Dear Anita,

“this is so beautiful that I had to quote it all just so to see it again, it makes me smile and feel so good about you!”

I am glad. It was one of the things I’ve been thinking about telling you but waiting for a good timing. I did notice the times you mentioned fantasy about talking to me over the phone, helping me escape my mother, or… being there, holding my hand and helping me through each step of the way. I was deeply moved by those parts of your posts, yet I didn’t reply to those specifically.

Every of those would have been an occasion to tell I’ve had those small daydreaming about you. Not something like you helping me escape, no… mostly just about what our connection would look like if we could interact in real life, how I would feel… And it makes me feel really good to imagine this.

I didn’t dare to tell you, because it would show attachment, and since we both experience fear of emotional attachment I am instinctively wary about showing signs and telling about it. I can do it though, slowly, when the timing feels right… with hopes if I do it in the right way it will be good for both of us.

Figuring out the right way to go with attachment is difficult. I base myself on the attachment theory of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby (I don’t know if you’re familiar with this?) and my personal emotional experience. My personal experience as a receiver :

– too much clinginess (from interaction with anxious attachment, coming from a fear of abandonment) feels suffocating, unsafe because I’m not trusted and I can’t feel free to be myself because I have to be wary of not harming the other person’s feelings with everything I do… So, not good. It can fall into unhealthy caretaking.

– too much distance (from interaction with avoidant attachment, coming from a fear of intimacy) is alright when I don’t feel ready to being emotionally attached either, but when I feel some attachment it can go from… feeling disheartened to being heart-broken, and maybe awoken some anxious attachment feelings that I kill immediately because I know from my inner emotional experience that clinginess will make it worse.

Now, as the person feeling and showing attachment to others, I relate to both anxious and avoidant feelings… (which would mean I have a fearful-avoidant attachment, I guess) Though, being more of an half-dead trunk than a person, I didn’t act on my feelings most of the time, I was trying to be more of an observant. When I didn’t have a choice because I was directly sollicited, I tried to tempered whatever I was feeling. And after I discovered attachment theory and what Secure attachment was supposed to be like, I tried to emulate it. I am still aiming towards that, learning to trust, learning to alright with expressing and receiving affection, and reminding myself that distance isn’t necessarily leading to rejection or harm.

I am willing to let our connection be a blossom on my trunk, and I want to do it the healthy and secure way for both of us. Of course, there will always be some fear, anxiety, awkwardness… this is a whole package coming with the emotional attachment (this package thankfully includes joy, warmth, excitement!) The negative aspects of it are intensified by our similar childhood experiences that lead us to insecure attachment patterns, but as we are both on our healing journey I believe it is safe enough for us to… go for it. At the pace that feels right, since we are patient this shouldn’t be a problem to go slowly and safely. Carefully, because we both care about each other.

Coming back to the bits of daydreaming I had about you. I didn’t dare to go too far because I don’t want to let my mind build expectations. I believe it could come in the way of our connection if I let myself feel any expectation. I rather experience our connection as it is, with the real you. I still have these bits of daydreaming because it is how my attachment towards you expresses itself. If we were around each other, I could look at you and pay attention. If you seem uncomfortable, we could talk and try to reach some clarity and peace (if you needed space and no talking it would be alright with me too). If you seem comfortable, we could just enjoy it. Maybe, after looking at you in the eyes and confirming you feeling good, I would dare to tell you how good I feel about you and our connection. Maybe I would dare to ask you about what kind of intimacy you are comfortable about, if I feel bold and confident enough, or maybe I would ask you what would make you happy to do right now if I still feel shy but want to show you affection in a softer way.

These daydreams don’t exactly reach an end because it is just me imagining how I could express affection safely for both of us, and how I could react to different possible actions and reactions from you. They are some kind of simulation, some kind of training that makes me feel good and reassures me in my ability to handle a close connection safely.

I hope you’ll sleep longer tonight!

Linarra

Dear Anita,

” All the academic information, as interesting as it is, will not bring about anything good unless the person you get attached to is worthy of your trust.”

