He used to tell me, he feels like himself the most with me. Was that a sugar-coated lie, that he fed me for all these years? He even told me he could tell me anything and everything. After he returned from his trip from India around December 2018, he told me how his cousins smoke weed and they drink alcohol (which is not permitted in Islam).

I asked him why he gave me hope, by telling me about his cousin who married a Hindu boy back in 2018. He said it was a habit to tell me everything and anything. I told him, you told me everything, except how you feel about our relationship and me? To which, he changed the topic.

Hi Mark,

My problem is I do not know what I should learn from this experience. I do not believe I have mistreated him. I have been loyal, honest, caring and loving towards him. I trusted him out of all people. I thought he was not a person who does not enjoy playing with others emotions. And I stood beside him, regardless of what everyone said. I am not sure what I did, that prevented the relationship from working. He always behaved like he has his own mind, separate from his parents. Now he thinks exactly like his parents.

Now, I blame myself for not encouraging him, when he was against his parents. I feel I was so stupid for not trying to divide him with his family. I never tried to keep him isolated from everyone as he did with me. Now I regret it.

I never idealized him for his behavior. I used to always question him as to why he changed? He told me he treats everyone close to him, like this now. Since I am in a relationship with him and since his parents are closest to him, he treats these people horribly because he is suffering through depression. He told me he does not mistreat or tell outsiders how he feels, or show outsiders how he really feels. And to be honest, I never believed him.

I am scared of what the future hold for multiple occasions. He pulled up my biggest fears. I always wasn’t keen on arranged marriage, because I was brought up seeing my parents in an unhappy, loveless marriage. Therefore, I always wanted a love marriage. Now the love failed miserably and I have no idea what I did wrong. I stood up beside him for this long, because I wanted things to work out. I did not want things to crumble and I would always tell him I cannot see my married life crumble. He promised me, things will all work out, but I now see he was always lying to me. I always wanted someone who accepts my disabled sister. He knew her since she was a child, and he never understood her. I am afraid the person who comes into my life in the future would set up a division with my family.  I cannot choose a good person to love anymore. In our culture virginity is seen of high importance. And I do not know how I would be perceived as in the future. (He freaked out early in the stage when he thought I was not a virgin. He told me he was a virgin, therefore he wanted me as a virgin. Now he says, virginity isn’t much of a big deal). I strongly believe he is only saying that to cover his skin now. He knows it will affect me badly.  I want to be truthful to the next person who walks into my life. But I am afraid I can’t. All this time I kept telling myself, it is okay I took a long time to get my degree in hand. It was for him. Now I just feel like, I stupidly wasted 6 years of my life, for a useless cause. I will no longer be able to apply for medical school in Canada. I have to go abroad, spending more than I actually have too. (That is only if I even get into a medical school abroad and my family is middle class to take up a $300,000 loan is a huge burden on them). I do not feel secure in life anymore. I do not feel confident with myself anymore. I do not believe I can let myself feel vulnerable again. And I still love him. I still search for him, hoping he would return. I know how fast my heart beats every time a car similar to his passes by or someone who looks like him, passes by.

All the while, I have to tell myself, the break up was meant to be. We nurtured the relationship, celebrated our anniversary every year with so much love. We would always talk about how our parents are being unreasonable. We will convince them one day. And then one day he walks up and leaves, giving me a bunch of excuses. He sums it up saying, he lost himself, he wants peace, he finds happiness and ease with his parents. I do not know how to be “okay” with that. And to accept it. I have no idea how to shut my feelings off and just move on. If anything, now I feel more anxious with life and the future. And I see no hope of a promising secure future, like the one I always wanted. And I am so scared. All my friend said to put faith in God and to trust God has greater plans set up for me. And I cannot believe that.

I told him one time my parents believe he would use me and throw me away. He reassured me that is not his intention. His intention is pure and it is to be with me, get married. He even told me he will not deceive me. He did exactly that, without any regret.

