He went crazy and then disappeared

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This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by Valora.

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October 4, 2019 at 8:43 am #315949

Samantha
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I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 months and it was somewhat of a rocky relationship. I should have ended it a while ago but I kept giving him chances. When he didn’t get his own way, he would go crazy and start screaming, hitting himself in the head. We would have arguments and he would scream at me in my face and swear at me in Spanish. (He’s Spanish) after one argument he went back to Spain without telling me and lied and told me he was still in the country. But he did come back. When he came back, he was even worse. We had another argument and he went MENTAL. He was so angry that he ripped my dress from top to bottom in rage, refused to give me the dress back or let me put clothes on. He trashed my apartment and started screaming at me again. I kicked him out of my apartment and I’ve not seen or heard from him since. I messaged him as I’ve found out that he cheated on me. However, I’ve not had a response. I literally don’t understand why I’m obsessing over not having closure about the cheating or whatever as he was a complete idiot and the relationship wasn’t right. It’s driving me insane and I just want to move on. Can anyone help? Has anyone been in this position before?

October 4, 2019 at 8:57 am #316011

Valora
Participant

I really think you should block all contact with him and literally never speak to him again. If he tries to come back into your life, do not let him, and if he ever forcefully tries to reenter your life, get a restraining order. This man sounds really dangerous.

As for the need for closure, that’s just something our minds THINK we need to move on, but we don’t actually need it and you can move on without it. Just look at his behavior so far. There really isn’t anything he can tell you that is going to make what he’s done feel better or even okay, and it will likely just make you feel worse… so I would write down, on a list, everything he has done that has been abusive or unfair and that you do NOT want in a boyfriend and use that list as your closure. Read it every time you start feeling bad or feeling like you need to talk to him. Most of all, be patient with yourself and give yourself time to detach. You may have had a rocky relationship, but you still have an attachment to this man, and it will take time for that to dissolve and that is normal. But in order for you to be able to let go and move on, you have to distance yourself.

October 4, 2019 at 9:53 am #316025

Samantha
Participant

Thank you so much, Valera. You’re completely right. I would never speak to him again, but it’s just making me feel completely crazy. The main thing is that I found these messages etc in a phone that he left at my house of girls that he was messaging etc asking for sex etc. I confronted him about it after I kicked him out and just didn’t get a response. Think that’s the thing that’s driving me crazy most of all. I’m going to get on with writing this list! Thank you again 🙂

October 4, 2019 at 3:32 pm #316109

Aiko
Participant

Him leaving was a blessing.

may be look up “trauma bonding.”

Itll heal with time. Start dating other people or distracting yourself with things you enjoy . A few months later, he’ll be in the back of your mind. Then he won’t be there anymore. That’s just how our brains work.

October 4, 2019 at 9:26 pm #316165
Valora
Participant
You’re welcome! I can see how that would drive you nuts and how you would want answers from him, it’s a betrayal! He betrayed you and that feels awful and I’m sure a big part of you wants to hear what he has to say for himself. You’re not crazy and what you’re feeling is normal. I’ve even been there myself… I had an ex that cheated on me a lot and I found out through messages on his computer, and I can tell you that nothing he said made me feel any better about what he did. Even when he apologized, I couldn’t trust him anymore and his words didn’t heal the betrayal. It’s just something he shouldn’t have done in the first place, and an honest and loyal man would never even think of betraying you in that way. Plus, if you give him a chance to talk to you, even if it’s just to get some answers, you’re much more likely to end up back in that situation (if he sweet-talks you and makes you feel like he knows he made a mistake and it “won’t happen again”), which honestly sounds like a dangerous situation for you to be in.

