Dear LotusLove:

The two of you decided when you moved in with him last time what not to do: “No more games, No name calling, and no ending  the relationship unless we really mean it”- but the two of you didn’t decided what to do instead.

When not living  together, during the last separation, he may have worked in counseling on some issues and both of you had positive intents, but when living  together same old triggers returned and then the same  reactions to those triggers. It  is  similar to this: away from the bakery a person on a diet is doing well, not eating  cake, but once  back in the bakery, triggered by the sights and  the smell of baking cakes, the person eats and  eats cake, even if  he decides ahead  of time to not eat cake.

I suggest the  two of you decide of doing something positively different when living  together: quality couple therapy if you can afford it would be best. In absence of that, you can maybe get some good literature on communication, a workbook, and the two  of you can do the exercises there. Spend some time doing that every day.

anita

Dear  LotusLove:

I don’t think you can tolerate that, him staying out a few nights a week- not  from reading your sharing so far. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that.

If you agree, then prevent yourself from experiencing  this distress, no sense in getting into a situation that will surely cause you suffering.

What I would do, if I was  you, if you agree with what I wrote here, is suggest to him the couple therapy or communication workbook idea instead of his “solution” and let him know that his solution is not acceptable to you, not an option.

anita