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He just suddenly ghosted me after 7 years, please help!

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #185835

    Rulala
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I was in a 7 year relationship. We both are the same religion, he's Syrian ethnicity and Im American but an orphan from another country. I asked him on our 2nd date if his parents would have an issue, he told me no (I wouldn't start a relationship if there would have been, Ive lost enough, I wouldn't set myself up for more heartache). Long story short, because of the war in Syria his parents came to America about 4 years ago. His dad was absolutely against us, he wanted him to marry someone from their own village, not just their country!!! He fought his parents for years. He was looking at rings with me and wedding dresses then a couple weeks later he told me he was finally going to stand up to his parents and I said you've said this before and he replied “I will and tell them I need to live” I then said your parents are going to threaten they'll go back to syria (Which they have done in the past to manipulate him) and he said Syria was safer. Then literally then next morning he blocked me from ever aspect of communication!!!! Then the following day I got a letter saying not to contact him, I was completely blindsided! I did see him later and asked “what the heck is going on?” He said his “mind and heart is messed up and he needs time and that he's still fighting his parents for us.” I understood and gave him space but literally a few days later he asked me to meet him and he told me that he “was never in love with me all 7 years and that he stopped loving me the last three years and that he was closer to Jesus since I was out of his life!!” I felt like he was trying to destroy me. I am still shocked he did this, this is not the man I know and I would have never guessed he'd do this.

    Idk if he did this for another girl or his parents but I haven't felt this low since I lost my parents at a young age. He wasn't just a bf of 7 years, he was my best friend and my family. I feel so lost and have no family nothing. Im really digging deep into my faith. I know his parents offered him other women to marry ad he refused and got so angry that they stopped and I know this because a friend told me they said to leave him alone he's in love with an american girl. I don't know maybe he did this for another woman and I was stupid to not see or he did this for his parents…I just don't understand why he did any of this and why the way he did it…

     

    Thank you for reading this.

    #185867

    Veronika
    Participant

    I am very sorry to hear this. I was in a similar situation. I am European, living in the U.S. My x boyfriend was from India, living in the US for several years. My story is EXACTLY like yours, except we were together for a year. Eventually, it came to the point that he came back from a visit and was weird. I found out that the family had yet another girl ready for him and he did not know what to do. I broke it off with him, he married the girl 3 months later and had kids right away. I hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that he is a coward and it has nothing to do with you. It will hurt but I hope that it gets easier with time. ?

     

     

    #185963

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rulala:

    Reads to me that your ex boyfriend has been under severe pressure from his parents for a long, long time and he finally broke. His parents, maybe primarily his father,  raised him to feel a strong loyalty to him, and to feel very guilty if he doesn't obey him. He tried best he could and lost.

    It doesn't read to me that another woman is responsible for his termination of the relationship with you. It reads like fear and guilt and pain that lead him to the termination, or the ghosting, as you termed it. Not love (for another woman).

    It is a shame he told you that his parents would not have an issue with you. Maybe he didn't know, since the two of you share the same religion, maybe it was an irresponsible wishful thinking on his part and maybe he didn't care enough to tell you the truth, if he was aware of it. I don't know. But as time went by, he tried and failed.

    I assume he is feeling guilty about terminating the relationship but his guilt about disobeying his father is stronger.

    Please do share more about your thoughts and feelings. I will read attentively and reply every time you do, when I am at the computer (daily).

    anita

    #185977

    Rulala
    Participant

    Hi Veronika,

    I am sorry to hear about your story…I hope you're happy and living life with someone who loves you and sees your worth. <3

    #185981

    Rulala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    First thank you for responding. I honestly don't know, Im so confused, Ive tried this whole time to figure it out, IDK if he said all these things to hurt me to push me away or what? The night he told me that he was never in love with me, he also said that he was talking to someone else but there was no engagement. Just really weird stuff. As far as I know he's not the cheating type. I know he loves his parents very much and that was a quality I loved about him, I just didn't know he let them control him he's in his mid 30s and well educated. I'm educated, I graduate this spring with my masters, I lost my parents at a very young age and I would have taken care of them as if they were my own. I'm so heart broken but I also feel like my spirit is broken. IDK how he could just do this and so ugly and hateful??? I do know his mom felt bad, she didn't agree but she would allow our relationship because it made her son happy. The father on the other hand gets angry even holds his breath (like a toddler throwing a fit) if he doesnt get what he wants. Its sick. With that being said, my now ex is a grown man and knows better. I'm worried about him because this is not the man I have known all these years. These last couple months the craziness he's done, makes me question my own judgment! Idk how I could have been so wrong?? My instincts have been right since I was a little girl. Never wrong and the two times I didn't listen, it almost cost me my life.

