Dear Miss Healing:

I like your user name, Healing.

It reads heartless on his part, to block you from accessing him after your release from a psychiatric facility, right after an attempted suicide. The bigger picture is that he was in a relationship with you for months while you were very depressed, and you broke up with him prior because ” I felt like I wasn’t contributing to anything in our relationship, instead, I was dragging him with me straight to a dark bottom”-

If you were correct, and for months he was being dragged into a dark bottom, then blocking you was indeed a quick blocking action but slow development.

I can read only your post here, not his. I wonder how he has felt. I don’t know, and neither do you. Instead of looking for an apology (“I don’t want to push him away by insisting on meeting or getting an apology”), I would be looking for information, his input on his experience during the months of your depression leading to the blocking. With that much needed information, you can decide on your next move.

anita

Hi Miss Healing,

You have no idea how much this identifies me (sorry if my English isn’t perfect). I’ve been through the same. My boyfriend for a year and two months decided to move on without me for good six days ago, because of how much deppresed I was, he saw me as baggage and said it was for the best, that he needed space and time to heal, and I needed it too, but I never expected to see him act so cold the way he did, I never expected him not to be the partner and mate he seemed, with that unconditional love I’ve always needed and thought I’d found in him… Two months ago I wouldn’t have believed this break up was going to happen, and specially I wouldn’t have believed he would take things selfishly and cowardly like this because I thought I meant the world to him, or at least, a light to him regardless of my deppression. He’d showed so much support and love before and this is the biggest dissapointment of my life… Two weeks ago he said he loved me so much, he didn’t want us to separate. Now we’re living life without each other, when we were such a united team, and I struggle to explain myself why this had to happen. Why he gave up on me, why I was too much, and always seem to be so much for other people… It’s so heartbreaking to even think of him, and after an ugly online fight that happened after I came home from seeing him, I wanted to kill myself more than ever before, I almost got out of the bus I was in to do a crazy thing… I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts and had two attempts this year and this time I didn’t fully tried but I wanted to… I’m still alive. Yes… I tell to myself, yes. I can’t believe this, but I’ve done more than I wanted or more than I could to keep going… Tomorrow I’m going to the psychologist to talk about this and simply start a mental health care process I should’ve started years ago, and these last four days the friends I barely knew showed me a support that saved me, although it didn’t fill me like my ex’s would… I had bet everything on him, for the first time I felt I had a family and now he’s gone… I’m living with a hole in my body, in my soul, and I’m surviving by spending time and going places with these new friends, trying to study a career I’d started a month ago, and even though it’s hard as hell I have to keep going, for myself, for the time I thought he was my home… He was everything, and now I have to discover what else there is to life in me, and I know there are many many things, but deep inside I know this will haunt me forever ’cause he was the love of my life and I’m desperate inside not knowing if staying in this distance is for the best, but keeping in mind just how much I feel for him, and that I’m capable for wanting to die without him, the best thing I’m trying to do is not dwelling in his absence… I’m sad, I feel it but, I talk to these new friends or even reach out to my mother who I haven’t been having a good relationship… My advice is, don’t let this suffering remove your heart and who you are. Yes, the mark of these two people in our lives is permanent and we won’t be the same again, ever, but that doesn’t have to be always sad and even though this is the worst pain I’d imagined, I beg you to try to heal your heart everyday and focus on what you are without him because you’ve always been this… You’re not alone, even if he was your main rock, yes, it hurts, but I beg you to keep going and discover patiently and with the support and love of others who you are now, he’s missing it but that’s not a concern you should be having now because right now you need healing and you need to survive and get out of this, there are so many people who seem that they can hold our hearts in their hands but if they can’t, don’t blame yourself, don’t diminish your value, your sensitivity and deliver is something other people have to learn from. Coward people unfortunately can be the people we love the most too… And in that case there isn’t so much to do, I pray you get to a place in your head everyday where you see yourself as the pure, brave, human being you are, dealing with all that you’ve been dealing with, which you’ve dealt with alone even if someone was by your side… Ask for the angels in your head to rescue you when you’re falling down in thoughts, allow yourself to feel sadness with a sense of reality, and that reality is, that you’ve gave it all and if someone, anyone, doesn’t appreciate that, it’s not your fault. Only a few are willing to love in the amount that we do, we’re precious and we have a life story of suffering but also giving, and that’s something that overwhelms the ones who are not ready to hold our hearts, even if it’s the hardest thing to accept, no matter how much you may love someone if they don’t give that unconditional love you need, the only thing possible is to let them go, set yourself free and create a path of things that need you for you, without asking you to diminish your feelings, without treating you like you deserve to be lonely. You deserve a whole reality that you’ll see in little moments with friends or new friends or family or even nature and arts, or concerts, or whatever, and your plans as an individual, this is time for a clear start, I promise, and I know what I’m talking about so trust me, have faith in my strength too and know you’re not alone and you’re a warrior and leaving the closed doors for anyone who is not willing to fight for you is one of the most important things to mantain and all this will get better in time. You loved, and loved hard and gave all and that makes you more beautiful than you realise. Hold on, hold on to that. And if you need to, talk to me. Love, so much love to you, warrior, don’t stop the healing for anything, you deserve it all no matter what has happened. This is a new begginning and your bravery won’t ever leave you even if you try to ♥

Dear Miss Healing:

It was painful for you, to be blocked by him the way you were, so you do wish for an apology, a show of regret on his part for hurting you. This is understandable. Hopefully you will get the information you need and hopefully, with honest, ongoing communication, you will get the empathy that you need. I hope you post again.

anita

* Dear luah: it is only a wish on my part, that you will start your own thread to which I can reply, if you would like.

anita

How do I start a thread?