Hi Lilly-Mae

I’m sorry that you’re in this painful situation and feel like you’re not good enough. Well done on finally standing up for yourself!

I’ve been in your situation more than once. I’m sorry but my thoughts might be painful to you. I don’t want to hurt you. It isn’t my intention.

In my opinion, this man was never your friend. It He was your abuser. It sounds like he wanted to keep his future options open with using you for sex.

He can find a regular relationship easily. But it is harder to find someone who is willing to tolerate abuse. Most people have boundaries. He was looking for someone to abuse and you were that person. He could never love you because loving someone means treating them with respect. He never respected you.

However, you are good enough. You deserve a loving committed relationship, just not with him. I hope that in the future your own boundaries and tell anyone who treats you badly to take a hike. A tip I learned dating is that if someone says they don’t want to date you, they will never change their mind.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Lily-Mae:

“I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him“- I don’t think that it’s a matter of a lack of rational intelligence that you stayed in an on-and-off relationship with him for over 2 years, but a matter of a subconscious motivation to change an unloving person into a loving person. Such a motivation is often born in childhood when a child has an unloving parent.

“January this year he left me for another woman– who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her– and she has a child. While he was with his new girlfriend, he still wanted to be friends and tried to stay in contact with me… he treats her like a Princess“- doesn’t read like he has been faithful to her. Being that he contacted you while in a relationship with her, does not equal treating her like a princess, does it?

“We were only intimate from behind… He told me he does not want children, now she has a child“- it is possible that you accepted that sexual position because that’s what he wanted, and therefore, you never got pregnant, but at least on one occasion, she did not accept that position, and him being carried away with sexual drive.. she got pregnant.

“I feel depressed, hurt and angry… I wish I was good enough – but I’m not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.”- you are welcome, and I hope that you feel better soon! His behavior and you accepting his behavior does not mean that you were, or are not god-enough. His behavior indicates who he is, not who you are. Your acceptance of his behavior indicates an emotional desperation. It does not indicate your worth as a person.

I used to be desperate, I used to feel acutely not good-enough. It was a painful experience!

My advice: seek psychotherapy if possible. If it helps to type away your thoughts and feelings, life-experiences now, and in the past, etc., you are welcome to do so here, and I will respond empathetically and non-judgmentally.

anita

Dear Lily-Mae:

You are welcome. “I currently see my psychiatrist… I just want to die. And I’m planning on doing that“- please call your psychiatrist, or an emergency number (911, USA) as quickly as possible and voice your suicidal thoughts- so that you can receive professional help.

“I always go for the wrong men because I feel ugly and worthless. I wish I could put a mask over my face… I’m not good enough and I will never be“- better than putting a mask over your face would be to remove the mask of self-hate and let the beauty underneath shine!

“This guy got everything. He got happiness. He got a beautiful girlfriend.. I wish I was good enough, but I’m not. She is.“- from where you are at, it seems like he got everything, and is happy, but it’s not likely to be true.

“I have borderline personality disorder“- I was diagnosed myself with BPD, and after my first quality psychotherapy and years of work, I no longer fit the diagnosis.

“I’m angry that he treated me like a fool…  I’m so angry, I wish he was regretful for what he has done to me… I’m angry at God because he made him happy and I’m sitting with the pain, the suicidal ideas. I love God, don’t get me wrong, but man I am so angry“- since you mentioned being angry and loving God, here’s a quote from bible study tools. com/ topical verses/ anger bible verses:

“We all struggle with moments of anger – whether we are faced with a small annoyance or an overwhelming situation. Rather than lashing out with harsh words and actions, which only leave us with guilt and shame, we can stop and focus on Scripture for help. The Bible gives plenty of advice on dealing with anger…  The Bible also teaches us that not all anger is wrong. Righteous anger stems from an anger that arises when we witness ‘an offense against God or His Word.’ Righteous anger cares about others. It attacks the sin instead of the sinner.

