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He told me he loved me and took it back

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  • #367992
    Rammi
    Participant

    I met a guy on bumble in March this year, we instantly clicked and exchanged numbers. We started talking on the phone and FaceTiming everyday. Due to the pandemic we didn’t meet till May. On our first date, It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing. Since we had gotten to know each other already things were very natural. I ended up spending the night with him. The next day he asked me out again and it kind of became a thing where I started spending every weekend at his place. We made it official as bf gf.

    Now the issues, he’s 28, I’m 34. Before even starting to talk we talked about this and age didn’t matter to either of us, he always thought I looked much younger than I am anyways. We spoke about what we want from this and I let him know that I’m looking for something serious  and I would like to settle down. I also made it clear that I’m not looking to date for years and years.  He said he’s not the same page.

    first few months were amazing, he met my friends, they all loved him. After so long I thought I finally found someone that I like, I’m attracted to and I could see a future with him. He showed the same feelings towards me. Off course we had little arguments but nothing major. Stuff like you need to call me everyday and why didn’t you text back for 3-4 hours.

    Since we met in May, we spent every Friday Saturday and Sunday together till August. He started making other plans or not wanting to see me on the weekend. However he wouldn’t tell me in advance so I’d almost be waiting for him to tell me what’s going on. The real issue started when I asked him to meet him brother, since I’m spending so much time with him, I understand if he’s not ready to meet my parents. We are indian so it’s a huge deal to meet parents. He said no to meeting my brother and I felt like he shouldn’t have, we were practically living together 3-4 days a week for the last 3.5 months. In that time I helped him move, we celebrated his birthday. One thing I realized is tht besides his roommate no one knew about me, no family, no siblings, no coworkers.  He didn’t have many friends because he moved here from Boston.

    after the argument of meeting meeting my brother, he didn’t call or text me for a week. I asked him if he’s going to stop talking to me over an argument. He said he’s not sure if he wants to talk or not.  I asked him what he meant.  Like are you breaking up with me? Or not talk today? He didn’t reply text or call for a week.  I didn’t try either because he never responded to me wanting an explanation. A week later he messaged me on Instagram! Not even a call or text. Basically saying how miserable he was without me. But he also said he stopped himself from reaching out?!?! I dunno why.

    After speaking to him and taking some time to think, I had decided I should meet him and break up because I can’t be with someone that will just leave or think it’s ok not to call or message or talk to you GF for a week.

     

    when I met him for dinner he knew he messed up and said that he missed me and he’s sorry. I told him I can’t trust him, what if he does this again and he told me he loves me and his time away made him realize that. He also told me that he will be telling his parents about me (once again huge deal for Indians, we only introduce bF or GFs if we want to marry them).  He even told me that he wants to marry me and he sees a future with me.

    now you might think this is all too fast, but culturally it isn’t.  Also we weren’t going to get married for at least a year, we had previously discussed all these things. Along with kids, income, where we want to live. So it wasn’t a shock that he said he sees a future with me. I decided to give him a second chance.

    fast forward to Sept, I asked him if he has told his parents yet and he said no he would this week. for the holiday weekend he made plans with his relatives, however never told me till I asked him let’s go away or do something, this upset me so much.  He doesn’t need my permission but as your partner, run it by me or inform me or ask me if I have anything going on.  The next day we spoke and he said he wants to spend the weekend with me and that plans weren’t confirmed with relatives.

    We spent the entire weekend together, we went on day trips, we had an amazing weekend. Almost a month since we told each other we love each other. I noticed small changed in his behavior, not being touchy feely as we usually are, however nothing so alarming.  I asked him if he told his parents about me yet and he said no he will. At the end of the weekend I asked him if I can stay over Monday night as well, because I was planning on surprising him with a winery day and we would both call in sick at work. He didn’t want me to stay.  I felt upset and unwanted. We went to dinner and I was disconnected and upset.  He didn’t bother to try and make things better. After dinner he just left without talking about what happened and also knowing he was upset.   The next day I got one text from him in the morning and nothing after.  I called him and asked him if he’s planning on disappearing again since he didn’t call or text me.  He said he needed space, I asked him like how?  He said I don’t know, then I asked him if it’s about him telling his parents about me? I asked him if he wants to, he said yes he does.  So I got frustrated at the whole situation and told him not to call me till he tells his parents.

    the next day no call or text from him, I called him in the evening and was just upset that he wouldn’t even try and talk to me.  He then told me he thinks things are not going to workout, I was like what? He’s told me he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know if he wants to spend his life with me. I asked him why he said all those things to a month ago? He said he didn’t want to lose me. I asked him if he’s ok with losing me now? He said he want sure. After all this he told me he didn’t want to spend the weekend with me and that he did just so we wouldn’t argue and he said he said those things to make me happy  and he felt pressured.  I never pressured him to tell me he loves me and wants to marry me. After our conversation he said let’s take some space and I declined and wanted to just break it off.  He agreed.

