he hates them. He was not himself the whole party as he was very down buzz and is usually always very hyped up and dancing. Even our mutual friend could see it. At one point I was dancing, going all out to make it seem like I was better off and some guy was trying to pull me into him from a distance and Moe put his leg out in front of this guy to stop him. Moe thought I couldn’t see. He was so cold towards me after we agreed to
be friends. I can’t tell whether to blame it on him being drunk or not.
At this point, I have no clue what to do! I am not over him at all and still think he is the perfect person for me. He is sending me mixed signals and I don’t know how to take them.Some people say get over him, some say fight and hold onto him. I’m so sad over him, he is constantly on my mind. I just want him to be okay. I know he is dealing with a lot and it breaks me not being able to be there for him. So I’m asking if anyone knows how I can handle this situation or relate or can tell me if his signals mean anything. Just advice in general because I am going crazy. My heart tells me to not get over him because at some point it could work but my heart could also be talking crap.
Thanks so much xDecember 15, 2019 at 11:08 am #327679anitaParticipant
What you shared: Moe and you, teenagers, met in September this year, started talking in October. Moe (from a Muslim family, where he “isn’t at all allowed to date”) is a year younger, having the reputation of being “quite a player and messing around with a lot of girls”. He told you that before he met you, a girl broke his heart, and therefore “he never gets attached to girls ever”, but he got attached to you, and the two of you proceeded to have hours long conversations on the phone. But the two of you barely saw each other because neither of you has a car. The two of you fell in love, “We were together for only a month but it felt like we had known each other for our whole lives… We saw a future with each other”.
You learned that he has “a very bad relationship with his parents”, that he resents his parents, that he “overworked himself and tried to stay away from home as much as possible”, that “his only family is his group of boys who just so happened to be involved with a lot of partying and drugs.. all his boys do really care about each other”, that he puts “his energy into making sure everyone else is okay rather than focusing on himself”.
One night, on the telephone, he told you that “he had a breakdown and he just feels completely numb and all his emotions are gone, including his feelings for (you)”. You were very confused and broke down crying, your heart broken. Later he told you that “he is a very on and off person and that at some point his feelings for me could come back but he doesn’t know for sure”. The two of you continued to talk on the phone for two more weeks, “He would still call me baby and be all flirty with me but he swore he just wanted to be friends”. Following those two weeks, you decided to have no contact “because we both needed it to focus on finals for school”, but throughout the no contact he followed you closely on social media. “He also posted our song on his Instagram a few days ago”. But in a party last night, he was drunk and he avoided you but the two of you talked a bit.
“At this point, I have no clue what to do! I .. still think he is the perfect person for me. He is sending me mixed signals and I don’t know how to take them.. tell me if his signals mean anything”.
My input and suggested answer: his “mixed signals” mean that he is mixed, confused himself. It is not that he is clear and knows what he wants but chooses to give you mixed signals and confuse you. He is confused himself and doesn’t know what he wants.
Sometimes he is honest with you and tells you the truth, sometimes he doesn’t know what the truth is and tells you things that are partly true, partly not. And sometimes he knows that what he is telling you is partly true. Maybe not true at all.
Drugs and heavy drinking and partying aren’t helping his confusion.
You wrote that you think that he is the perfect person for you- not in this life as-is. Maybe in another dimension, in a world in the clouds where he is no longer living with his parents, where he is settled in a peaceful home with no one bothering him, where he attends excellent psychotherapy and gets in touch with all those suppressed emotions you mentioned, and so on and on.
In real life he is not doing well. He told you that he lost his feelings for you and that maybe he’ll get them back sometime in the future. Let’s say he does, let’s say he gets un-numb and feels love for you again-
– how long before he feels numb again?
Also, no one feels in love all the time, over a long period of time, non- stop excitement about talking to or seeing another person. If he expects to feel excited this way all the time, he will never stay in a relationship, or he will look for that kind of excitement outside his chosen relationship.
I suggest that you do focus on your studies and future career. The grades you get in school, the certificates you earn that will make a successful career possible for you, these are more dependable, stable, permanent, than his fleeting, changing feelings for you.
Post more anytime and I will reply further.
anitaDecember 17, 2019 at 10:20 am #328155InkyParticipant
I feel bad for the boy, but if I were you I wouldn’t sit around pining away for him. Date (unapologetically! openly!) other people IF the opportunity presents itself. He might be motivated to get it together if he sees you’re not waiting around for him and other guys don’t seem to be tormented at all concerning you.
InkyDecember 18, 2019 at 6:12 pm #328475HennessyParticipant
I’ve been in a similar situation so I found it very easy to relate to certain parts. It’s one of the worst feelings, having to choose between your heart and your head.
The guy seems to be confused with himself, and seems to be displacing this confusion by sending you mixed signals. This is NOT okay. Take mixed signals as a no. He seems to not know what he wants and therefore, keeps you where he’s able to reach you. Social media makes that easier now. It seems he is struggling but it is not your job to fix him, he needs to live and learn. People don’t just ‘lose feelings’, but he may have repressed them. His ‘player’ instincts may have kicked in, perhaps he is scared to really love you. But that isn’t your problem, it’s his. If he can’t man up and accept that he feels something for you then he isn’t the one. But it’s not your job to make him realise that.
If you do take him as he is, I suspect it will be toxic. He may disconnect from you whenever he ‘shuts down’ and it will be a constant cycle, a loop of hurt and it’s one of the worst types of hurt. Not to mention, external influences. If he is able to ‘lose feelings’ and you’s were together, what would stop him from being disloyal? Absolutely nothing since he claims to feel nothing.
He isn’t in touch with himself. Let him go. If you’s are meant to be, you will be eventually. There are things he needs to work on before he can be with anyone. Don’t trap yourself in this confusion, it really does make you feel like you’re going crazy. Work on what is going to be best for you. He is not best for you. Not at this moment anyway. Be patient.
Best of luck to you!