Menu

Heartache husband left me

HomeForumsTough TimesHeartache husband left me

New Reply
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #445585
    Suzanne
    Participant

    I’ve been married 30 years. My husband left me for a younger woman he is cheating on me with. I begged him to stay. He has turned so cold and I’m devastated. He was my family and best friend. I’m broken. I’m searching for some help. I saw a zen video online that helped me. I was viewing videos get him back or pray for him to come back. I love him I want him back despite how he left. I’m pathetic.

    #445593
    anita
    Participant

    I hear your pain. Suzanne, and will reply further Sun morning (Sat evening here].
    Anita

    #445594
    Suzanne
    Participant

    Thank you 🙏

    #445596
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Suzanne:

    I will reply further tomorrow, but for now: I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. After 30 years, losing not just a partner but someone who felt like your family and best friend is devastating. It makes sense that this feels unbearable, and it’s okay to grieve. Please know that your emotions—your heartbreak, your longing, and even your confusion—are valid.

    But I want to gently remind you: you are not pathetic. You are someone who has loved deeply, and that is not a weakness—that is strength. Right now, it may feel impossible to imagine moving forward, but you will heal in time. You deserve love, respect, and someone who values you, not someone who walks away without care.

    If that Zen video gave you even the smallest moment of comfort, keep seeking more things that bring you peace. Whether it’s mindfulness, writing here, talking to someone, or even just breathing through each painful moment—small steps will add up. You are worthy of love, especially the love you give yourself. Be gentle with yourself right now. Wishing you strength.

    More tomorrow.

    anita

    #445598
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Suzanne

    How are you doing?

    I’m so sorry to hear that your husband of 30 years has left you. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. It seems like your world has been turned upside down. I don’t think you’re pathetic for loving him or wanting him back. It is a massive shock and will take time for you to process. If there is anything else that you would like to share, please do. ❤️

    I would encourage you to contact a lawyer and try to get your side of things squared away. They would know best what to advise. You deserve to be protected as much as possible in this difficult time. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you rush through with a separation. I just want your assets to be protected. They will have advise specifically about that.

    You deserve to be protected as much as possible. This is hard enough, without being blindsided any further. You matter! ❤️

    #445599
    Suzanne
    Participant

    Thank you for your words that help me. He left me for a much younger woman. That adds to my devastation. It’s mom’s day my daughter is next to me sleeping. She is in her 20s. When our eyes meet the pain we both share I feel. I need to see a lawyer and tomorrow my friend is coming with me. I keep seeking comfort from a power greater than me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I’m always letting them out. And that can be a problem.

    #445600
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Suzanne:

    The mention of Mother’s Day and the silent understanding between you and your daughter shows how this situation affects both of you. It’s not just personal heartbreak—it’s a family wound.

    As for letting emotions out—it is not a problem. Feeling deeply is part of healing, even though it hurts. You don’t have to suppress your feelings or pretend to be okay before you’re ready. You deserve compassion, including from yourself.

    When your life has been intertwined with someone for decades, losing them can make you feel lost, like you don’t know who you are without them. This can create a sense of unworthiness, because if you believe your value was built around being his wife, his rejection might feel like proof that you are somehow “not enough.”

    And when they leave for someone much younger, it can add another layer of pain—comparison, insecurity, self-doubt, wondering if you were somehow “replaced” for being older, as if your age somehow makes you unlovable.

    But hear this: love is not measured by youth—it is measured by depth, kindness, and integrity. And none of those qualities depend on the person who left you.

    Instead of directing your love toward someone who discarded it, what if you poured that love into yourself?

    I know part of you still wants him back. But I ask you to consider: If he did return, would the trust ever heal? Would you ever truly feel safe with him?

    * Zen teaches that suffering does not come from what happens to us—it comes from our attachment to what we think should be different. Right now, your heart is aching because you had a vision of your life, built over 30 years, and suddenly, that vision has shattered. Your pain is real, your loss is real—but Zen reminds us that clinging to what has already changed deepens suffering.

    This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings. Zen never says, “Just move on.” It says: Acknowledge the pain, sit with it, but do not let it define you. Zen teaches that desire, when clung to, keeps us trapped. Not because wanting love is wrong, but because longing for what has gone prevents peace.

    Zen asks: What happens when you let go of the need for him to come back? What happens when you shift from asking “Why did this happen to me?” to “What can I create for myself now?”

    Zen encourages stillness—not as avoidance, but as a way to see yourself clearly beyond the pain. What would happen if you sat for just a moment and asked:

    “Who am I, outside of this heartbreak?” “What part of me is waiting to be discovered now that my identity isn’t tied to this marriage?”

    Zen reminds you that you are already whole. The loss feels unbearable, but your life is still unfolding. His choices do not define your future. You are not pathetic—you are human, hurting, and healing.

    You do not need to force change or erase feelings. But you can loosen your grip on what was —and in that space, something new will rise.

    * Radical Acceptance is a term used in psychotherapy that has deep roots in Buddhist philosophy.

    From Life Zen. com/ what is radical acceptance: “Radical Acceptance is about accepting reality AS IS—without resistance… It’s a life philosophy that aims to reduce suffering by embracing life’s challenges without trying to change or deny them… Instead of dwelling on what could have been or what should be, you simply embrace the reality of the situation… By accepting the reality of a situation, you eliminate your internal struggle against it. This reduction in inner conflict can significantly decrease stress and anxiety.”