I actually did speak to a therapist, that did not help me

I wish to learn how to turn my feelings off, just like he did. But I have no idea how to do that. And I do not believe love would ever fade away. I should be hating him by now, and I can’t. I never hated him for all he did. I just, do not know what to do anymore. I cannot understand, why I am not good enough for him. I feel like I am a chewed up piece of gum. Once, the flavor is gone, I got spat out. Everyone else gets to walk over me.

I have no idea how to find happiness, in his happiness of not being together. I feel I have more consequences to face. While he walks unscratched by everything. I feel broken and I do not know how to fix myself. And I want to feel happy again. I want to be the person, I was before I met him. But I feel I lost that part of me, a long time ago. I want to look at him and feel nothing. I want to treat him like a stranger like he treats me. I want to be able to not think about him. I want to feel okay, with the idea of someone else touching me. But the idea itself, still makes me want to throw up. I have no idea how he is okay, with someone else.

Hi Anita,

There is more to the story that I did not tell you.

You were a child talking to another child. He was not in the position to promise you marriage because he was a child. I understand that he was an older child and able to have sex, but still.. he was a child.

– You are right he is a child. But a child has enough brains to tell me to not tell anyone about the sexual relationship because I was a 16 year old minor, while he was 18 years old. He would get in trouble if anyone finds out. He had the brains to tell me this. But no intelligence to understand about marriage or my sister? (Especially, when I introduced her to him around the second year of  our relationship?).

My answer to the first question- one reason is that you urged him to choose his parents. And to the second question: you didn’t stand by his side through thick and thin. Instead you constantly fought with him, questioned him, expressing your anxiety to him, and guilt tripped him, telling you how much pain you are experiencing because of him, and you didn’t listen to his pain.

-I only constantly fought and questioned  him during 2013-  2014, when he cheated on me. After I started to trust him, I never fought with him. You are right, I did express my anxiety for the future towards him. I do not understand, how I guilt tripped him. I never spoke about my pain. The only time I spoke about my pain, was when he hurt me, without even thinking about me. (Was I suppose to not say anything, when he hurt me? Was I suppose to tell him, it is okay that he is hurting me?).

-After he cheated and after he gained my trust back. I would always protect him. I forgave him. He used to say he felt bad for the pain he caused me. I said its gone and done with, let it go. Focus on what is to come. Every time he blamed himself for my studies or what happened in high school. I would only tell him, it was worth it. It was for us. I kept telling him, it is okay and to let it go. It is the past and everything is better now. How is that guilt tripping him or fighting with him? Even with regards to my studies. We both knew, he has a huge influence on why I did not do well in school. Yet, I took the blame to comfort him. I told him I should have concentrated, it is my fault. (Only so he doesn’t corner himself with guilt. I always put myself under the bus for him. I tried my best, in-front of him to not blame him. The only time I lose it, is when he hurts me. Because he never ever thinks about me. He just selfishly does everything)

He was unhappy with his parents, felt neglected (which explains his clinging behavior toward you), so you and him had an opportunity: to turn away from your respective parents and build a life of your own, you and him, a team of two.

“He told you that he wants to run away from them, run away with you. He repeatedly expressed to you his dissatisfaction in his family and in his religion. He told you at one point (you were about 24) that he is prepared to “convert for me and disown his parents for (you)”-

Yes he was prepared to convert for me. I agree. But I do not want him to convert and resent it later in life. I asked him why does he want to convert? He said, it is so my parents will accept him. I asked him if he believes in Jesus being the son of God? He said no, that is against his views. Under that circumstance how should I support him with converting? If I were to agree to him converting, he will convert for me, to only resent it and then me. I told him I would support him and convince my own parents to accept him for him. 

This was his explanation as to why he cheated on me. 2018 when he was referring to running away, it was to tell our parents once, after graduation and then run away. I believe we needed to give our parents some time to process the information. How are we to expect our parents to accept immediately, after telling them about our relationship? I even explained this to him, he seemed to understand back in 2018.