“It’s important to consider what can result from our anger. Will our anger produce actions that intend to make the world a better place and help bring people to hear the Gospel, in a loving way? Or will our anger retaliate, isolate, and cause someone to potentially stray away from the faith because of our actions? We should be slow to become angry and filter all emotions through how God wants us to respond to others. Brows Scripture quotes on anger below and… Keep them with you throughout the day to remind yourself of God’s strength and peace when you feel tensions rise.” (End of quotes)

I hope to read more about your thoughts and feelings, Lily-Mae, as long as it helps just a bit to type them into the screen and get replies.

anita

Dear Lily-Mae:

I am content to see that the offensive responder’s reply was removed. Unfortunately your recent post is no longer available for me to reply to. I remember that in it, you wrote that you are glad (not necessarily in these words) that I recovered from my BPD experience in life (I’d say a 30+ years experience). I would very much like to communicate with you further, Lily-Mae. We can share both of our experiences with BPD and with healing andrecovery. Please return to your thread, if it’s okay with you, and we can talk further.

anita

You have every right to be angry. I think it is important to remember this feeling. Never let it happen to you again. Let it be the last time. Protect yourself from those seeking to harm you, because you deserve better.

* A note for Tommy:

“Looking at her actions and listening to her words. Neither made any sense in light of the other“- people don’t make sense when they are in pain.

“I was wrong to reply to a suicidal person.. I am sorry for my ability to see both sides of an argument“- You are not really apologizing for an ability see both sides of an argument because you know that such an ability is a positive thing, nothing to apologize for. Seems to me that what you mean by this fake apology is that empathy should be balanced with judgment and abuse, and that such a balance is needed in these forums.

“I do believe that she had all the signs that this was not a good relationship and yet she pressed forward with it. It was a poor choice“- her poor choice in a relationship is not a justification for you to insult and offend her, not any more than your poor choice of a relationship (your current marriage about which you repeatedly complained), is a justification for me or for anyone to insult and offend you.

“Lily-Mae obviously doesn’t deserve to be treated so harshly. And yet, by her own words, she tells how bad a relationship it was“- (1) if she doesn’t deserve to be treated so harshly, why did you treat her so harshly? Why do you choose, once in a while (not all the time), to express your real-life unresolved anger here, in these forums? Psychotherapy (and marriage counseling) would be the right place for you to express and resolve your ongoing anger, Tommy. Not here,

(2) When you say, in the quote above, And yet, you are excusing having treated her so harshly. You are saying (paraphrased): she (the OP) chose to stay in a bad relationship where she was abused, therefore she deserves abuse, and so,  I will abuse her too.. it will balance the empathy she received, and which she doesn’t deserve!

“I will continue to add my two cents cause life isn’t just one sided“- I see that the side of empathy (for OPs) offends you, so you see the need to balance it with your two cents of so harshly (your words).

I offered you before, Tommy, that you start your own first thread in regard to help that you need, a thread where I and other members can communicate with you about problems in your own life/ marriage, problems that need to be addressed and resolved. I think this would a way better context for you to participate in the forums.

anita

[quote quote=436483]I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him. We were only intimate from behind and he never kissed me and only wanted to see me when he wanted too. He told me he never wants to be in a relationship and he never wants to marry or have children. [/quote]Hmmm, okay.

[quote quote=436483]January this year he left me for another woman – who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her – and she has a child. [/quote]Yeah, he should be beaten within and inch of his life for doing that to you.

[quote quote=436483] I decided to change my number and my last message to him is to leave me alone and stay out of my life and never dare to contact me again. I ended everything. [/quote]That should have told him off.

[quote quote=436483]And now he completely hates me and hes not afraid to show it. I feel depressed, hurt and angry. He treated me like trash, and now he treats her like a Princess. He told me he does not want children, now she has a child. What is wrong with me that I was not good enough? Why was I treated badly and not her? I wish I was good enough – but Im not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.[/quote]I wonder why? You have been nothing but nice.