    “Radical Acceptance is NOT about saying ‘yes’ or ‘okay’ to anything. You’re not agreeing or approving. It’s more like recognizing that something is happening or has happened… Radical acceptance is NOT about hiding your feelings. It’s about letting all your feelings exist…

    “Implementing Radical Acceptance in your daily life is like giving yourself a gift – the gift of peace amidst the chaos… Create an ‘Acceptance mantra’… like ‘This is how it is right now’ or ‘I accept what I cannot change.’ Repeat this mantra when things get tough to bring your focus back to acceptance…

    “Life is a series of small moments. Embrace them! Find joy in a cup of coffee, a friendly smile, or the warmth of sunlight. Radical Acceptance is also about appreciating the simple pleasures that surround you.”. I hope you embrace this day, Suzanne, and find joy in life’s simple pleasures. Wishing you a peaceful and heartfelt Mother’s Day. 💐👩‍👧‍👦💖🌸

    anita

    #445611
    Suzanne
    Participant

    Anita this is the most beautiful thing I’ve read that you have written. Radical acceptance is what will help me. Today Mother’s Day I see his family I have been a part of for 30 years aren’t reaching out to me. And I feel they never really liked me. Another goodbye. But I get stuck in what ifs and what I think his family should do. I just get angry and hurt in a different way. It’s not helping me let go. So today he is not here. His family is not reaching out. But my daughter and my friends are helping me. Do you know of a book that I can read? You have been so helpful. I feel like when I read what you wrote there is a fishing line pulling me back to myself and feel a little more grounded. Thank you again. Suzanne.

    #445614
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Suzanne, reading your message made my day, thank you! I am using my phone and will reply further when I am back to the computer in the morning.

    Anita

    #445657
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Suzanne:

    Thank you for your kind words—it truly means a lot to me that what I wrote helped you feel even a little more grounded. You are going through an incredible loss, and it’s understandable that feelings of grief, anger, and longing still arise, especially when you reflect on the past 30 years with his family. Another layer of goodbye, another piece of hurt. But I’m glad to hear that your daughter and friends are supporting you—because they are the ones who truly see and appreciate you for who you are.

    You mentioned getting stuck in the “what ifs” and expectations of what his family should do. That makes perfect sense—your connection to them was part of your world for decades, and the silence now can feel like rejection. But here’s something to consider:

    When we hold onto ideas of what should be, we create suffering because reality is showing us something different. They should reach out, you think. They should care more. But they are not. And that isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of their choices, their priorities, their own limitations.

    What happens when you gently allow yourself to let go of these expectations? It doesn’t mean the pain vanishes, but it means you stop directing your energy toward a door that has already closed. Instead, you can focus on the ones that remain open—the love from your daughter, the support from friends, the quiet yet powerful strength growing within you.

    I wanted to find books that might be helpful for you, so I researched titles that focus on healing, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Here are some that I came across:

    * Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach (on how to release inner resistance and embrace life as it is).

    * The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (on facing discomfort and finding strength in the present moment).

    * How to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorte (on softening self-judgment and nurturing self-compassion).

    * Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins (on emotional release and how to stop holding onto pain)

    * Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff (on replacing self-criticism with kindness and understanding).

    If any of these resonate with you, they may be worth exploring.

    About letting go of pain- it isn’t about forcing it away—it’s about processing it, understanding it, and slowly releasing its grip on you. Here are some meaningful steps that can help:

    1. Instead of resisting or denying how you feel, allow yourself to sit with the emotions. Recognizing them without self-criticism is the first step toward healing.

    2. Often, pain lingers because of the meaning we give it, such as that it will never end, or that we deserved it. Ask yourself: Is this story helping me heal, or is it keeping me stuck?

    3. Treat yourself as you would a close friend going through the same situation. Instead of replaying regrets or self-blame, try affirming: “I am human. I am allowed to hurt. But I am also allowed to heal.”

    4. Pain often keeps us locked in the past—thinking about what was, what could have been. Ground yourself in the present with mindfulness, activities that engage your senses, or simply reminding yourself: “I am here, right now.”

    5. Not all pain comes with a perfect resolution. Sometimes, we have to accept what happened without waiting for an apology or a final understanding. Closure is something you can choose and create for yourself.

    6. Social media, certain conversations, places, or routines might keep reopening the wound. If something constantly pulls you back into the pain, try setting boundaries around it until you feel stronger.

    7. Whether it’s writing, therapy, meditation, movement, art, or deep conversations with trusted people, allow yourself to express and process what you feel in ways that nourish you.

    8. Letting go isn’t a single moment—it’s a series of choices, small shifts, and gentle reminders to release pain little by little. There is no rush, only movement forward.

    Suzanne, you are not alone in this. I’m always here to talk if you want to share more. Sending you warmth and strength today. 💙

    anita

    #445664
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Suzanne

    How are you doing?

    That makes sense it would hurt that she is much younger than you. Perhaps you are questioning your attractiveness? Your body has given you your wonderful daughter, please don’t judge it harshly. I hope that she spoiled you on Mother’s Day? ❤️

    I’m glad that you have your support network gathering around you and that you’re seeking legal advise. You deserve this love, support and protection in these difficult circumstances.

    I quite enjoy people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. 😊 I feel like people who don’t are just uncomfortable with emotions. Please don’t blame or judge yourself.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.