I met him back in high school. He was 14 years old and I was 13 years old. Sorry in advance for the long story.

When he initially asked me out, I had told him that I do not plan on playing around. If the relationship was to begin it was to be serious and head towards marriage. I told him about my disabled sister and that if the relationship is to proceed he would need to accept her. He agreed to all these conditions saying he believes in the same value. During the beginning stages of the relationship, I would always concentrate on my studies. He would get upset, saying how I am not emotionally involved with him. Then I came across a conversation he had with one of his friends, where he was explaining how I was distant. His friend called me a “b*tch”, but he didn’t even defend me. I got really upset with him and questioned him. He told me about how he lost his grandfather at a young age and how all his ex-gf left him. And that he felt like he always lost the people close to him. He felt alone and he wants my attention. He gave me his grandpa ring, telling me he wants me to keep it because I am important to him. When my parents were against the relationship when they found out back in high school. And I soon came to realize it would not work because of our different religion and because we are young they will not take us seriously. We had a discussion about how it would be difficult. We would need to convince our parents since I am a Christian and he is a Muslim. He told me to stand strong and we will convince them eventually.  My parents found out several times after that, but I still stood my ground to be with him. And kept the relationship a secret.

When he graduated from high school, he told me he wants to break up because he loves another girl. I was in shock and I fought with him, asking him how can he hurt me in such a manner, knowing what all I faced in high school for him. It took him one month to tell me he had no feelings for her. The reason why he brought up such an excuse is that he was confused about whether to choose between his parents or me. And that he was using her to break up and then he was using her to make sure I won’t leave him. I asked him to break connections with her because it was making me feel insecure. He didn’t listen and for almost 1 year he drove me insane saying he loves her/ does not love her. And when I agreed to break up, he would cry and hit himself begging me to not leave him. I told him that back in high school he told me to stand strong against parents and everything will work out. And why doesn’t he fight for us the same way? He then told me he was feeling their pressure and stress and all he wanted to do was hold my hand running far away. This incident took me into a deep depression. My academics suffered greatly, as I was in my first year of university. I wanted to be a doctor from a very young age, and with dropping grades I knew how it will effect towards the future. I was extremely angry, frustrated, hurt and I lost my trust over him. I expressed how I felt to him, and he said to trust him, he would do whatever it takes to bring me. And that he won’t hurt me anymore. He couldn’t see a life without me and he loves me deeply. I would constantly fight with him, doubting his intentions with me.  I started to doubt the relationship, questioning why I was even with him, hurting my own parents if he never even understood what all I went through for the relationship.  One day when I was listening to a record of my dad’s voice, I started to realize my dad made huge sacrifices for me versus he kept hurting me, knowing how much I faced for the relationship. I started to break down within and I asked to speak to him because I knew I was going crazy. But he was busy with an Eid party. And then I went onto his fb account publically humiliating him, by confessing his secrets. He got extremely angry with me and wanted to break up. But I explained what I was going through, to not break up and he said he understands. After that, I had to seek professional counseling help for my depression. He would wait outside, while I attended the sessions. After my second session, my counselor told me that it is a toxic relationship and it wouldn’t be wise to continue the relationship. When I told him this information and said I probably cannot continue the relationship, because I am that broken. He kneeled and started crying saying to not leave him. He called that girl asked her to apologize to me ( which she never did) and he promised to never speak to her again. He told me he will tell me where he is, who is with and treat me better, to make things work. And he did just that. He even wrote me a promise letter, saying he will marry me. Things were better and I started to trust him. I got a proposal from a doctor back in India, he told me to reject it. He would get defensive of any guy who would come near me. He would immediately tell them off. I was lost, so I started to join Christian groups at school, but they would say how it is a sin to be with a Muslim man. He told me to leave the group because he is afraid of losing me to religion. He would always bring up scenarios and dreams he had where I would leave him for my parents. So I reassured him I am not going anywhere. His parents were upset about the facebook incident. They sent a family friend to meet up with him and me. They were saying if I were to be Muslim, they would have accepted immediately. Couple years down the road, everyone will take the facebook incident as a joke. He will get married to a Muslim girl and I would get married to a Christian man. He was extremely upset hearing what his aunt was saying. At the end of the conversation, I gave my word to his aunt that we will concentrate on school. His aunt told him to not get angry and that she (me) is your girl.