-But you told him instead, regarding his suggestion to disown his parents and convert: “we will never do such a thing. We will wait until they agree. We will never run away… And neither of us will convert”-

– you chose his parents and your parents over the two of you.

I did not choose his parents and my parents over the two of us. The reason why I said neither of us will convert. Is because in 2015, he told me he will break up with me if I do not convert into Islam. After a huge discussion, he told me he was going crazy and it is okay if I do not want to convert. I told him, I would convert but only if I believe in Islam. The bond I share with god and me is personal. It isn’t right to just convert for the sake of conversion. And the same applies to him. I knew even though he was saying he hates Islam, he does not want to practice it, he was equally attached. If he was not attached why did he ask me to convert? I did not want him to convert and later on feel a resentment. 

And even though he said he hates his parents. I have seen him get concerned if any of his parents got sick. I did not want to break a family. I wanted to unite the two families. I believe with time, patience, proper communications they would have understood. (just like his cousin, who convinced her parents to get permission to marry a hindu boy).

-Here is an example, he told you again that he “does not feel belonged in his religion.. he does not like the Muslim organization he is a part of. He started to say he feels every ounce of his happiness is being drained from him. I asked him if he is happy with us?”-you didn’t care to listen to him being unhappy with his religion or with his parents, you only cared about his unhappiness as it related to you.

Also not true. I was not ignorant to his concerns. When he told me he hates attending the muslim organizations. He hates how he has to take up tasks when no1 was willing to take on the responsibility. Only to later get blamed for not doing a proper job. I told him to not go to these organizations. I told him, to make up an excuse that he has to study or something so his parents cannot pressure him, into going (He did not listen to me, what else can I do?). I even told him to talk with other members of the organization, so they will take up his position. If he does not attend the events once or twice, someone else is bound to take up his position. 

When he was telling me his concerns, I have sat up with him till 1am or 2am or longer throughout 2018, addressing his concerns only. He was confused about his studies. He told me he hated his program. And I initially told him to do masters, so he has more job opportunity. But when he said he cannot even complete his undergrad, I agreed with him to not continue with masters. I even told him do not give up on undergrad he basically needs to push through for 1.5 years, which is basically 1 year and he never has to see books ever again.

In December 2017, when he was applying to get back into University. University almost rejected him. He contacted me saying most likely university isn’t in the books for him. I watched him travel between his college and university, trying to figure out what happened. And when I realized he was stressing, I pushed aside my studies for that day, to help him get back into university.

January 2018, the only form of support I can tell him is to focus on school. I even told him to contact our common friend. She graduated from the same institute for the same programs. She has notes, that would be helpful for him to study off from. That way he won’t be lost in school. I told him to make sure he keeps all his grades around the 3.8 GPA, that way he won’t risk getting any academic warning. I agree I pressured him, only for him to do well. But then he told me he feels pressured. So I told him okay, I will back down. He would message me saying, school is tough. I started to offer him advice to seek on campus help or message Prof/TA for office helps. 

When I went for my vacation around April 29 2018, he had messaged me saying he did not do well  for the Winter semester. He is going to get dismissed, but he wrote in a appeal letter and he is scared. I told him, to not worry if anything goes wrong to transfer into another university using his grades from diploma to get into IT. But most likely, everything will go well and the appeal would be accepted. 

Then it was his career. He told me he does not want a office job. I told him that is fine. He said he wants to set up vending machines and earn finance from that to help medical school loans. I found that a bit unrealistic, and I told him that’s not possible. Then he said he wants to start DJing as a professional career. He asked if I am okay, if he does DJing at clubs. (I haven’t been to a club and I do not have a good view towards clubs either). I initially said no I am not okay, but later when I realized it was his interest. I told him I support him. I told him it is a risk to jump into DJing immediately. But to start it off as a hobby, if it clicks then make it a full time job. He asked me what if he wants to start a business and invest a huge amount in it, so he can’t finance med school. I said that is fine. Under that circumstance I will take time away from medical school, support him until his business starts running. Or if he can hold his business, by then I will complete medical school, have a good earning and I can support his business. (What else, could I possibly say or do more to show him support?).