    I pray for him and his family every day. I don't want to hate them thats not my heart, I don't want to become an angry ugly hearted person and thankfully I haven't yet. I'm trying. All I know he has to be mentally messed up, under more pressure than he told me. I know he told me his dad would change he kept telling me this. Maybe he decided I wasn't worth it anymore, wasn't worth the fight. It makes me sick to my stomach. A friend/colleague saw him yesterday at work and she said “he did not look happy.” I thought maybe he was rude or not happy towards her just bcz she's my friend but she said no he looked like in general. I am guilty of fighting with him we fought a lot because he would hide me and I was never allowed to go to events because his dad would throw a fit. So that night at the meeting he also said that he hated seeing my caller id on his phone. I knew it wasn't good we were fighting so much, it wasn't over petty stuff, just literally standing up for myself, I did apologize for my part. His dad supposedly told him 4 years ago they came to america just to break us apart! That makes me sick to even type this. I believe if someone truly loves you, no matter how hard the situation is, they will never let you go. SO maybe he was actually telling the truth that he didn't love me. Ive run through this a million times and I just get more confused and frustrated. I know his culture gets engaged fast and IDK if he's crazy enough to do that. He use to tell me he could never marry a girl from his hometown because his mindset has changed. But he also said he'd never let me go. So I can't believe anything and Idk what is real and what was a lie.

    #185985

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rulala:

    I tend to think that you were not wrong about him. I think you and him, individually and together, underestimated the power a parent over a child, minor and adult.

    When we get older, we don't shed our brain like we do our skin. The neurons and most of the early connections, neuropathways, are the same as they have been since formation in childhood (those formative years). They don't get changed spontaneously. It takes a whole lot of time and effort to change those, when aware and intent on doing so.

    His neuropathways: fear of disobeying his father, guilt if he does, these predate you and no amount of love for you could have possibly undo those. He was in denial of the fact that he was not capable of changing his father, he made believe that he could. If he was aware that he could not change his father's position, that it is most unlikely, and if he was willing to have no contact with his father (and parents, likely, because his mother is under the father's control), then there would have been a chance for the two of you.

    Why was he so hateful to you? Not because he didn't love you, but because he was desperate, desperate to relieve his own pain, desperate enough to … make believe he doesn't love you, to make believe anything that will help him restore a sense of relative calm.

    He may very well marry a woman from his hometown, but not because of love, but because his father wants him to.

    His father is an angry man, not a loving man. It is his-way-or-the-highway, and your ex boyfriend was not able to have no relationship with his father. He still needs his father's acceptance.

    What do you think about my understanding?

    anita

    #185991

    Rulala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I understand what you're saying and maybe you're right. I know he told me he can't make his dad not happy and that his dad will come around. He said he can't lose anyone. HIs dad gave him an ultimatum in the past and he said that if he doesnt marry me, he won't marry anyone…no matter his reasons, he still screwed me over. He knows my darkest secrets and heartbreak. He should have been honest with me when I asked because If I had known they would have even a small issue, I would never have gone on another date :'( it makes me sick to think how ugly he became. Theres no excuse to treat another human this way. He knows what he did was wrong no matter how messed up his dad is. Idk what to do anymore…all I ever asked God for was a family and home…I feel so used and treated like trash. that makes me angry.

    #185995

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rulala:

    If he knew of his father's position then he should have told you at the beginning, when you asked. No matter how much he may have believed that he could change his father's position, he should have told you of the position. He did you wrong by not telling you. And he did you wrong in the way he broke up with you.

    Unfortunately, this is the way of the world, wrong breeds wrong. Each individual should be held responsible for the wrong they commit and do their best to not pass on the wrong, to not harm another.

    I understand your anger, it is a natural emotion we as humans have when hurt. You are deeply hurt and I wish it wasn't so. You can survive this feeling, no matter how badly it feels. And you will feel better as feelings don't stay the same. It is their nature to change.

    Take care of yourself best you can. When you feel better, be open to learn more about life, about people. This is what I do: when I get distressed, I get curious: what is there here to learn, I ask myself.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about seventeen hours or so. Please do post more, anytime, if it helps. If you do, I will reply when I am back.

    anita

    #186093

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rulala:

    I am back to the computer and I wonder how you are feeling today, hoping you feel better.

    anita

    #186497

    Rulala
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for checking…I'm sick to my stomach. I wish I could take him out of my mind and heart. I don't understand anything and I hate that I have no answers. I feel so naive thinking my childhood and past was bad enough and now all good things…HOw does someone do this and live every day? I don't understand how his conscious isn't eating him alive??

    #186563

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rulala:

    You are welcome. You are hurting and you are angry, understandably. It is difficult and maybe impossible to understand much when so distressed. It is most important that you reduce your distress best you can, relaxing best you can.

    It happened regardless of the reasons. The relationship has ended. Unfortunately for you, this is another event in your life to overcome. You can do it, it is in you to overcome this. Allow yourself the time needed. Treat yourself in your daily life as if you were taking care of a child who is hurting. Be gentle with yourself, patient. Organize her time so that there is a routine she can count on, relaxation time, sharing time (here, for one, as long as you'd like), little treats, some exercise, and such.

    anita

    #186811

    tony
    Participant

    hi rulala,

    i am 47 years old with experience in long distance and interacial relationships, i think times will be tough for a while but trust me, the only way is to love yourself first than anybody else, the betrayal is super hard but if he doesnt love you anymore you have to let it go, i dont think you should dwel on it, you are a wonderful person with lots to offer so find another soul to give him the best of you….

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