Fast forward, 5 years was great for us. He seemed really happy with me and I was extremely happy with him. He would place his hand on my stomach saying “one day our child would be there”. He would kiss my hand saying I make him so happy. We discussed marriage, kids and future expectations. We would discuss how we would want to break the news of marriage to parents. He would tell me how he is prepared to convert for me and disown his parents for me. And I told him we will never do such a thing. We will wait until they agree. We will never run away because that is cowardly. They raised us and they deserve to be apart of our marriage.  And neither of us will convert, when we met we knew each other religion, it is not necessary to convert. He would tell me he does not believe in Islam or in God. He started to eat non-halal. When I told him to pray 5 times a day or to eat halal, he would get angry with me.

January 2018 he told me he started to feel suffocated by me. I asked him what exactly about me, is making him feel suffocated and he said he doesn’t know. So I tried to stop being anxious for the future around him. And every day I asked him if he is feeling better. He told me he is. Then he started saying how he does not feel belonged in his religion, he does not know what he wants with regards his career, studies, his dad always yells at him and never appreciates him, he does not like the Muslim organization he is apart of. He started to say he feels every ounce of his happiness is being drained from him. I asked him if he is happy with us? And he said he is. April 29, 2018, when he dropped me to the airport ( I was heading for a vacation 2 week ) he cried saying he does not want me to go. He set up an Instagram account for me, to keep in touch. May 2018, he came for swimming with me and my disabled sister. I asked him if he is comfortable with her?  He told me he feels comfortable around her and he does not know why his parents feel he won’t fit in with my sister. He even offered to assist with my sister.  June 2018 he texted me saying he had a dream where his parents took everything from him, including me. He started to say crazy talk such as lets run away. And I calmed him down saying he is never going to lose me, I will always be by his side and we will not run away. I repeated our plan of how he will graduate soon by 2020, get a job and then he can tell his parents about us. Give them time to get to know me and vise versa with my parents. By the time I will enter first-year medical school. August 1 2018 his grandma passed away and he was devastated. He messaged me immediately, saying how it is his fault his grandma in India passed away from a heart attack. He told me how he had a dream of her passing away and he should have called his parents back India to make them check up on her. I told him, it was not his fault and he couldn’t have possibly known the dream is real. And I tried to reassure him saying his grandma had a peaceful death as compared to those who suffer. And it is not his fault. We had a huge fight based on that. October 2018 he started to seem distant from me. I asked him if something was wrong. He said nothing was wrong. I told him I had a dream were his mom forcefully made him break all connections with me. He said to not worry no such thing will ever happen, he won’t deceive me because he knows it hurts a lot. October 2018 he wrote me a paragraph for my birthday, saying how much I mean to him. He spoke about how special our relationship is, how important I am in his life. He made plans for us to have “our” day on Nov 2 2018. He drove to give me my birthday present and I told him to give it to me on Monday. As I cannot come out right now, in case family members might see. He was upset, so I video called him making sure he was not upset. The very same day, at night he told me he got a proposal from an Indian actor, he was upset by that, said no immediately, Nov 2 2018 the plan to come over to his house was ruined because an uncle was coming over, he was upset how nothing goes as he planned it to be and he feels depressed. I told him I know and we will discuss it the next morning. The next day he told me he wants to break up. I asked him why a million times if it’s the proposal? if he is upset because I did not come outside to get the gift?. The same day, his dad had a chest pain hearing about the relationship and had to be rushed to the ER. He gave me a thousand excuses from wanting a Muslim wife to having issues with disabled sister, to how I am not inspirational, to how he does not love me, he does not feel happy, he does not feel content in the relationship, I am not passionate physically in the relationship, I do not let him watch porn and do not understand porn is his way of releasing stress. All this time he was looking at my pain but now he is looking at his parent’s pain. I asked him if his parents said something, then he said no it is his decision. And told me the proposal was a prank his parents played on him and it was not real.