So you encouraged him to stay with his parents and you encouraged him to practice the religion he hated, you “told him to pray 5 times a day or to eat halal”, and his response, “he would get angry with me”- because you didn’t listen to him, you didn’t stand by his side through thin and thick. The thin (or thick) here was his dislike of his parents and his religion and you stood by his parents and his religion, not by him.

– “told him to pray 5 times a day or to eat halal”, and his response, “he would get angry with me”- I told him this back in 2016 not 2018. 2016 he told me he does not believe in god. I tried to reason with him as to why to believe in God. When I realized he was not having any of it. I stopped. But he also went to Mecca and told me he felt at peace there (From that I knew he does not “hate” Islam). He told me he hates Islam and himself because it is associated with terrorism. And how Islam is not a peaceful religion. That is when I told him Islam is a peaceful religion, he can’t blame entire Islam for a couple of evil people. There is evil people in every religion, even in Christianity. And I told him to attempt to 5 pray times and to eat halal so he does not hate himself for being Muslim. And he encouraged me to read the bible, that never made me stray away from him. (So why is that a excuse for him to stray away from me?). I even told him to teach me more about Islam because I want to know my husbands religion and he wanted to learn about Christianity. We would even pray together because we were trying to unite our religion. During lent he would not eat meat for me and during Eid I would try to fast for him. For a guy who hates Islam why practice Eid and Ramadan? That just told me he does not “hate” Islam.

When he told me he prefers to eat non halal because then he has more food options. I backed down and stopped bugging him for it. Keep in mind, this happened in 2016. (Was I expected to support every single one of his decisions regardless it is wrong or right?). 

2019 he would attempt to choke himself or slap himself. I would give him a hug and he would stop. He would then ask me, why am I protecting him from harming himself? I only told him I care and love him. (If I was suppose to agree to all his decision, which may not be right, was I expected to support what he was doing? I was in a relationship, we are a team. We are one. It is all true. But if one is not heading the right path, should I just let them follow it? All because I am in a relationship, I should never share my opinion? When I was doubtful of medical school, I asked him for his advice. He would tell me with the rate I am going, he does not feel I will make it. But just concentrate on what matters now. I never held that against him. I took his words evaluated it. And he made sense to me). 

You repeatedly wrote that he left you abruptly, but this is not true. On January 2018, “he told me he started to feel suffocated by me”. That suffocation was a slow process, not an abrupt occurrence.

Yes he told me he was suffocated. I also asked him why? To which he had no response. Yet, I tried to make things right and to make things work. I was walking blankly, trying to figure out why he feels suffocated. If these were his reasons, why couldn’t he just tell me? We could have worked on it and fix it. I thought me being anxious was the cause, so I stopped saying anything that worries me. That is when I asked him if he still feels suffocated? If he is happy with us? (I did not ask if he is happy with us, disregarding all his concern). And he told me he does not feel suffocated, he does feel happy with me. When I saw him reluctant to drop me off at the airport, I thought everything was good between us. Why could he not just communicate with me, properly? I did not get upset with him when he told me he feels suffocated. I only tried to fix whatever it is, that is troubling him on my end. Isn’t that how relationships works? (If there is a problem, communicate, find a solution, fix the problem, move on? That is what I have been doing for him, for all these years).

In fact, entire 2018 was about him. The only time it was about me, was during July 2018 when I was waiting for a response for York University with regards to my admission status. Other than that entire 2018 was focused on him. And I never complained about it. Day in and day out I concentrated on his concerns. Repeated it daily.