Indeed, if there’s no trust it doesn’t work either way..

“Earlier I thought about calling you and it occurred to me that you are living with.. Her, and what if she gets on the phone and harasses me, what if she finds our communication here, email.. and attacks me, perceiving me as the Danger-Out-There.. I don’t want her or people like her in my life.”

Living with her made me keep people I care about away from my house (and unfortunately from me) for their own safety for very long. I don’t want her anywhere near you. I don’t want you to ever meet her, and I don’t want you to have to hear her voice.

If we have a phone call I will get out and hide from her. I will be careful. It is my job to protect my loved ones from the monster, whether it is by keeping them away from me (if I’m unable to leave) or maybe, when/if I’m able to leace, by being away from her myself. There is just no doubt in my head that as long I am within this home, the people I care about outside have to be away from me…

Until now it wasn’t exactly a big issue, because my friends can’t or don’t care much about visiting me. For those who aren’t living nearby it visiting me never has been an option, and for those who do live nearby we just hang out outside. It is the first time I have to worry about having someone wanting to see me, so… I am a bit unprepared. I would have to prepare and plan things ahead. If I still live with her I guess we would meet far from where I live and I would lie to her about who I’ll be with (a lie that would prevent some fuss). To be honest farther than that I cannot imagine, because there’s no way to know what the future is made of, whether it is for Covid or my ability to leave home.

I can just promise I wouldn’t let her near you, whatever it takes.

” sitting in an outdoors casual restaurant with you, it’s quiet enough to talk but the noises around are pleasant, people talking to each other, seeming happy.. and we sit there, maybe drinking cappuccino with foam, your face so young, mine much older.. a smile, maybe a shy smile on my face, on yours, the sun is pleasant, warm but not hot, some traffic noise.. sitting there enjoying the pleasant sun, the sounds, noticing the awkward feeling and reminding each other that it’s okay to feel awkward, no need to add awkward on top of awkward… “

The scenery seems nice. I’m feeling anxiety because my past experiences of having anxiety in crowded places, but this anxiety is bearable when I’m with someone I trust. And I can still try to improve my anxiety management until then.

” Maybe it’s later in the day and we an have a glass or red wine (I will have to add a sweetener to it, which might offend proud wine drinkers… will it offend you?)”

I wouldn’t be offended by such things. I’m am no proud drinker (of wine or anything, alcohol upset my stomach too easily) and when I have any kind of alcohol I prefer it sweet so, no offense. For that or any food preference by the way. I’m not exactly sure why people are wasting their energy criticizing other people’s personal preferences.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

“I deeply appreciate your promise and the fact that you went out of your way to expand on this promise in the three paragraphs preceding it… thank you.”

You’re welcome. It is important to me.

” I didn’t think about that. I would rather then meet you in a park, sitting alone on the grass, maybe by some kind of flowing water, no one close by, people being at a safe distance. And no alcohol because it upsets your stomach.. maybe we can have a to go coffee or hot chocolate and a croissant from a nearby shop, have our little picnic.”

I like it better, nature is more peaceful, and picnic are nice. If you want to try a restaurant or anything later it can be done, but maybe for the first meeting nature is better for me, less overwhelming. I will keep you updated though, if I end up feeling more comfortable in crowded place. And well I wouldn’t keep you from wine either. I am not uncomfortable with you having it even if I don’t drink alcohol (and I might if I feel like I can handle it, just have to be careful because I’m not a regular drinker). I’m sure we’d be able to figure out something nice, with a little bit of planning (I’m really bad at improvising, I like to be prepared, though I’m not against following the flow when I’m with someone I trust. As long we’re able to relax everything is fine.)

Linarra

Dear Anita,

Just the moment before… I was in my bed, relaxed, sleeping. Until I heard the monster’s voice coming nearby. She was talking on the phone, going towards my room. I jumped from my sleep and managed to make her understand she had to back off with signs. Thankfully she listened and left me alone. But I’m not relaxed anymore.