Nov 2, 2018, we went to the movies, I kept asking him to try till May 2019 at least. “When I was feeling down with the relationship, you (he) wanted me to try and why won’t you do the same for me?”. He refused and then he told me he is expected of not expressing himself emotionally because he is a man. He was angry with me how I hid when there were encounters with his parents. I told him, it was not the right time to meet his parents and he did the exact thing with my parents. I told him at least when I graduate then I would have something to show for. Then he told me how I do not remember what his doctor said about his health. We had an argument about that because he never told me that information. When I proved him wrong, he kissed my forehead said he is sorry and that he loves me. I asked him love me? Then he proceeded to say it was an accident and he said it out of habit. We left that day, he promised to message me when he gets home but never did. For 3 days he ghosted me. I got a hold of his family friend, they said there is no point he just gave up on the relationship and he will say all this now, but when he goes home he will change. I kept asking him for a proper reason of why he wants to break up?  January 2019, I kept begging him, saying we will convince and I will change religion if it is the very last option.  It went on till February 2019, when I gave up and agreed to break up. Then he cried holding me saying to not leave him. I said isn’t that what you wanted? a break up? He said his mind is going crazy, he wants me beside him and to understand things are tough for him and he feels suicidal. I kept fighting him for 1 hour but he refused to let me go. I explained to him how much pain he caused me? He said he knows and he is behaving the same way with his parents. I told him I understand things are tough on him and that I am prepared to be by his side. 3 days later he said he wants to break up. I kept asking him why? and why the drama when I agreed? Then he said he did not know what to do then or how to react to what I said.

March 2019 he told me he kept asking himself why he wants to break up and the reason why is because he is scared his dad will commit suicide hearing about the relationship. His dad is now under depression and his dad’s personality is no longer how it used to be before, his dad is now abusive towards his mom and things have changed. I told him, his dad knew about our relationship for all 10 years, he did not do anything so far. He then said his parents said will disown him if he accepts me and he cannot lose them. I told him my parents said the exact same thing back in high school, weren’t you the one who said we will convince them? What about the promise letter? And all the promises you made to me? He said he does not love me anymore, he wrote that promise letter to shut me up and he does not care he is breaking all those promises. I asked him to at least try to make things work.

I was so confused by his behavior. So I got a hold of another family friend, she said that he had told her how he wanted to tell his parents about me and marriage back in September 2018. She told me how he had told her around Jan 2019 that “the relationship was toxic, and he got a proposal if she (me) were to get involved it won’t be good and he is going to India around April”. I told her the proposal was fake. She did not understand why he is behaving in this manner. I started to believe it was his depression talking and I got suspicious about the proposal. And I started to do alot of research about depression. Because it never made sense to me how one goes from marriage to saying how I am so special, to being prepared to disown his own parents and then do a complete 360 on me with one night. I asked him why he told his family friend about the proposal if it wasn’t real and if he is going to India. He said he lied to the family friend because he did not want to get proposals. (This excuse did not make sense to me) and he is not going to India.