I think if you just give yourself some time to process what you’ve found out, let yourself go through the stages… grief, anger, etc., feel them all and then let them pass, and after some time you will feel better and I’m sure you’ll be glad you were able to get out of this situation before it got REALLY bad. I have a friend who was with a man who did those kinds of things… she was attached to him so much, though, that it took him almost killing her for her to finally leave. He had knocked her out and she woke up as he was dragging her into a lake. She was able to get away though, thankfully, and he is now in jail. So it’s a blessing that you got out of that situation before it went that far for you, too.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Valora.
October 5, 2019 at 4:00 am #316187

Peggy
Participant

Hi Samantha,

I absolutely agree that you should have nothing more to do with this man ever again. Sending messages to other women of a sexual nature is just an extension of his problem. That’s all you need to know. It’s all part of his problem. He is a very disturbed man and isn’t worth your mental energy. He needs expert help. Your top priority is to keep yourself safe.

Best Wishes

Peggy

October 5, 2019 at 4:46 am #316193

Samantha
Participant

Thank you all! Yes, that’s probably why I stayed with him for so long – he used to beg me to take him back, cry, told me he loved me etc. And I used to believe him. He bagged his things up and went to Spain without telling me…pretended he was still in the country and I only found out because I rang him and got the international dialling tone. I took him back for the week, then found all these things out. I feel bad also, because when I kicked him out of my apartment, he was wandering around all night with no-where to go. Even though, he told me that he had somewhere to go (his own apartment). But I don’t think he did, I think he used me. He’s blocked me on everything anyway and I can’t get in touch with him, not that I want to. But a part of me did think he would have the decency to apologise or something. Suppose people don’t think the same way. I’ve looked at trauma bonding and it’s defo something that I can relate to!

October 5, 2019 at 9:00 am #316179

Bdpnpc
Participant

What kind of problems a student or a child has with their own lives can be somewhat realized. But some problems may not mix with my life. And it is not possible for anyone else to solve the child’s problems as easily as a parent or guardian can. It is not possible for a teacher to see a parent as closely as his child can see. Prejudice may arise if the teacher sees it that way. But to parents all children are equal. I’m not saying that teachers are biased. However you cannot say that it is not my fault.
So I was saying, “Teach your child about an hour a day.” When you read yourself, your tone will shake. You will either be surprised at the good idea or the worst. If good, you will find his interest in your hands. And if you get bad, you will have time to think about how to do good. It is a matter of reading. In addition, illness is a hidden and difficult problem that is not always possible for a person to tell everywhere. These problems can be captured very quickly if parents are on the side, especially if they are busy with regular education.

October 5, 2019 at 10:06 am #316229

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Samantha:

“I literally don’t understand why I’m obsessing over not having closure about the cheating or whatever as he was a complete idiot and the relationship wasn’t right”-

– when you say he was a “complete idiot”- it sounds like he made mistakes, nothing serious. When you focus on the cheating, it is as if the cheating was the one bad thing in the relationship, or the worse thing.

But this behavior: “screaming, hitting himself in the head.. scream at me in my face and swear at me.. he ripped my dress from top to bottom in rage.. trashed my apartment and started screaming at me again”- this behavior is worse than cheating. And the fact that he swore at you in Spanish doesn’t make it cute, or exotic. Not if you are sensible in how you view people and situations.

A person is dangerous when not in control of his or her behavior. Reads like he lacks adequate self control and because of that he can seriously hurt himself and others. Don’t be that other that he can hurt. And if there is something you can do to protect others from a person out-of-control, children, the public at large- do so.

anita

October 6, 2019 at 4:22 am #316285

Samantha
Participant

Thank you all. I’m feeling a bit better after reading all the comments. My friend noticed that he was on tinder, with a fake age and a fake job. So we reported him. Hopefully that’ll keep other people safe also.

October 6, 2019 at 5:40 am #316289

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Samantha:

You are welcome. Excellent job reporting him. Anything we can do to protect others is a good thing to do.

anita

October 6, 2019 at 10:29 am #316323

Valora
Participant

Great idea to report him! I’m glad you’re feeling better, too! It was a blessing to be able to get away from him!
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