My progresses aren’t good enough. Even if I’m able to calm myself down, it’s still feeling unsafe. It will be for as long as I live with her, for as long she’s in my life…

She terrorized me from phone calls, terrorized me from driving, terrorized me from people, she made me feel like I couldn’t do anything. She hurt me so bad, and I didn’t protect myself well enough. I don’t know how I can still let it happen. I don’t know how I can manage to save myself when my energy and power is crushed down and reduced into pieces everytime I’m trying to heal just enough so I can have what it takes to leave. She always ruins anything that is good.

I don’t know what I’m digging… A hole in my prison, or my own grave. I don’t know.

I hope I’ll be able to come up with something…

Linarra

Dear Anita,

If I summarize it, the woman who gave birth to me feel emotions (which is alright) but the way she displays them has a purposefully twisted aim: manipulation of the emotions of ‘her’ children, so she can have power over them and own them, making them stay despite the abuse and the pain. Which is wrong, and makes her wicked.

 “I feel hate for her, hate as in strong anger. I hate it that she succeeded in … habituating you to abuse.”

Legitimate hate. It is good to have someone who is able to remind me what is wrong when my habituation is blinding/numbing me. I pay more attention and care to other people’s emotions, especially those I care about. When you are angry, it makes me make an extra effort, because I care about how you feel and what leads you to feel that way. So I try to view things the way you see them, in order to understand what you see and understand your feelings better. And it makes me reevaluate, reminding me of the familiar feelings I have when I am not numb.

It is a strange way to proceed for me, but it works well enough. I guess it is a bit like when you mentioned how our conversation was helping you before. It is easier to feel for me when I know you went through similar things and were deeply hurt and angry. Because I feel the wrong at what happened to you, and because I trust your recognition ot that fact that what is happening to me is wrong even when I am too numb/habituated to really feel it… because of that, I am able to see it more clearly. And maybe feel it a bit more without falling into an urgent numbing…

“Expecting yourself to expand because of abuse is an unreasonable expectation because NATURE’S WAY is to withdraw, not to expand when .. abused by the weather= lack of rain for too long.”

Before, I would numb myself and not listen. Not allowing myself to acknowledge the pain because I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, if I deserved a better situation, and the shame was just not allowing me to consider my pain. I was too busy attacking myself to make myself stronger even if it made no sense. It is… helpful to not jumping on those bad habits anymore.

I am not healed, but at least I’m not working against my own healing anymore. Not as strongly at least, I am more able to recognize when I’m adding hurt to the hurt, and stop it.

“congratulations for regularly brushing your teeth and showering! Did I mention that I hate this woman, that woman who does not deserve the title Mother.. but Monster? Did you notice that the two words are similar: Mother/ Monster?”

It is nice, to not be alone in hating her… And I did notice the similarity between Mother and Monster as we changed the terms. Not that all mothers are monsters, but those who are monsters really have the perfect opportunities for big damages. There is really no defense for children, they are entirely relying on them and have no choice.

“: to attract a rich man so to get his money were PITIFUL, and further humiliating.. as I too felt “incapable.. even that I wouldn’t do”, couldn’t more like it, incapable of doing what my mother needed me to do, so it seemed to me”

By being capable of doing it, we would have given more power to the monsters… so being incapable wasn’t a bad thing.

“tiny bit stronger on tiny buddha (I like this play with words)”

It is cute and positive, it made me smile. Tiny buddha is really a breath of fresh air to me.

 “this reminds me of The Beautiful Story of the Chained Elephant “

Oh I remember this story, you mentioned it in a thread I read and I relate to it. Learned helplessness, training/conditioning… A very powerful way to remove the power of someone… A concept I’ve been taught again and again in my psychology classes and yet, strangely, knowing about it, seeing it… isn’t sufficient to fight back the phenomenon. It’s a bit ridiculous, but it is how powerful it can be sometimes… I guess, for all the years I have been taught to feel helpless, it may take me a lifetime to heal myself from the consequences of this… training.

Linarra