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He Needs Space

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  • #406249
    Tricia
    Participant

    My long distance boyfriend of almost three years is going through some things in his personal life and is depressed.  He’s struggling with his relationships with his children and having trouble at work. The past few months have been bumpy in our relationship and he’s pulled away. He’s gone on a few trips with his guy friends and basically disappeared for days at a time. He tends to put his head in the sand when anything is difficult. Recently he made plans to travel with friends for his birthday and I was planning to meet him after the trip. I found out that he lied about the trip and was home the entire time. I’m struggling with this lie as it was completely unnecessary because I’ve always been supportive of him seeing his friends. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t know why he did it. Now he says he wants space and his feelings for me have changed (but he’s not really ready to breakup). So I’m trying to give him space. But I’m struggling to understand what’s happened to our relationship and also wondering if there are other lies.

    #406255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    I am trying to understand his lie: “I found out that he lied about the trip and was home the entire time.. it was completely unnecessary because I’ve always been supportive of him seeing his friends“-  the lie was that he would travel with friends. How was this lie supposed to pacify your alleged need that he does not see his friends?

    anita

    #406266
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tricia

    My immediate thought about the lie is that it sounds like he needed some time to himself and didn’t want to communicate as much for a few days. Does he have a hard time communicating when he needs space?

    #406270
    Tricia
    Participant

    Anita,

    I don’t quite understand your question exactly. I booked a trip to see him for his birthday and he told me he was going away for the weekend with his friends. That was no big deal at all. I just adjusted my trip to see him when he got back. He said he was in Spain with his friends and he was really at home. But he texted me flight details and was telling me all about his trip while he was away.  So he created this fake trip so he could have his birthday with his friends. This is the part I don’t get. Why not just say that to begin with?  Hope that clears up why I’m confused.

     

     

    #406271
    Tricia
    Participant

    I think he does have a hard time communicating that he needs space. This has been a challenge for him the past few months it seems.

     

    #406274
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Tricia

    From your post you appear to be kind, understanding & supportive towards your boyfriend.

    People who are in a tough place and feel pressurised (it can be hard to meet  what you think is everyones expectations or commitments.) even if there isn’t any, they may lie and then when they get caught out they have put them self into an even worse place.

    I’m struggling to understand what’s happened to our relationship and also wondering if there are other lies. Has your trust in him/relationship been broken or is it dented? I would advise that you take this  time out as an opportunity to nurture yourself and find other things that give you joy & satisfaction so that you are in a stronger, better place no matter what the outcome of this particular episode  is.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    #406275
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    “Why not just say that to begin with?”- by that you mean him saying that he didn’t want you to visit him during the weekend of his birthday?

    If that’s what you meant, I think that “he’s struggling with his relationships with his children and having trouble at work”, and having mental health troubles.

    “He tends to put his head in the sand when anything is difficult“, and recently he … lied to you because something is difficult.

    When I asked him about it he said he didn’t know why he did it“- if his head is in the sand, he can’t see (see what motivates him).

    he texted me flight details and was telling me all about his trip while he was away“- I wonder why he took the time and trouble to dress his lies with texted details and storytelling. Maybe he was afraid that you will find out the truth… has he been afraid of you in the past in any way?

    anita

    #406276
    Tricia
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I don’t think he wanted me to visit the weekend of his birthday. At this point, I think my trust is definitely dented. I am concerned about him and want to provide support but I think he needs to do some work on his own. I don’t think he’s afraid of me and I hope I haven’t created that situation. I think he’s afraid of facing the truth. The distance makes our relationship challenging at times and maybe he was afraid to tell me it’s just too hard. I have more questions than answers.

    #406277
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    You are welcome. “He’s gone on a few trips with his guy friends and basically disappeared for days at a time“- he didn’t lie to you about those weekends, but he lied to you about his recent birthday weekend and added details to his lie because he was afraid. I am guessing that there was something about this weekend that made him afraid of being found out. Could a woman be involved?

    anita

    #406278
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tricia

    I understand very well the difficulties of a long distance relationship. Made even more difficult no doubt by the challenges your partner is facing. He sounds severely depressed.

    How is he around birthdays? Does he face additional depression due to the occasion?

    It is good that he doesn’t want to break up. I hope as his difficulties pass your relationship gets easier.

    I think for someone who has a hard time letting you know when he needs time for himself and likes to bury his head in the sand, the lie makes sense. It would be difficult to have a conversation essentially rejecting a loving celebration. It would take some explaining and skilled communication. I would imagine he would be afraid of hurting you and damaging the relationship.

    I have a question about handling challenges together. You mentioned that he likes to bury his head in the sand. How do you try and support him through his challenges?

    #406281
    Tricia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think another woman is involved. I saw a couple of photos on Facebook from back in May (when we started having some trouble in our relationship). He looks cozy with this woman and there’s a few more from the birthday party with the same woman. So I don’t understand why he asked me for space if he’s seeing someone else. I tried to ask him about it and he shut down. So I don’t know what to do now.

     

    #406282
    Tricia
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Thanks for your perspective. I’ve tried to be supportive while he is going through challenges by encouraging him to take care of himself, take a break and have some fun and make sure he isn’t being hard on himself. I think that I have misread this whole situation (see above post) and the emotional distance between us is because he is seeing someone else. I’ve devastated that this is how my relationship is ending.

     

    #406284
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tricia:

    I think he’s afraid of facing the truth“- you deserve the truth and he is refusing to tell you the truth that he does know, leaving you guessing, in limbo. As troubled as he may be, he is still calling the shots: he decides what happens next, if anything, and you are supposed to… wait for his next move, for as long as it takes?

    I don’t know what to do now“- I would take charge of the situation, if I was you. One way to do it is to communicate to him simply and clearly (not at length) that (1) you deserve the truth that is available to him (is he seeing another woman, something in regard to why he lie to you about the trip), (2) that your relationship is over, and (3) that you will consider getting back together with him if and when he initiates contact with you and offer you the truth that is available to him, truth that you deserve to know.

    anita

     

    #406291
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tricia

    It sounds like you’ve been incredibly supportive and don’t deserve the way you are being treat now. Stonewalling – refusing to discuss this issue is a form of abuse. Ignoring you while there are issues with your relationship is once again stonewalling. Lying to you about his trip, aka gaslighting is also a form of abuse.

    I think it would be hasty to make any snap decisions about this. Has he already denied cheating on you?

    I think the most honest answer you would get is if you messaged the woman in his pictures. I assume that she is tagged and in his friends list somewhere.

    I don’t think giving ultimatums is a good strategy. There is a possibility that he may not be cheating. It could be another explanation. An adult man, with children would probably not have an interest in a long distance relationship if they had an in-person relationship. To do both at the same time would take a very cruel and cowardly character. How does your partner usually treat you?

    Regardless, the way you are being treat right now is not okay. Good luck figuring it all out. Please take care of yourself through all this stress. ❤️

    #406297
    Tricia
    Participant

    I asked him if he’d been with someone else and he said no. The pictures look cozy but doesn’t mean he cheated.  But I can’t help thinking that he did. It would explain a lot of his behavior.  My partner has always been kind and loving too me up until recent months when he was distant and pulling away. I think I have to end this now. He originally asked for some space and said he wanted to work on things but I think he needs to work on himself.  I need to move on but I’m so sad and shocked.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)

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