Chaser,

I’m sorry for the confusion and suffering you’re experiencing, and know how painful a feeling of isolation can become. Sometimes when we have a deep longing inside us for romance and companionship, it can become a constant nagging reminder of what we don’t have. This drains our energy as surely as a hole in a bucket. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, consider that after reading your post, I know almost nothing about you. Who are you? What do you like to do? What do you find nourishing? What brings you joy? Feel free to answer any of these, but also these questions are the ones that produce the keys to the cage you feel you’re in. When we carry around shame, usually from our past moments of being abused, we can feel like we’re not lovable, that something is wrong with us that prevents us from connecting to others.

This is just baggage, and means very little. Romantic relationships are tricky, and there are many people who find them infrequently and disappointing. It doesn’t mean we’re unworthy, it just is tricky. Those who find them often ignore the fear, the potential for loss, and jump in anyway. Sure, there is every possibility to feel pain, to become rejected, but we jump anyway. Consider checking out Brene Brown’s TED talk about vulnerability. It may strike you well.

In terms of practical, what to next kind of advice, consider taking up a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warmth and friendliness that arises in the upper chest, and can be grown and strengthened. This allows us to move through our experiences with more buoyancy, more peace. Sharon Salzburg has a great guided metta meditation on YouTube if you’re interested.

Another thing to consider is that often other people see us as more beautiful than we do. We look in the mirror and focus on our flaws, see every crack, pimple and wrinkle. This leaves a bad taste in our heart as we criticize our body, and can lead us to “pre-rejection”. We imagine what we must look like to others, and decide they think we’re ugly without ever asking them what they see. For instance, you feel lonely and unlovable, so when you see others looking at you, you assume they see an unlovable single mother. Perhaps that never even occurs to them. When I see single mothers I am astounded and impressed that they can do it. I have two kids, and a wife, and I am exhausted by them. To be a single parent takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength, and I admire you. That you want a partner and haven’t found one yet is something I empathize with you over, but not with condescending judging.

So, consider that there is no need to decide “that guy” won’t love you before even connecting to him. People often see in us beauty that we can’t, and if you pause on your self sabatoge, you may find that good men have been vying for your attentions for a long time. Namaste, sister, may you find the love you seek.

With warmth,
Matt