    I was left so confused and devastated. How can someone tell you they love you only to tell you they don’t a month later.  I reached out to him to get closure or a better explanation since this was over the phone, I am in love with him and had so much pain and guilt and so many things going on in my head. I don’t know when or where his feelings changed. Why would he say those things and why is he breaking up with me after a good weekend together, over an argument.  He told me he would never leave me, even if his parents had an issue with my age.  All the promises, broken.  I’m hurting so much.

    i reached out to him a week after , he didn’t answer, I reached out again last week (1.5 month later) to get closure and he didn’t answer but he texted me saying he will call me tomorrow. He never called. I don’t know how to feel or what to do.  Should I move on or keep trying to talk to him?

    #367993
    Marie
    Participant

    If he’s telling you he’s going to call/contact you,then wait a few more days. When and if he does talk to you, I would talk to him, so that there are no more Mis-understandings so that you at least know his expectations going forward and yours.

     

    All the best!

    #367995
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    You shared that you (34) met a man (28) on Bumble in March 2020. You talked on the phone and Facetimed every day, but because of the pandemic you didn’t meet in person until May. First date: “It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing… things were very natural. I ended up spending the night with him”.

    Following that first night together, the two of you “made it official as bf gf” and spent every weekend together, Friday- Sunday, May to August. Sometime in August, he “started making other plans or not wanting to see me on the weekend”, and he didn’t tell you in advance about his other plans, “I’d almost be waiting for him to tell me what’s going on”.

    He met your friends, but “besides his roommate, no one knew about me, no family, no siblings, no coworkers”, you wrote. “We are Indian, so it’s a huge deal to meet parents…  we only introduce bfs or gfs if we want to marry them”. Not wanting to move toward such a huge commitment, you asked him to meet your brother, not your parents. He refused and you argued. After that he didn’t call you or text you for a week.

    After that week he sent  you a message on Instagram that he was miserable without you. You met him for dinner, intending to break up with him, but he told you that he missed you and that he is sorry. You told him that you “can’t trust him, what if he does this again”, and he told you that he loves you and that “he will be telling his parents about me.. He even told me that he wants to marry me”.

    In September, you asked him if he told his parents yet, and he said he would, but he didn’t. After a few days, he told you that “he thinks things are not going to work out” and that he doesn’t love you. You asked him why he told you otherwise a month before, and his answers were:  “he didn’t want to lose me.. he said those things to make me happy and he felt pressured”.

    You wrote and asked: “How can someone tell you they love you only to tell you they don’t a month later… I don’t know when or where his feelings changed. Why would he say those things… He told me he would never leave me… All the promises, broken… I reached out again last week (1.5 months later) to get closure.. he texted me saying he will call me tomorrow. He never called”.

    My attempted answers to your questions: it is easy to say things. It takes so very little time and effort to say words, a few seconds and the words “I love you” are said. A few more seconds and the words “I want to marry you” are said.

    A man, or woman, may mean these words when saying them, but often they are said impulsively, in the heat of the moment, when chemistry is amazing. Often, these words are not said thoughtfully, with a plan in mind, or with any practical thinking regarding what it takes to put these words into action.

    Sometimes, a man will say these words because he is afraid to lose the woman and an “I love you/ I want to marry you” are magical words to many women, words that make women change their minds when they want to break up with a man. These words change the mind of an angry woman, easy to say, great results.

    “I don’t know when or where his feelings changed”- feelings by nature change. They change with the passage of time, place and circumstances. What is less of a product of change is a person’s values. Some people value keeping their word/ promises. Other people don’t.

    When you had your first date, he enjoyed himself very much, he liked you, had a good time, so he wanted more and more of it, spending every weekend with you.. until he had enough of a good time, and he was done.

    In your previous thread, March of this year, you shared about another man whom you never met but “been on and off.. for the past 6-7 years”. He too did not keep his word/ promises to you. You wrote at the time: “When something so devastating to you happens, it changes you for life. I found myself questioning everything about myself… my looks, my actions, my words, pictures I posted, and my personality… I didn’t understand how you can do the things he did to someone you claim you love… I don’t know why he keeps taking things further when he has no intentions of being with me.. I’m just confused”-

    – it seems to me that the experience with the other man did not change you for life, and it seems to me that you didn’t answer the question you asked. You didn’t understand, following that experience, that words are indeed easy to say, that enunciated, they are not carved in stone. It is too easy and quick.. and convenient to say words for the many people who lack the strong value of following their words with actions.

    But you did answer one question at the time, March of this year: “I realized if a person didn’t love me enough to explain themselves to me or share their thoughts then that person wasn’t for me”- and indeed, in regard to the recent man, after the week that followed his refusal to meet you brother, a week of him not explaining himself to you, you did decide to break up with him. But you changed your mind because he said he was sorry, because he said he loved you and that he will marry you.

    If you want to attempt to answer your own questions more thoroughly, and ask new questions, I will be glad to help you in that effort.

    anita

     

    #368075
    Rammi
    Participant

    I have deleted his number from my phone and will not contact him again.  I believe I deserve to be loved and I deserve a lot more than I was being given by him.

    #368077
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rammi:

    You do deserve to be loved, Rammi, and I hope you do find love soon enough. Post again anytime.

    anita

     

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