This has by far been one of the hardest couple of months in my entire life. I lost a very young and close family member to a long twelve-year battle of disease, the same week my fiancé broke up with me, and I would later find out that I lost my job. I have been trying to read posts, and do meditation classes, but deep down I feel so much sorrow.
My fiancé and I were together for five years and engaged for a year. This past year she found out that she got diagnosed with the same disease that my family member had passed from, I was transitioning careers, we lost our house because of an unconfirmed degree of mold poising, our wedding plans went out the window from the job and moving, and I fell into an extremely depressive state. This entire process happened within the span of 5 months. The last part of the year was resentment and both of us just not being compassionate people. After she broke up with me, I started seeing a therapist, and learned more about myself in two months than I have in twenty-six years of my life. I realized that a lot of my issues were from me projecting my natural insecurities to run and hide, and lash out at people that were really there trying to support me. My upbringing was not of a supportive nature, with a father that was never there, and a long career in an industry where not a single boss knew how to take a compliment if punched them in the face, or respect the value of others. All of these interactions grew on me, and without me even noticing it, after 4 solid years of a relationship; I stopped nurturing it when everything started falling apart.
I’m not going to pretend like it was only this last year that we had our issues, we had some issues, but early on we were able to reconcile and be better people from it. What I guess I’m struggling with is the understanding that this part of my life needed to happen. I needed to have an attitude adjustment, I was in a trance, and I treated my partner worse that I would treat any stranger off the street. I’m happy that I got this change, but she says that she can’t be with someone that she feels like she needs to change, that we both deserve to be with someone that will love you for exactly who they are. Why can’t she see that she has made me a better person for all of this? I feel like she is trying to bear all the weight on herself that she is a bad person for wanting me to change, and willing to accept that there is no going back. It easy for one side to look at the happy moments and the other side to only see negatives, I wish someday we can reconcile our differences and understand we were both in bad places and that I was so grateful for this opportunity as painful as it’s been, to look at myself from a different perspective.