I started to feel that I am losing my insanity, just like I did in 2013 and feared if I would do any wrong mistakes. So I started to express how I feel to his family friend. He later agreed to attempt to make the relationship work. He got jealous when one of my guy friend was messaging me, he told me he does not want to control me anymore but he does not feel comfortable with me talking to a guy friend. He said he is jealous of how I talk to his family friend till 5 am, he wishes he can talk to me till 5 am but he gets tired.  But he would treat me extremely bad one day and then treat me extremely good another day. He would say crazy things like how he wants to cut his hair, how he wants to commit suicide, make up stories how he did drug dealing in his childhood if he gets anxiety attacks he would call me. He called his own mom a “b*tch” behind her back. (He was nothing like the guy I knew initially). Later on, he tells me he is forced to go to India in April. He does not know when he will come back because his parents are doing the bookings ( but within these 10 years he always knew and would tell me when he is returning). He told me for the 4 months he is going away, he wants some space from me to better himself. He will not be emotionally attached to his parents when he is traveling with them. He said he wants to take 4 months to better himself as a son, a husband ( he used to call me his wife), and for himself. April 5 2019, I started to break down and said he is right to break up. Thing won’t work out and he does not love me anymore. He told me to have faith and to give him these 4 months he is doing it for us and the results would be positive. He does not want to give me false promises anymore. Before he left that day, I hugged him and started to cry. He called me emotional and said to have faith, it was us and he is going to return better. April 7 2019 was his flight. April 6 2019 I did not feel reassured so I messaged him. He told me he will speak to me at night. But he was busy till 12 am. April 7 2019 he was irritated with me, he did not seem like the guy I met on April 5 2019, but he gave me reassurance. He told me he won’t be able to message me, while he was in India because he won’t have wifi access. But I soon came to realize he was always active on his whatsapp. I kept trying to get a hold of him, but he never responded. He returned April 20, he said he finds happiness and ease with his parents. He said he is confused with what he wants, he lost himself and he feels lost with regards to career and studies. But he knows his parents want the best for him. April 21, 2019, I found out from his cousin that when he went to India in December 2018, he had shown them a picture of the proposal he got. I questioned him about it. He said he told them about the proposal to get attention, the proposal is not real and to feel good about himself. I got suspicious and messaged the proposal girl how he has a gf and to stay away. April 22 2019, he agreed to meet up with me, he told me he wants to make things right and he returns back to me. But his parents found out how I messaged the proposal girl and they called him back home. He told me he will return but never did. His dad told me they were thinking about me until I had the guts to do the fb post, it shows my character. His mom told me I am a girl I should have protected myself and he is a guy, this is what guys do. He was playing me all this time. His mom said when he messages guy to keep them away from me, it was his immaturity. He lied in front of his parents saying he was coming to end things between me and him. He then told me it is best we go separate ways and not bother each other. His mom said she wants to meet up with me, but that never happened.

Within these 10 years he was the one to initiate physical. I had clearly told him I want to lose virginity to my husband. He told me to not worry we will get married eventually. When I was reluctant he would ask if I am not attracted to him? He would say how he feels I do not want him. I told him I felt guilty for doing it before marriage and it would be best to wait. I even told him as an Indian girl I would face many consequences if he were ever to leave me. He said to trust him and he won’t ever deceive me.  Now he is saying physical was wrong, it was wrong of him to do that and a mistake. He also said I lead him to do bad things.

I am so confused as to what these 10 years of relationship mean to me. What I mean to him. All the cursing, fighting with my parents for him, putting my career under the bus and putting my own sanity under the bus was a waste. When I asked, him if I was his immature decision? He said no the relationship was special, but something changed, he changed, his mind changed now he sees only his parents pain. I believe if he had stood strong things would have worked out. My parents were initially against at the beginning of the relationship, but now I see them changing. He told me he understood why facebook incident happened, he said he will make them understand. He told me he has once told his mom if her husband cheated on her how would she feel and she could not respond (now I even question if he ever said that).

Should I blame myself for the relationship not working? I cannot understand how to wake up one day and to not feel emotionally attached to someone so quickly. He told me physical was a habit with me but now he is no longer emotionally attached to me. And all of a sudden not talking to me daily never felt odd to him.

Around March 2019 when I started crying. He hugged me saying how initially he was in a bubble that consisted of just me and him. And now he is trying to make the two worlds one. I asked him what was he thinking when we were talking about parents and marriage especially before physical was all involved back in high school. He said that time he didn’t think of parents or anything, just me.

All my friends said it was never going to work. Because he is their only son. His parents would have never accepted me regardless.